Sana 0:00

The question's not I want to get married. Do you want to marry this guy? If he was to stay the same person that he is now till he dies, are you gonna be able to put up with that?

Sharif Faizullah 0:08

This is probably one of the most difficult things you would have to do.

SPEAKER_01 0:11

I would much rather be sad for a short while in comparison to a lifelong commitment to someone that's hurting me every day all the time. There is someone so much better out there for you.

Sana 0:20

It's gonna get better. So don't settle.

SPEAKER_01 0:23

Rank up that marriage that MBA divorce proof your future marriage today. Mr. Toxic.

Sana 0:31

This is quite a heavy chapter in a sense, because I think even if you're in a toxic relationship, you generally don't think you are. This chapter is really that one where the truth hurts. That's why this checklist is very helpful to kind of open your eyes and to critically examine your relationship.

SPEAKER_01 0:48

You might not want to hear it, but it's something that you really do need to hear. And these questions are so good. I remember reading through it and I was like, this eats. I love this. This is perfect. Honestly, I would go through this checklist with someone. I wouldn't go through it alone. If you're reading this chapter and you are in a relationship, go through this with someone, not your significant other, a friend that you trust, someone trustworthy. Because if you just go through it by yourself and you're just like, no, it's okay, I'm gonna sacrifice my happiness because I just love him so much. You don't want to dig yourself deeper and deeper into a hole. Really look through this, look at it with a friend and be like, you know what? I said no to a lot of these questions. Can you help me?

Sana 1:22

Regardless of whether you think you are in a toxic relationship or not, read up about what a toxic relationship entails so that you know fully what it's about, so that if in the future it ever starts to kind of shift towards that, you know what to look out for. And as well, if say someone, your friend comes to you saying that my partner does X, Y, and Z or something along those lines, you can then identify that for her. So I think that would kind of be my homework to listeners if they want to.

SPEAKER_01 1:51

A lot of these chapters are like of when you get into a relationship or when you find or when you get to know. For listeners who are already in a relationship or who have already found someone, you can still employ all these things. And I would say do that. All of these chapters kind of serve as a mirror and a magnifying glass. It's like a toolkit, right? Every chapter is a different tool that you can use, regardless of where you are in your relationship, marriage, journey, status, whatever the case may be. This is that chapter where you really have to be introspective about it, recognize the different kinds of toxicity, where am I with that? And then answer the questions.

Sana 2:22

One thing I want to highlight is the is he compatible with you to remind people of the eight slices of compatibility, break that question down into each slice if you're struggling to answer them. Because I think initially everyone's gonna go, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. If you break down the questions, it's easier for you to think, hmm, actually, that one might be a no, that one definitely is a yes. Make it easier for yourself by putting your own personal definitions in there.

SPEAKER_01 2:49

Yeah, I would even say that for that first question. Do you want to marry this guy? The this is really important. Do you want to marry this guy? Look at this guy that you're talking about. Go through each chapter. Are you sure? Is this the guy with the deal makers or is this the guy with the deal breakers? Or are you just desperate, like, oh, I want to get married? That's not the question. The question's not I want to get married, it's this guy. This is where you take that magnifying glass and you really double down on your decision.

Sana 3:15

And the same for the question after that, does he want to marry you? It's not about whether the two of you want a husband or a wife, it's whether you want each other. That is what I think these questions are really highlighting if you really pay attention to them. Definitely. There's also another little paragraph in this that I think a lot of people would skim over it. It says, You might tell yourself it's not really as bad as it seems, or things will get better eventually. You might even feel guilty about wanting to leave the relationship. This advice I will give to every single person, and it is if you aren't happy with the person they are right now before you get married, do not get married because you need to accept them for who they are right now in this moment and not for who you think they will be, who they will turn into in your head, because that is just a dream, that is not reality. You need to accept reality for what it is. Don't think, oh, I can change him, I can change him. No, no, no. If he was to stay the same person that he is now till he dies, are you gonna be able to put up with that? Like, I really think you need to sit down and contemplate that and really have a serious conversation of like, okay, as a husband, as a dad, as like a son-in-law, as a brother-in-law, as whoever, is he where you want him to be? And if that's a no, don't be like, oh, it's fine, like once we get married, he's gonna do this and that. No, no, no. Take it for what it is right now.

SPEAKER_01 4:33

Yeah. There's another little blurb right after the checklist too and says, if you're hoping that he's gonna wake up one day and be completely transformed and turn into the one you married, ask yourself how likely is that to happen. And that's literally it. Like, people will show you. We've talked about it before, they're gonna show you their true colors very, very odd. People don't really have their guard up unless they have a need to do so. So when you're getting to know and you're asking those pointed questions and you're seeing how they are, don't back yourself into a corner saying, Oh, I'll sacrifice this, this, this, and this. You don't want to have to do that. You wanna really see, like, how are they? Can I put up with that? Do I want to put up with that? They're not gonna just completely transform. And marriage is not an easy circumstance either. Throughout the process of marriage, having kids, growing together, living together, you're gonna be put through different, different hardships together. So if you're already seeing on small disagreements that you're not compatible or it's toxic or unhealthy, it can only get worse from there. You don't want to build on that.

Sana 5:28

I read something the other day, and it was that people in toxic relationships think that there's a scarcity of potential partners, and people who are constantly declining good potential partners think that there's an abundance of people. And I think in this situation, if you think one day that he's gonna wake up and he's gonna be this perfect person and this and that, I think you need to realize your worth and to understand as well that there is someone out there who is the person you want him to be, so not to settle for some bummy guy who's saying he is going to be this one day. If he really wanted it, he'd do it now. Like, simple as. 100%.

SPEAKER_01 6:05

I see a lot of the people who are in toxic relationships and it's a desperation. They don't think that they're gonna find anyone else. They don't think that there's enough people out there for them, or they don't wanna kind of put it in that effort to find them. They think that, oh, this is my bubble and this is all I have. Desperation is not a good enough reason to tie yourself to someone long term. If you're in a relationship because of that and you think that there's no one out there for you, you're not looking in the right place, or you're not looking in the right way. If you employ these things and you have people who support you and want to find better for you, you will find that better, inshallah.

Sana 6:39

And the true love skill here, I think, is a bit of a brutal one, but it's the only one that's gonna get the job done. I think if you start weaning off and start, oh maybe we'll only talk once a week or like once every two weeks, with a toxic relationship, they're designed to be addictive. Even if you say it and you try so hard, it's not gonna happen. You literally have to go cold turkey. Yeah, it's gonna suck for like the first week, two weeks, month, a couple of months, but you'll be so much more grateful when you do eventually find the one.

SPEAKER_01 7:12

With this true love skill, it's like, how long do you want to experience this hardship? I would much rather be sad that we stop talking and miss them for a short while in comparison to a lifelong commitment to someone that's hurting me every day, all the time. You have to weigh it out. Like, yes, it's gonna suck. And nobody's saying that, oh, you're gonna break off deflation of life's immediately gonna get better. No, it's gonna suck, but much less than a lifelong commitment with children, marriage, your families, all those things. Like you're saving yourself the suffering of something much, much greater than this small relationship.

Sana 7:44

And if they're exhibiting these kind of traits to you now when you're not even married, you've got no kids, no responsibilities, I can almost guarantee that when you do take that leap and then life gets more stressful, they are going to get worse. The pressure isn't gonna make this any better. If you're reading this book or like listening to this podcast, I feel like you probably got your head screwed on. Like you know what you want, where you want to be. So, why would you want to settle for someone who thinks it's okay to treat you in that way? There is someone so much better out there for you. So don't settle.

Sharif Faizullah 8:18

My wife, after she read this chapter about using a butcher knife, she's like, Are you sure about that picture of a knife? Isn't that gonna be a little bit triggering? I know it's heartbreaking. This is probably one of the most difficult things you would have to do. If you are listening to this episode right now and you're nodding your head, you're like, Man, I might I might be in a toxic relationship with a guy. What do I do? I recognize the fact it's not gonna be an easy decision. You really have to get somebody else involved, someone to actually help you with that, give you that moral courage to give you that push. What if I don't find anybody? I am telling you, he's out there. You know your worth, you know what you want and what you don't want, inshallah Allah will make it easy, but you gotta do your due diligence. What Amal said, this is a huge tool kit that we're giving you. You pick and choose which one applies to you. Not everything will apply to you. If it does apply to you, I cannot imagine what you might be going through right now. What I can tell you is that it's gotta get better. If you find the courage to actually use a butcher knife to cut it clean, don't try to linger it. Like you use a butter knife, sure, you can spread some jelly and butter with it, but to cut a bread, it's extremely difficult. It's excruciating, it's painful. You don't want that.

SPEAKER_01 9:19

You're prolonging that suffering, you're ruining it for yourself in the future. The butcher knife now is like, okay, yeah, I don't want to suffer for a long time. I know what I want, I know what I deserve, and I'm gonna go through with that.

Sana 9:29

Yeah, you'd much rather have a couple of weeks or months of pain than a lifetime of pain. Because if you're in a relationship like this and you marry them, that is inevitably what you will be signing up for, like a lifetime of pain and hurt.

Sharif Faizullah 9:42

This is why even Rasulullah mentioned about awdiya, Qurbanir Idul Adhal, you don't sacrifice the animal with a dull blade because you don't want the animal to feel the pain. This analogy is coming from there. You do a killing cut, but we're not saying it's gonna be pain-free. It is gonna be painful, but it'll be worth it. And inshallah, there will be room in your heart for Mr. Wright to show up or for you to now go and find Mr. Wright. Take the time to heal however long you need. Get one of your trustworthy friends, someone who has a good head on her shoulder, and let her help you through this process.

Sana 10:09

Definitely tell a close friend or maybe two or three. I think they can not only hold you accountable, but they'll be your support system anytime you want to reach out or say something good's happening. Usually you would go to the person to tell them, ring them instead of ringing him.

Sharif Faizullah 10:24

Yeah, can I go back to a point you mentioned earlier, accepting the guy the way he is today? You want to be careful not to look at everything. What I mean is this. So let's say he's doing his master's or is still a student. He may not have a full-time job, he may not be financially established. We're not saying, hey, this is how it's gonna be for the rest of his life. What we're talking about is actually who he is as a person, his character. That's the stuff we're talking about. So don't discard someone because, oh, he's not financially established. Well, what are you expecting? He's still a student, right? Financially, what you want to look for, is he on the right track? Does he have the drive? Does he have a plan to take care of his family in the future? Is he working towards that? Everything else is what you're looking for. How he talks, going through the red flag chapters, does he have all those things?

SPEAKER_01 11:08

You have to go back to the slice of compatibility. It wasn't fill in the blank, like financially compatible. Does he make six figures? Yes, okay, you're compatible. We're talking about unchanging factors, factors that don't have room for growth, that are his core values, are like really facets of his personality that you know are unchanging and you don't like or you don't want to live with long term.

Sana 11:27

Focus on the bad things, the things that you don't like, his bad traits. If they weren't to change, would you still be happy? Whether that's like gambling habits or maybe he swears or he's got one of the red flags. If they weren't to ever change, would you be happy with that rather than focusing on how much he makes or other fluffier terms?

Sharif Faizullah 11:47

Sometimes people misunderstand, so that means he's not gonna change at all. No, people change, people evolve. You wanna be okay with the way he is right now. Inshallah, you're hoping that he's gonna get better. Excellent, but don't count on it in terms of his level of emotional intelligence, his level of emotional security, his level of character, how he is with the opposite gender, to all of that, make sure you're happy the way he is today. That's the distinction I wanted to make.

SPEAKER_01 12:10

And with that too, I know girls have a tendency to be people pleasers. So even if you think about that, like, oh yeah, he swears and I don't really like it, but it's okay, it's between me and him. It's me and him. Think about would you be okay with him swearing in the context of meeting your parents, being around your siblings, having children with your friends? They're gonna see him and they're gonna notice his bad habits. Are you okay with that? If all of his bad habits were on display to everyone you love, would you still be okay with it? Yes or no? Those are the kinds of things that you really want to employ because a lot of people will be like, oh, it's okay for me, I'd be okay with it, but they don't think about it long term. Maybe now, yeah, you're okay with his bad habits. Think about it long term. Is everyone else around you gonna be those sickness?

Sana 12:49

And as well, this might be a bit of a controversial point, but if you have a really close friend who you know isn't biased and you know will pull you up when you do something wrong, if you've told her about this relationship or if she's met him and she's gone, mm, there's something not right, or he's not the best for you, or he's not the best suited, really take that into consideration because if she genuinely means well for you, I'm sure you know Oma, like girls will if there's a red flag guy, they will shout it from the rooftop. Mm-hmm. Like they'll make little jokes, and you know what I mean. So if you've got a friend like that and she's saying things like that, I think really look into it.

SPEAKER_01 13:25

That's a slippery slope because sometimes people don't always have the best interests at heart. Yeah, people just say things to say them or they don't have the right context. So I would say Thresh said something about verifying too, like trust and verify. So, like, yeah, trust, and if someone makes a joke or something and you're like, wait, hmm, let me look into that, then verify like, does he really have that habit? Does he really have this red flag? But I wouldn't just be like, oh, my friend said you're a bad guy, you're a bad guy. So yes and no. I feel like there's a balance there.

Sana 13:50

Yeah, I don't think you should take everyone's advice. I'm talking about like say you've got like a childhood best friend or the friend that you confide in with every like someone who really, really knows you, that you'd probably trust with your life, or maybe a sister or a mom, someone who really knows you, who genuinely would move mountains for you, which probably isn't everyone. Take her opinion into consideration, but don't take it as Bible, like, oh, she said it, so like I need to break it off. Yeah, you need to do your own digging, confirm that for yourself, and then believe it as well.

SPEAKER_01 14:22

On that kind of same path, one thing is I wouldn't open your relationship completely entirely to like the opinions of other people, also. You want to make sure that there's a level of privacy and respect between the two of you, regardless of it's a toxic relationship, non-toxic, healthy, unhealthy, whatever it is, still maintain a level of respect and boundaries. But if you feel, and I've noticed this too, like girls know, like underlyingly, you know, if you're with a bad guy, a toxic guy, whether you want to admit it or not, you know. If you feel like you have to hide something about your relationship, that's probably already keying you in that something's wrong here.

Sana 14:53

If you're like if you're having to hide something because you know they're gonna say something, yeah, you're not gonna lie.

SPEAKER_01 14:58

Like do you think you can't share something that he's done or said, okay, why? Because it was disrespectful, harmful, like those kinds of things, those are your key factors. You can't tell your girlfriends that, oh, my husband did this. Let's take a magnifying glass there. Let's dig deeper.

Sharif Faizullah 15:14

I wanna quickly go through how people get married. One of the limiting beliefs is well, if I let go of this guy, I'm not gonna find anybody. Let's expand on that. Because I found there are five ways that people find each other. I'd say 99% of the population will fall into one of these five categories. Number one is proximity. It could be at school, it could be at work, community event, maybe you have a specific hobby, you're in a shared interest group, or it could be even social or cultural events. Just being in the proximity, this is actually how most people get to know each other, find each other. Number two would be introduction. So here we're talking about actual introduction from family, friends, matchmakers who do this manually, like by paper. And it could even be professional connection. The third one is technology, and this is where I would put social media, apps, or any type of matchmaking where AI is used. That would be the third way. Now, the fourth way is the interesting one. This is what most people want serendipity, like oh, chance encounter. Oh, I'm just gonna bump into each other out of the way of coffee shop and then look at each other, wow, and then like you know, the clouds will part and that's it, match. That's what a lot of us imagine when we think about finding someone. This is why no one takes action. I'm like waiting for the right guy to show up. It does happen, but not as common as you think, watching all the romantic comedies and stuff. It's like, oh, that's number one, but it's actually not. And number five is the one I recommend, which is marriage magnet, where you are proactive, you're taking initiative, and then you could actually use the marriage magnet through all of these other ways from proximity to introduction to technology, so you can actually multiply exponentially the amount of people you can reach and find. I was gonna talk about this in detail in step six, but since the talk came about, well, I don't want to let go of this guy because if I let go of him, how am I gonna find anybody? I'm telling you, there are many ways you just people don't know, and inshallah we will help you with that.

Sana 17:03

That just reminded me there was a guy in the UK somewhere, and he wanted to get married. So, what he did is I think he created a QR code with his marriage CV or his contact details, and then hired out loads of billboards across the UK, put his QR code and a picture of him on it. At first, I saw it on social media, and then I actually saw one of the billboards. And if you actually scanned it, it would give you his details and who to contact and stuff.

Sharif Faizullah 17:28

He has enough income, he has enough money to spend on billboards. But the thing is, it's very similar. He's being proactive, he's not sitting down and waiting for a chance to encounter. It might be a little bit extreme, but absolutely, and you don't have to spend the money in doing that.

SPEAKER_01 17:42

I feel like the billboard is kind of like how the marriage magnet is employed. You give it to your ambassadors and they go out and they are your human billboards. Like, this is my QR code. But I've seen what you're talking about. A dating app recently also used the same thing. It was a Muslim dating app too, and it was like find Muhammad a wife or something, and it's like billboards and like posing like this, and like in Times Square, and it's like their little app.

Sana 18:03

I was like, what's going on here? I mean, it's it it's innovative. I've got to give them that answer.

SPEAKER_01 18:09

I mean, suddenly it caught my attention. I was like, no way, this is a real billboard. And they're like, oh, get Muhammad married, like, no way.

Sharif Faizullah 18:15

It could be a publicity stunt for that app, but the idea, people have been doing this for thousands of years, by the way. So when people look at this like, oh, it's weird, it's something I like. This is how millions of people have gotten married. We're not that special or unique. It's just that a lot of us we sit on our butt, do nothing, and expect the right guy to show up with a bouquet and knocking on our front door. That's the serendipity we're just waiting. Of the five options, serendipity is probably the least reliable and probably it'll waste a lot of years, especially if you're ready for marriage. Just sitting on your butt doing nothing for years and years and years, to me, that's ludicrous. Why would you do that? Now, if you're not ready, you're still finding yourself, you're choosing to do a capstone marriage. That's fine. That's your choice.

SPEAKER_01 18:56

Just to tie back to this being about Mr. Toxic, like I said, desperation isn't a good enough reason. There's no reason for you to be desperate either. Like you were just saying, there is the guy out there if you put in that effort and you take the right steps and just take them now. Give yourself that fresh start. Cut off your toxic relation with a butter knife. But your knife, not a butter knife, sorry. Um, but cut off your current situationship, Mr. Toxic, whatever it is, cut it off cold turkey and start employing these now. And then there's no reason for you to be desperate or sacrifice what you want because this allows you to put forth your wants and your needs and your expectations and find the right cut.

Sana 19:31

My concluding thoughts would be that I'd recommend everyone to do a little bit of reading or background research into what a toxic relationship is, what it entails, what it can look like, the different forms, and how a normal relationship gets to that point just in case you end up in one or someone else is in one, and so you can help them identify that. Also, as Amal has already said, that the use of the butcher knife, there is no other way to go about this. No matter what, it's gonna hurt. You might as well just make it hurt for the least amount of time if you just quickly cut it off, just like that. If you're in a situation ship, it's just sticky and complicated. What are we doing? Just don't want to be in it.

SPEAKER_01 20:10

Are you willing to talk to my family? Do I even still want you to talk to my family? Like, just get the butcher knife out.

Sharif Faizullah 20:16

Please make him feel bad. He will get over it, you will get over it. It's gonna be better for both of you. Girl, there's like three questions. Ask them. It could be a heart fixer for you. Doesn't have to be a heartbreaker. Don't chase after Mr. Wright. Become Miss Wright first.