Sharif Faizullah 0:00

Are you currently tangled up in a toxic or unhealthy romantic relationship? I love him so much. That's a toxic relationship.

SPEAKER_01 0:08

But he says that he's going to change after marriage. Can I still marry him?

Sharif Faizullah 0:12

If you're hoping that, oh, inshallah, one day he'll wake up and completely transform himself and turn into the person you want to marry, then ask yourself, how likely is that to happen?

SPEAKER_01 0:21

He says that he will eventually marry me, just not right now.

Sharif Faizullah 0:24

If marriage is the goal, then ask these next two questions. Next true love skill, get ready. Rank up at marriage. If you are in a relationship with a man and there is emotional, verbal, or physical abuse, that's a toxic relationship. Now, if there's no abuse, but you feel emotionally drained every time you talk to him, then that might be an unhealthy relationship. So I want you to answer this honestly. Are you currently tangled up in a toxic or unhealthy romantic relationship? Think about it. Yes? No? Or maybe, like you're not sure. Let's ask some of these questions. Number one, do you want to marry this guy? Yes or no? Does he want to marry you? Yes or no? If yes, here's the next part. Has he proposed to your family or have you proposed to him shown an interest? If marriage is the goal, then ask these next two questions. Does he have deen and character? Yes or no? Is he compatible with you? If he does not have deen, character, and compatibility, and you're hoping that, oh, inshaAllah, one day he will wake up and completely transform himself and turn into the person you want to marry, then ask yourself this. How likely is that to happen? Seriously, very likely, little or no chance. Please be honest with yourself. I know it's not always easy to admit when you are in a toxic or unhealthy relationship. You might tell yourself, it's not really as bad as it seems, or things will get better eventually. You might even feel guilty about wanting to leave the relationship. However, consider this. If you're already feeling drained most of the time, your relationship is doing more harm than good. You cannot force yourself to be happy in a relationship that is bad for you in the long run. And that's why. Drum roll, please. Next true love skill. Get ready. Take a screenshot. Use a butcher knife. If marriage is not a goal, then use a butcher knife to cut off a toxic or unhealthy relationship. Make it quick. Do not drag it out. Do not use a butter knife to prolong the suffering. Hold it to yourself. Cut him out of your life completely and immediately.

SPEAKER_01 2:59

I love him so much, but he's toxic and he says that he's going to change after marriage. Can I still marry him and should I still marry him?

Sharif Faizullah 3:07

If he's toxic, that's a big red flag. And depending on what it is, it could even be a deal breaker. So just be clear about that first. In terms of oh, he's gonna change after marriage, whenever a guy promises that he's going to change about something specific, do not give him a chance after marriage. Give him a chance before marriage. He needs to prove that. So let's say somebody's smoking and it's one of your deal breakers or it's a red flag for you. Well, he's gonna do that before. Because you want to marry the guy the way he is today. Yes, he will grow and he will learn and he will evolve, sure. But in terms of some of these character traits, those are very difficult for people to change. They need something significant, some external push or some internal awakening for people to make that type of long-term behavior and character change. So can you still marry him? I mean, you can. It's a free country, nobody's gonna stop you. You're gonna be marrying a walking red flag. Because if you are saying you love him so much and he's toxic, that's kind of a recipe for disaster. So you gotta make sure he actually makes the change, he cuts off that relationship or like he gives up drinking, something, whatever that is a red flag for you, he has to do that before marriage. And also you wanna make sure it's sustainable. We're gonna talk about some addictions, and I don't want to give that away right now, but we'll talk about a specific type of addiction, and we say that do not get married until you are free from that addiction for at least a year or two without any relapse. It is a risky proposition here, but if you do want to pursue, make sure you are aware you go into that marriage with your eyes wide open and have the expectation, have the reality check that he might not change. And if you're okay with that, that answers that question. But if you know for sure you will not be okay with that, and he said he's gonna change after marriage for something that he can actually show he can change before marriage, then I will say no, do not move forward with that marriage.

SPEAKER_01 4:51

I think baseline it's more so like if he says he's gonna change, he doesn't need to wait till after marriage to do that.

Sharif Faizullah 4:56

If he's sincere, he will actually do that now.

SPEAKER_01 4:59

So you mentioned that a lot of people need some sort of big external push in order to make that change. So suppose I'm in this relationship, I'm getting to know this guy, I'm noticing he's toxic, but I really like him. So I say no. We cut it off, we use the butcher knife, we say no. Suppose a few months later he comes back to me, he pursues me again, and this time he has changed. Would you say now it's okay for me to pursue that?

Sharif Faizullah 5:20

Go through the same thing again, vet and verify. Make sure his change is genuine and sincere, and it's not a facade or fakery that he's not trying to play you. As long as you can check that, that's why you have your marriage team who can go and help you. If that verification, that vetting process comes back positive and everything else is good, go for it. Absolutely. And that happens more than you think, actually. People say no the first time, life changes, circumstances change, a couple of years go by, and then either your family goes back to them or they come back to you. That happens all the time, by the way. So, this is something else, also, when we say no to someone, we want to say it in an amicable way, in a respectful, kind way. You don't want to make a lifelong enemy out of somebody. Yeah, you want to be firm in your no, but at the same time, if that's the deal breaker and the guy's like, okay, I understand, but then he goes and he quietly does the deep work and actually changes and comes back a changed man, check and verify if the verification is good, you're good to go.

SPEAKER_01 6:13

I know a lot of girls are like, Oh, I'll wait for him. I know he's gonna change, but you don't want to necessarily put that out there because then he could come back just to play you because you believed in him.

Sharif Faizullah 6:22

So when when they say, Oh, I know he's gonna change, especially I hope he's gonna change. I know that most people don't change, but I just hope that he will be the one exception, the special snowflake for me because he loves me so much. We build that in our mind so much, and that's when we get disappointed. So you gotta do that reality check. You have to be honest with yourself. And you can see the proof is in the pudding. If he says he's gonna change and he can do it now, then maybe allow him in a couple of days, a couple of weeks or months, depending on what it is, is a good idea. But make sure your family and everybody else is involved and everybody's aware. But you don't want to take the responsibility of his change. And this goes to the idea of you making him your fixer-up or project. I know a lot of wives like to do that. Usually it doesn't turn out well. But it's okay. After marriage, I can fix him up, I can change him, and he will change. Depending on what it is, if it's like a minor issue, some small health-related issue, lifestyle issue that is actually changeable, and you can slowly encourage him towards something positive, healthier lifestyle. Yeah, I'm not talking about that. I'm mainly focused on character traits, think behavioral things that are like kind of fixated, they've been built on for years and two decades plus of habit. Those are the things that I'm more focused on here.

SPEAKER_01 7:29

You say keep a hard no, but keep it amicable. So, what's a good way of saying no? What should I say that strikes that balance between okay, I believe in you still and this is amicable, but also I can't pursue this right now. Like this isn't something that I want.

Sharif Faizullah 7:43

So, actually, in the next chapter, we give you a clear language where we know it's not a good fit for each other. We'll give you an actual couple of sentences that you could use. And it's better if this no comes from one of your marriage teams, especially maybe your father is the best person, or coming from another man, your brother, or someone like that, it'll be much more effective because you don't want to get into the sense of playing hard to get type of nonsense. We don't want to do any of that. You want to be firm and sincere. And in the next chapter, I'll actually give you the exact language that you could use for this as well.

SPEAKER_01 8:13

He says that he will eventually marry me, just not right now, because he wants to get his career started or finish school, and he just has some personal goals that he's trying to accomplish before then. What do I do?

Sharif Faizullah 8:23

That's sensible. When I say wait, first question would be how long? Are we talking about months? Are we talking about years? And then if it's years, okay, how many years? That would be the first question. Second question is is everything else done? Deal maker, deal breaker is done, compatibility is done. Have you gone through everything else? Because here's the reality. If you are going to marry this guy eventually, let's say three years from now, five years from now, and yes, maybe his career will be a little bit more established, maybe he will have moved to his own house, like whatever life changes happen, that's great. The question you have to ask, am I okay waiting those three to five years for this specific guy? That's the question you have to ask yourself. Because I've seen a lot of cases where maybe they don't do it out of malice or any wrong intention, but they kind of dangle this along and then, like, let me do this, let me finish my degree, let me get a couple of years under my belt, so I'm professionally established and all that. And then this fizzles out somehow, and then he has moved on. But here you are still waiting for him. So this could be a trap that you're just waiting three to five years or wasting three to five years of your life. Or if you can specify those details, and if it is the right guy, amongst many other Mr. Potential know he is your Mr. Right, and yeah, you have decided to wait, then what I would recommend is actually go through the whole process, get married, and you can live in your own place. He can live in his own place, and you guys can have an early cornerstone marriage. We'll talk about that in step two more. So I know a lot of college students, a lot of fresh college graduates, they do this and their parents are okay with it. So what happens? You have a three to five years head start and advantage of deepening that connection. Because you're married, like your husband and wife. Yes, you're not living together, but that's okay. If he's the right guy for you, if it's not just any Mr. Josh Mo, Mr. Potential, if it is Mr. Right for you, then I don't see any reason for waiting three to five years. You are in a situation ship. You're not putting a label on it because you want to keep along. Being in limbo, that's what you don't want, because that is not good for your heart.

SPEAKER_01 10:23

I'm in a situation ship, but there is potential for it to be more. Should I still pursue it?

Sharif Faizullah 10:27

Either go towards a yes or go towards a no. They come up with excuses such as your parents will never listen. How do you navigate that? Don't fool yourself by saying it's complicated. It's really not.

SPEAKER_01 10:38

You have decided that he's Mr.

Sharif Faizullah 10:40

Wright, but there's some other complications. Uncomplicate your situationship by asking these questions.