SPEAKER_01 0:00

What if I feel the need to date because my parents went through an arranged marriage, they're not in a happy marriage.

Sharif Faizullah 0:05

That is why we have something that is better than dating. It's called better than dating for that reason.

SPEAKER_00 0:10

Even if you don't date, when you meet for the purpose of marriage, isn't everyone behaving their best?

Sharif Faizullah 0:15

So when it comes to getting to know the guy, you do this.

SPEAKER_01 0:18

How else am I supposed to get to know him if I can't spend time with him?

Sharif Faizullah 0:22

What makes the difference is knowing exactly what to ask for.

SPEAKER_01 0:25

What if he now starts actively pursuing me? Flip this whole dating script on its head.

Sharif Faizullah 0:31

How?

SPEAKER_00 0:32

Rank up that marriage that MBA divorce proof your future marriage today.

Sharif Faizullah 0:40

Can I date? This is a question I've heard from lots of single Muslim women. Like, how else do I get to know him, like the real him, if we don't date? It's a valid question, right? When you say dating, do you mean regularly seeing someone for a fun casual relationship? Or like going out for a coffee and getting to know someone with the possibility of marriage in the future? Either way, let's look into this. Imagine you start dating a guy, you two go out together, you talk in person, maybe you talk over the phone, you text, you start a relationship, you open up your heart, you share your secrets, and then you find out he's not ready for a lifelong commitment. Or he doesn't have the same priorities in life as yours. Or for some other reason, the relationship ends. Do you just start dating someone else right away? Not really. Because you now have to get over the first guy first because you invested a lot of your time, attention, and emotions on him. With time and with support from your friends, you eventually get over him. And then you start dating another guy because you want to get to know him better. You start a relationship, you open your heart, you share your secrets, but then sadly, this relationship ends too. Now imagine that it happens again and again and again. What is the result? When you get married, inshallah in the future, you're now getting married with all the baggage of all of those previous relationships. Don't you think this will impact your future marriage? Of course it will. I know it's common, but casually dating even one guy puts your heart at risk. Serial dating is even worse. Now, as you go through heartbreak after heartbreak, what's gonna happen? You might become cynical, you'll be sour, and you'll be distrustful of marriage and relationships. Also, just because he's all fun and charming when you date him, doesn't mean he's a mate for life material. I want you guys to take a screenshot of this, please. Because a great date does not equal a great mate. As much as we like to think so, as much as TV and social media, the pop culture wants us to believe, that is actually not the case. Now the question is, is there a way to get to know him without breaking your heart over and over? Guess what? There is. What you do is you begin with the end in mind. Meaning you don't wait months and years to find out if he has D, C, COM. Do you remember those three things? What are they? D, C, COM, D is for Dean, C is for character, and C O M COM is for compatibility. Now, if he has a lot of your deal makers and none of your deal breakers, you don't need to date the guy for weeks and months and years. So, what I want you to do, what I challenge you to do, is flip this whole dating script on its head. How? With your marriage magnet. That's how you do it. Because your marriage magnet does not say, hey, let's just hang out and see where the wind takes us, or like, wanna go out for a coffee? Uh-huh. A marriage magnet says, Hey, wanna see if we are a good match for a lifelong commitment? A marriage magnet cuts through the BS dating rituals people are brainwashed with. And you know what it does? It repels players and time wasters like D repels mosquitoes. A marriage magnet sets the stage for a few meaningful, in-person, deep conversations. Because that's where you get to know him even better. Ideally, with a chaperone who is close enough to see you, but remember, not too close to hear your conversation. If there's no spark, either of you decide, hey, you know what, we're not gonna continue this, no problem. You walk away, you move on, even if you feel like a little bit of a temporary disappointment, you don't have to deal with a full-blown heartbreak. So listen up, little grasshopper. The more relationships you have before marriage, the more unhappy you will be in your marriage. Not my opinion. I'm citing this source. Non-Muslims have said this. Not a Muslim man, not a Muslim researcher. So when we talk about this topic, people might think we're being biased. But no, I actually looked into it. That is why we have something that is better than dating. That is the entire third semester of marriage.mba. It's called better than dating for that reason. I could tell you stories after stories of so many women who have gone through so much heartbreak. Because you grew up, this is like as if it's the only way. So I would like to invite you to something better than dating. Where you don't have to ever download an app, you don't ever have to play this game. You can do this in a way that you will be proud of, inshallah, confidently, and you will get to know the guy even at a deeper level than if you were to get to know him through dating. Inshallah, that is my promise, and you will see that I will fulfill that bidnillah.

SPEAKER_00 5:25

So we have got a question from Super Curious. Even if you don't date, when you meet for the purpose of marriage, isn't everyone behaving their best? How do you make sure that what he says are really his views or if he's just making it up to sound better?

Sharif Faizullah 5:39

That is why you ask follow-up questions and you ask the same questions different ways, and you vet and verify through those background checks to make sure he is who he says he is. So when it comes to getting to know the guy, you do this. You trust what he says, plus you verify. You trust and you verify. You don't have to take everything on face value because if the guy is Mr. Compatible, right, he's putting his best foot forward. He wants to make a good impression. But how you two approach it, it's like a dance. It's like an invisible dance that you are doing with each other. It could be verbal, understanding, asking questions, answering questions, revealing a little bit about yourself, all of that, that takes a little bit of skill. Inshallah, I'm gonna show you how to do that. But the bottom line is that you trust and you verify.

SPEAKER_01 6:31

What if I feel the need to date because my parents went through an arranged marriage, they're not in a happy marriage, and I'm trying to prevent that. How else am I supposed to get to know him if I can't spend time with him or ask him questions like why is dating not the answer?

Sharif Faizullah 6:45

So let's say somebody's dating for weeks or months or years. I don't know, let's say let's say 12 months, take an entire year. If you could compress that into 12 hours, you think that's doable? You could actually, in a couple of hours, know more about that person than just casually dating that person for over a year. What makes the difference is knowing exactly what to ask for, what to look for. So let's say somebody's dating and they're like, oh, they vibe, they like each other, everything is good. And then like on month 12, they realize, oh, he doesn't want children. And here you are planning to be a mother of five children, for example, right? Well, could you not have asked that on the first couple of days? Yes, you could have, but at that time that wasn't a priority because you're just going with the vibe, we're feeling, ooh, we like each other and all. That's the dating game, that's the trap of dating. It is very clear from so many people that I know and the researchers they've made it abundantly clear that you could know almost everything you need to know about that person to make a right decision whether this person is right for me or not, whether I should pursue, whether I want to take it to the next level or not, within a couple of hours, a couple of days. If you add like some background check, some vetting and verification to that, add a couple of days, that's it. You don't need to date someone for months and years to do that. So that's it. That's a false premise. I would challenge that. And that is exactly why in Better Than Dating, we actually give you the exact script, the exact questions to ask, how to ask, how to follow up. So you can actually kind of see through his facade and go deep and get to know him quickly and deeply, inshallah.

SPEAKER_01 8:11

What do you say to people who are afraid of the person that they picked changing? Like, yes, I asked all the right questions, I looked for all those things in day one. It only took us a few meetings, but I still don't feel like I know him. Like I have this fear of committing and it being wrong, anyways. How do you balance those fears and like the people who use dating as a security blanket? Like, if he consistently changes, at least I'll see it before I get married.

Sharif Faizullah 8:32

Yeah, but the thing is, you actually haven't gone through the real test. The ultimate love test is married. Unless you go through wedding and actually make a lifelong commitment to each other, you will not know. Everyone wants to show their best foot forward, they want to impress you. Only after marriage you get to test that real love, if it's actually there, if the claim is true or not. That's why, as you keep growing, you'll see that the very last chapter of this step is actually called How to Taste True Love. And this is why you don't just rely on one thing. So in the decision-making triangle, we have where you actually go with your heart, your mind, and with your gut, and you consult your marriage team members, your experts, ask other people who have been married, and then you ask Allah for his spiritual guidance. When you combine the three and you actually go through the proper steps, insha'Allah, you will be able to make this decision properly. Does that make sense? So that what your fear, it's absolutely normal. Absolutely. I went through the same thing. We all go through that. Like, is he the right person? What if they change? But yeah, so you can see some of that sign, some of that clues beforehand. And we do want them to change, but change for the better. That's why it's a dance and we help each other. That's why you want to find a life partner, a co-founder. So I don't even call husband and wife. I use that term very rarely. I like to call co-founder. You're going to found a new institution, a new body. What is that? New project. It's your new family. So you want someone to co-found that with you. Of course, you're going to learn together, grow together. You'll do all of that together, inshallah. So change is inevitable. You want to influence each other towards positive. So I think, inshallah, if you go through all of that, you will be able to make that decision with so much more calm and peace and confidence. Inshallah, you will not regret that decision.

SPEAKER_01 10:10

Suppose that I've dated, I've been heartbroken, I have that baggage. Is my marriage completely doomed? Like, am I just out of the running for a happy marriage?

Sharif Faizullah 10:19

You just will have some additional challenges. That's all it is. That's all it is. You can clear those baggages, right? You do need to do a little bit of a healing, going through the healing process and kind of detach yourself from that. You don't want to do that after marriage. You want most of the healing to be done before marriage. Otherwise, it's kind of not fair on the guy if the guy has to deal with all of that. So, yeah, can the guy help you? Absolutely. I mean, you know, maybe the guy has gone through similar experiences. Maybe he had to deal with that as well. So, no, absolutely not. Your marriage is not doomed. It is about skill. You can definitely, definitely have a successful, strong, thriving, long-lasting, divorce-proof marriage, even if you have broken your heart many times. You just have to make sure that those have become scars. They're now like gaping wounds, you know, like blood is gushing out of them. Every time someone mentions something, you're like, oh, no, no, no. Scars, golden scars.

SPEAKER_01 11:10

So you mentioned healing through that process before getting married. What does that roadmap look like? And what steps should I make sure that I'm totally good and then I can start looking again? What's kind of the roadmap for somebody who has some of that emotional baggage?

Sharif Faizullah 11:24

If you're honest with yourself, you can do a quick rating. Okay, on a scale of one to 10, how much of these heartbreaks and previous relationships and bagges, how much will that affect my future marriage? Just be honest. Do not choose seven. Okay. And then do you know why love mistakes, what you're going through right now? Do you know why this is step one? Is this for this very reason? Because it takes time. I'm not going to guarantee that, oh, it's going to happen in a couple of days. Some people take weeks, some people take months, some people take years. But there are ways to shorten the process. There are ways to get it done faster, inshallah, if you have the right tool. So, regardless of how old you are right now, if you have this, if you have rated yourself somewhere in the higher range, start that today. It doesn't matter when you get married in the future. Don't even worry about that right now. You need to go through that cathartic journey that is for you, inshallah. Now the question is, what if I have a crush on him? If you have a crush on him, congratulations! You are human. What you're feeling, it's called infatuation. Like this is an admiration for him. It might be intense, but it's usually short-lived. And yes, it can be from a distance where you have never said a single word to him. It happens all the time. Now, you might not be ready to make a move yet, but you want to find out if what you feel is temporary or if there's like genuine attraction with long-term potential. And this is how you do that. Go 30 days without actively pursuing him. That means like don't talk to him, do not stalk him on social media, don't ask anyone about him, right? I call this a 30-day crush your crush test. So after 30 days, with no contact with him, if you still cannot stop thinking about him, perhaps there is something to it. If so, run him through your deal makers and deal breakers first. If he has most of your deal makers and none of your deal breakers, then make sure he's single. People have messed it up, trust me. Make sure he's single first and he's available, right? Before you finally decide to make a move.

SPEAKER_01 13:23

Okay. Suppose I can't go 30 days while talking to him because he works in the same place as me, in the same social circle. I encounter him all the time. What do I do in that case?

Sharif Faizullah 13:34

Having a crush is completely normal, completely okay. Now, all you want to do is like, okay, do you want that crush to fade away over time, or do you want to take that crush to the next level and make it practical and see if he's Mr. Potential or not? Like that's that's all we're doing here, right? Is he Mr. Potential? Do I pursue him or do I just let him go? Because if you don't pursue him, even if he's in your circle, like you know, coworkers and colleagues and neighbors and all of that, eventually it fades away. As long as you don't open the door of communication and like so where he knows you like him and all that, as long as you don't open those doors, you don't touch that, it usually fades away. But if he is someone who has none of your deal breakers and he has a lot of your deal makers, and you are ready for marriage and you actually like him, you're attracted to him, then what are you doing? What are you doing? Like get your marriage back ready, get like get the process started.

SPEAKER_01 14:27

So you can actively pursue someone. It is okay to pursue your crush if you put them through your deal makers and deal breakers and exactly, exactly.

Sharif Faizullah 14:35

Having crush itself does not qualify someone being Mr. Wright or Mr. Potential. No, you filter that guy just like any other guy would filter. Now, you have to be extra careful because you have a crush on him, because you might overlook some of the red flags. That's why you have to be extra careful. People do it the other way. Oh, because I like him, it's okay. I can let No, no, no, no. Do the opposite. Be extra careful now.

SPEAKER_01 14:56

Okay. So a lot of times, I've heard this story from a lot of people, you'll ignore them or you'll kind of take a step back and they notice this and they're like, Why aren't you talking to me? What's wrong? Did I do something? What if he now starts actively pursuing me?

Sharif Faizullah 15:09

In the second love mistake, we'll talk about how to interact with the opposite gender, inshaAllah. So I think this answer, the question that you have right now will be answered in the upcoming chapters.

SPEAKER_01 15:17

Okay. So my last question is: Is it wrong or haram to have a crush?

Sharif Faizullah 15:22

No. There is something called this. So the feeling and action, they're two different things. Allah will not ask you about having feelings and crush and liking someone and all that. The boundary is are you crossing the boundary of taking action, doing something? So having a crush is completely normal, it's a healthy part of growing. Liking the opposite gender as we grow up, it's a completely healthy, normal part of growing up. Are you currently tangled up in a toxic or unhealthy romantic relationship? He says that he's going to change after marriage. You're gonna be marrying a walking red flag.

SPEAKER_01 15:52

I'll wait for him. I know he's gonna change.

Sharif Faizullah 15:55

No, it's actually I hope he's gonna change.

SPEAKER_01 15:57

He says that he will eventually marry me, just not right now, because he just has some personal goals that he's trying to accomplish before then. What do I do?