Sana 0:00

If you stand for nothing, you fall for everything.

SPEAKER_01 0:02

If you're dirty, I don't want you.

Sana 0:05

I would never marry him. He's from this cast.

SPEAKER_01 0:07

Hello? Why are we not matching each other's energy right now?

Sharif Faizullah 0:10

If you're gonna compromise on age or height, compromise on one of them, but not on both.

SPEAKER_01 0:13

You're walking around like a bum, and then you expect me to be like Kate Hudson.

Sharif Faizullah 0:17

No, no, no, we're not gonna do that. These are the four predictors of divorce.

Sana 0:21

Rank up that marriage that MBA divorce proof your future marriage today. Mr. Compatible. This is like the eight slices of compatibility. I think this is such a comprehensive chapter that it literally ties into every other chapter.

SPEAKER_01 0:38

I liked this part of the chapter a lot that if you're a size six, can you live with a size four or smaller? I think that was such a good analogy for compatibility that compatibility doesn't mean exactly the same. It's about what you can live with. So, for example, if you want to be financially compatible, that doesn't mean you find someone with the exact same budget as you, with the same number of credit cards, same number of income. It just means someone that's comfortable living that way. Or if you're comfortable living the way that that person lives, if you can balance each other out. So that's a good way of looking at compatibility. What can I live with?

Sana 1:11

To expand on that a little bit further, like what can you live with long term, not just for the next few months or maybe a year? Is this realistic for my future and what I want in my future? Right now I'm a student.

SPEAKER_01 1:23

My compatibility or my expectations of these things may change as I become a working person, or as I become a mother, or as my roles in life change. So you want to kind of look at them in every aspect within the expectations you have for yourself. So I know that if I want to be working full-time in the future, or if I want to be a full-time mom, okay, what are my expectations there? Look at this comprehensively, like look at the whole big picture and then kind of dig deeper.

Sana 1:47

I have a question for you, Ama, as always. Do you think any one of these eight slices are more important than the other?

SPEAKER_01 1:55

I feel like that's kind of subjective. Every single person, they probably have different thoughts on that. For me, though, that's actually a really hard question. Looking at them all important. Like this is all gonna affect the classic of real life. But just like in DC Calm, having religious compatibility be the top one because that's something that you employ every single day and is gonna take you, inshallah, to live happily ever hereafter. So that one's definitely important. And then I think probably emotional compatibility is one and practical compatibility for me. Things that would be in everyday conflict, like lifestyle choices and conflict resolution. If you have those down, I feel like everything else you can work on. If you're able to problem solve with each other and really understand each other, then I think you can build. Now, that doesn't mean pick someone that's a zero in every other category because you can build. Don't take this out of context. But let's say you rated all of these out of 10 and some of them are like five and some of them are seven. Okay, if the ones that are really important to you are seven and the other ones are five, then you can work on getting those fives up to a seven. Yeah, that makes sense.

Sana 2:58

Because I was trying to think in my head, like, okay, if I was to put these on a scale of one to eight, obviously I think religious would be first for me, but then for the other seven, every time I'm like, oh, I'll put that as a number two, then I'm like, no, no, no, but then what about that one? But then what about that one? So I think it is like they all have their own value. I mean, you don't no one has to prioritize any one of them. I was just curious asking if you did have a ranking. It's very hard to answer.

SPEAKER_01 3:20

I want to hear Sharice answer that. I'm excited to hear what you have to say.

Sharif Faizullah 3:23

That's actually a very good point. So it is subjective, I agree. However, let's heal the layers off a little bit. In each one, you could have deal breakers and deal makers.

Sana 3:32

Yeah.

Sharif Faizullah 3:33

And now we're talking. So when people think of how am I gonna come up with my deal makers and deal breakers, this is such an amazing way to do that. You're going to each slice, in this slice of my life, what can I live with and what can I live without? Once you know those two things, inshallah it'll be easy. That I think, Sana, somehow you can still find a way to rank them one to eight, but only after you look at each one and say, what are my deal makers and deal breakers? So if you're up for this challenge, I would actually highly recommend you do that. It'll give you a lot of clarity.

SPEAKER_01 4:02

Yeah, I think at face value, just looking at them and their definitions, it's a lot harder to like rank them. But looking at it from terms of deal makers and deal breakers, I have 12 deal breakers out of this one. That means like obviously I prioritize that one a lot because the bare minimum is not acceptable here, versus like some of the other ones I'd probably have. Okay, whatevs. Yeah, that makes sense. But I think this will be fun. We can go through each slice and be like, what are your deal breakers? Okay. Should we just go in order?

Sana 4:27

Press pith.

SPEAKER_01 4:29

This includes husband and wife's role, children's daily routines, and life goals. For me, a deal breaker would be someone who doesn't align with my goals and has no ambition. If you don't have life goals or your life goals are not substantial enough, that for me would be a deal breaker. I want someone who is a go-getter who's gonna consistently be goal-oriented and want to keep reaching for more. If you're against my life goals, then obviously it's not a relationship that I'm gonna be able to grow in. So I want someone who we're both goal-oriented and we're both okay with the other person's goals.

Sana 5:02

I think for me, in terms of the practical deal breaker, it would be someone who works night shifts long term. I'm someone who likes my sleep, so night shifts are never gonna be an option. I go to work in the day, they go to work in the night. It practically just wouldn't work for me. If it was like a one-off thing, yeah, fair is, but like I'm talking long term, that is a job contract that it is just like predominantly night shifts. I just don't think I could do that.

SPEAKER_01 5:24

That's a really good point. I didn't even think about it being like career-wise. I'm kind of a night owl. Maybe I can adapt, but I don't think long term I would be able to do that. Like every day, when do you see them then? If they're sleeping in the day at night, and my schedule completely flip-flopped, that would be difficult.

Sana 5:39

Yeah, and then if they come home at 5 a.m.

SPEAKER_01 5:41

I'm scared of my life every day. I'd just go up and I'd be like, who's coming home?

Sana 5:45

It would never be. You need to be like, I've been doing this for the past 15 years. You should be used to it by now. I would never be used to that. Religious compatibility.

SPEAKER_01 5:56

This is obviously your practicing of Islam. With this one, I'm gonna go back to everything we said in the last chapter. Someone who practices the way that I would practice and maybe a little bit higher, or is actively trying to be a better Muslim. If I look at you and I'm like, wow, I'm envious of the way you practice Islam, that's good envy. And I want you to make me better. So that is something that would be a deal maker for me. Total green flag. Red flag here, someone who either doesn't practice at all or practices in a way where they're kind of weaponizing Islam or using it in a context that I disagree with entirely. Those two extremes that we talked about in the red flag category, that would obviously be my deal breaker. Probably someone who this falls into the extreme, but like isolates themselves within Islam, if that makes sense. Like doesn't want to properly collaborate with people or interact with people or kind of closes themselves off to different things because of faith, but in like a negative way.

Sana 6:51

In this section, it's easier for me to make deal breakers than it is deal makers. So, like if they don't pray five times a day, that is something that is kind of a bare minimum for me, and obviously the other five pillars of Islam, and to also understand that Islam is more than just actions, it's like the way you treat people, the way you speak to people, your interactions, how you treat the earth, how you treat animals, Allah's creation that isn't just humans. It's more of a comprehensive idea. If you do not agree with that and you do not act in a way that's respectful to all of Allah's creation, that for me is a deal breaker. So then under that would be like if you litter, like no, put it in the bin. This is Allah's earth. No, no, no, we're not gonna do that.

SPEAKER_01 7:31

My deal breakers, if you're dirty, I don't want you.

Sana 7:34

Get away from me. So all the smelly men don't come near Umma. That's don't get out. Don't even try it.

unknown 7:42

Don't even try it.

Sana 7:43

But deal makers, I think I'd probably add someone who not tries to like spread Islam, but is someone who talks about it so lovingly that it as a second order effect ends up being spread. You know, those people who when they talk about things, you just kind of feel a little warmth in your heart. That would be a deal maker for me.

SPEAKER_01 7:59

Like a you can sense their love and respect for Islam. I love people like that. Like people who I could talk to them for hours about something because they're just so they're well spoken, like eloquent. I love people like that. Yeah, definitely green flag. Love that.

Sana 8:13

Yeah, which I think is kind of similar to your point that someone who makes you better Islamically, because obviously, if someone is like that, you're gonna then feel more compelled to be like the green flag is someone who makes Islam a safe space.

SPEAKER_01 8:25

If I can come to you and I love my being more because of you, green flag across the board.

Sana 8:30

And another red flag that you just made me think of, if they judge you based on your religion, if that makes sense, like yeah, oh, you don't do this, you're going to hell.

SPEAKER_01 8:39

Yeah, I hate the haram police, those are that that's the red flag for me. There's a way of going about things like that that's respectful and the way you're supposed to do it. Because obviously, you don't want to just like be someone who allows everything. That's another red flag. If you just make everything permissible and you're constantly making excuses for people, then that's also not a good thing. Like, yeah, but someone who is gonna be like, Oh, well, now you're a disbeliever, or now you're gonna go to hell, or that's wrong, and that's wrong, and that's wrong. Dude, it's okay. You can pull me aside in private. You can be like, Hey, so actually, maybe don't do that.

Sana 9:11

Yeah, and that would be a green flag if they did it in a respectful way and not trying to embarrass you, like, hey, can we talk about that? Maybe you should have done this instead.

SPEAKER_01 9:20

Green flag where people make it a strong space and nice place to be and want to grow, and they're are good in their practice and make you better, versus people who make it a negative space and make you resent them and the faith all together, and use it as like a power kind of thing to be like you buy one, you know what I mean?

Sana 9:35

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sharif Faizullah 9:35

Can I share a story in that regard?

Sana 9:38

Yes, of course, go for it.

Sharif Faizullah 9:39

This is during our first in-person meeting, my wife and I. For me, in terms of Deen, one of my deal makers was she knows how to recite the Quran. I never heard her recite. I don't even know if she knows any flat. I have no idea. So I'm like, okay, but at least I want her to be somewhat familiar with it, maybe knows the basics. So I asked her, if you could ask me to recite something, I'll be happy to. But I'm sure she heard me recite because I used to do events and whatnot. But it's a comfortable reciting something. If not, that's okay. And she's like, No, it's okay. She'll recite. I'm like, okay, cool. And then she recited so beautifully. I'm like, what because she said, Oh, I don't know how to recite well that much. And then then she recited, like, wow. And I said, Tell me more. And it's from the middle of the Quran, it was the beginning of Surah Lukman. I didn't know those ayat. So she is like, funny story. Actually, when I was in MSA in college, they had this Ramadan month. So they actually chose a specific part of the Quran to memorize. And there was a competition going on. And that year, the competition was who could memorize Surah Lukman? She participated in that competition, but never showed up, never told anyone about it. She just did it all on her own. And then many, many years later, here's this guy listening to her recitation and was mesmerized by it. Like, oh my god, that's my woman. That's my lady right there. But you know the thing is, what she says was actually true. Other parts, she didn't do much. But I look back at that time and I'm like, wow, how Allah pairs people together. To me, that was a deal maker. Even though she didn't have it, but that couple of ayah that she memorizes so nicely that gave me the impression she's good. She could recite like that from anywhere in the Quran. But that wasn't the case. I think about this, I'm like, subhanallah. We have certain plans, so the least we're making deal makers and deal breakers. Don't assume that you'll be able to check off everything 100%. Allah might surprise you. So be open, be curious, and ask questions. Don't shut down because someone says they have this. Maybe you don't know the whole story. Maybe when you make a list of all the other things, they're like, oh my god, she has like eight out of ten things I'm looking for, but because of this one thing that's not that high on my priority list. I'm gonna say no to her, that doesn't make sense.

SPEAKER_01 11:37

I think that's a good point too. Don't discount someone just because of one or two things. At the very end of the chapter, it says you want to prioritize and look for overall compatibility, not 100%. And I think that's the disclaimer that we all need to have at the forefront of our minds when you're looking at this. It's really easy to make a list and nitpick, but when you're actually looking at a person, you have to remember that okay, this is also a human being. Do I match everything on their list? Probably not. Are they gonna be the perfect person from my list? Also, probably not. So balance.

Sana 12:06

Emotional compatibility. Emotional compatibility includes your personality, how you express anger, and how you resolve conflicts. My deal breaker for this would be someone who has like road rage or any sort of improportionate amount of anger that isn't justified, and they then have to act upon it in a very unstable way. A deal maker for me would be someone who can, if they feel a certain way, I've done something to upset them, or someone has upset them, or made them feel certain type of negative way, they can be like, hey, I feel like this and are okay with having feelings and communicating that to resolve whatever issue they're having or we're having or whatever the situation is.

SPEAKER_01 12:48

For me, the deal breaker here, and maybe this is a really high expectation, is someone who doesn't have an emotional intelligence. If you can't read a room, if you don't know when people are upset around you, if you don't know when you're upsetting people, if you're like completely oblivious to feelings, I have a lot of feelings, and if you're not gonna recognize that, I'm not gonna tell you. If you don't have that emotional intelligence, then I don't know. That's probably something that I wouldn't be really good about compromising on on that same side of the coin. My deal maker would be someone who does have emotional intelligence and is really good at knowing these people look upset, wants to help, or if I'm upset, he's like, Hey, what can I do? People who are like willing to openly communicate about feelings, that's something that I think is a green flag. This one is really big. So, like expressing anger, if you're the type of person that just explodes at small things because your emotions build up and now someone said something and you're yelling at everyone around you, that's a red flag. That's a deal breaker for me, like extreme anger. And then on that same thing, a deal maker for me is someone who's good about expressing their anger in healthy ways and recognizes anger as a feeling. I feel like people discount anger a lot and then it turns into rage. Those are two different things anger versus rage. So if you're a rageful person, deal breaker. If you're an angry person, everyone's an angry person.

Sana 14:04

That's fine. I liked how you use the word emotional intelligence. I think emotional intelligence is something that really should be focused on a lot more and in a way dictates the rest of your life. If I'm gonna be spending my life with you, I need to know how the insides work.

SPEAKER_01 14:19

My example for this is an issue I had with a friend. I am a very detail-oriented person. I like to think of myself as a very emotionally intelligent person. Like I'm really good about telling, okay, she's upset. I'm quick to recognize that. You don't even have to say anything. Like, I'm the type of person that I'll see your face and I'll be like, oh, something happened. And I work really hard to make sure that people feel okay. And so that's something that I am very proud of myself in my friendships. Like, I always try to make sure that people are feeling okay. And if it's a problem with me, then I try and rectify that. And so I had a friend. We had just had something where she had been upset and I had been there for her. And then we turned around and I had been upset about something that actually directly involved her. And it went over her head entirely. She never apologized for it, she let it go on for weeks, like, didn't want to talk to me, was mad at me for being mad at her. And I was like, hello, why are we not matching each other's energy right now? Like, if this was the other way around, I would have been there for you, and now it's my turn to be upset about something, and you're like, bye. So that is something that would be my deal maker and deal breaker. Like, if you're that type of person, get out. If you are emotionally intelligent and you want to resolve conflict, then you can stay.

Sharif Faizullah 15:24

So when it comes to resolving conflicts, what would you like to see in a guide?

SPEAKER_01 15:28

I don't want a yes man. I don't want someone who's just like, okay, okay, okay, yeah, you're right, you're right, you're right. If I'm wrong, tell me I'm wrong. I don't want someone who's just gonna be like completely submissive and like lie down and take it. No, if I'm mad at you about something and I'm expressing my anger and I'm having a conversation, I want you to match my energy and come to the table with the same thing that I'm coming with. You should tell me if I made you upset. Tell me if I'm wrong, be open about that so that way we can actually fix something. Because you're gonna be like, well, you said this, this, and this three months ago, and now I'm mad about it. Well, three months ago, why weren't you mad about it? So that's one thing when it comes to conflict resolution, there has to be a conflict to resolve. So don't let it be one-sided, unless it like actually is one-sided, and it's I have an issue with you. But if you have an issue also, please bring it to the table.

Sharif Faizullah 16:16

Not being a yes, but I agree with that 100% by the way. You do not want a yes man. However, how he goes about it might be slightly different than you, by the way. And that could actually complement. So let's say you are fire and you want him to be fired, guess what's gonna happen? It's gonna burn. But before he becomes choir, if you allow him to maybe put a little bit of water on you, that actually might be helpful in a way. That's a little bit of a nuance there. But be open to it because there are a lot of different ways to resolve conflict. Some people are so good at it, you don't even know that they're doing it. Everybody's running around like a headless chicken. He's not frazzled by it. Now you might look at him and say, Oh my god, he doesn't have any emotion, he's not even feeling it. But guess what he's doing? Because he's a master at it, he's able to stay calm and lead everybody else around him. This is probably one of those things that will be on top of the list, how he resolves conflict. He's gonna be the leader of the family, and if we want him to lead you, then this is an absolute, absolute deal maker.

SPEAKER_01 17:10

I think that's definitely a good point, also. When I talk about I want someone who's gonna match my energy in a way that's complimentary. That's a fair point to mention. You don't want someone who's just equally as hot-headed in every situation, because then you're not gonna come to any compromise. I think what I mean by that is someone who is gonna take the conflict as seriously as I took it. However, you're gonna express it to me, that's up to you. Because if he's just a yes man, then it feels like you're not taking him seriously at all. I'm mentioning something and you're like, okay, do you care at all? What are your opinions? Like, I totally get that.

Sana 17:39

You don't as much just be like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because then it's either they're dismissing it or they just don't care. So yeah, I totally get that. If it's an issue where it's between me and him that he then comes to me with the issue, not to other people, like I cannot believe she said this to me and she did that. It's different if they're going to someone for genuine advice. If it's something that has escalated and it's an issue that maybe he feels like he can't handle, he needs some sort of help. But generally, if it's a sort of a small-ish issue, you come to me to solve it and we discuss it and it's a calm conversation. We're not trying to fight each other, we're trying to get to the same conclusion. So we're not trying to tear each other down saying that you're a liar, you don't know what you're doing, you're silly, you're dumb, like they're not gonna get you anywhere. It's just damaging the relationship more.

SPEAKER_01 18:25

Someone who's open-minded. I like to look at it from your side. If you did something for a reason, I'm okay with hearing you out. So I would want someone to hear me out as well and be like, okay, I understand where you're coming from, your perspective, and then we are both working together, like us against the problem, not us against each other.

Sharif Faizullah 18:44

The reason I asked is because this will give you a window to his soul, how he actually resolves conflicts. So if you're meeting up with him in a restaurant or in a family setting, you can actually hypothetically mention, hey, in this type of scenario, how would you resolve this conflict? And when you talk to his friends, when you do that social background check, I would definitely find out when he is in a stressful situation or he or when he's in a conflict situation. If I'm listing them, I would say religious. Number two would be emotional. That's how important it is. But not everyone is expressive with their emotion the same way. People just think of getting angry and being happy and joy. To me, the two most important things are number one, how you resolve conflict. Number two, how are you overall? Are you always in a bad mood? Are you overall a jolly, happy person? Like, how do you look at light? Do you look at glass as half full or half empty? That's part of how you view the world, and that's gonna taint the entire relationship.

SPEAKER_01 19:38

People who are negative, that's also a deal breaker for me, I think. Because I try to look on the bright side as much as I possibly can. I don't want someone who's completely disillusioned. If you are gonna go into something and be completely the Lulu about it, you'll be like, oh yeah, I'm gonna win a million dollars today. Today unicorns are gonna exist, this guy is gonna start raining lollipops, you need to be medicated. But someone who's able to manage their expectations well is good. Someone who's level-headed. I think that's the best way to talk about that. Because my second point that I would look at when looking at emotional compatibility is crisis management. And I'm gonna bring up my parents' example. So we've been through a lot of things as a family, and my mom is very level-headed. She's very cool, calm collected. Like if there's a crisis, you call her, she's gonna handle it super discreetly, and nobody has to know, nobody's gonna freak out. My dad, the second you tell him something's wrong, hi Allah, oh my god, we need to call everybody, we need to, oh my god, I don't know what to do. We all need to start giving sutka and praying namaz, and we also need to take this and do this and all that. And he's just like not calm, cool, collected at all. The problem will not be resolved timely or discreetly at all. So that is something that I would look at. What are their reactions to crisis? Because if you're emotional and he's also emotional, then there's no resolution happening there either. If you're asking hypothetical questions when you're getting to know him, ask him about a crisis just to see. Like, how does he handle that and his outlook on it? Is he the type of person that's like, oh my god, everything's just gonna go to crap from here on out? Like it's all downhill from here, or he's the type of person that, okay, we can handle this, we can make it better.

Sharif Faizullah 21:12

On that note, I don't think two people have to have the exact same level of emotional intelligence or the same way of resolving conflict. I hope I'm making that clear. People get hung up on this idea. Oh, this person, he has to deal with his anger this way, conflict. No, if you set boundaries, we're not gonna cross when we fight, excellent. When we are stuck in a situation, what are we gonna do? Let's plan it out now. So you can actually help each other regardless of how emotionally intelligent they are, how expressive they are. So don't make those uh super deal breakers. Do not be extreme in that regard. If everything else is a good match, you could actually have a healthy and happy marriage.

Sana 21:47

A lot of the things that we've discussed in terms of this slide, you could probably get a hint or a flavor of them within the first few meetings. Say you're at a cafe or something, and then the food is taking too long. Are they just like, oh okay, it's fine. It's a busy day in the cafe or it's a Saturday. Or are they like, where is my food? Why are they taking so long? Oh my gosh, I'm never coming here again. Things like that. You can kind of use them as indicators of their emotional intelligence, like their interpretation of life events, then compare that to yours to see whether you've got that emotional compatibility.

SPEAKER_01 22:23

If you're asking the right questions and you are putting yourself in the right environments, you can probably get to know someone very, very quickly. People are not as complicated as we may make them seem. And they're pretty open if you ask the right question. And if you're good at interpreting those answers, all of your questions will be answered within a very short amount of time. So I agree completely. If you go to a cafe, go for a walk, if he's complaining about the weather and everything, okay, you know that he's not a very positive person. If he has good spirits every time you go out, he's like just happy to be there, appreciative of life, appreciative of you, you know his outlook. People will give you their tells very fast, especially within the first few meetings. Like, people will show you their true colors. You just have to be looking.

Sana 23:03

And I think Sharif mentioned this in the last chapter that if you do your meetings in different places, you will kind of see different versions of a person. I would personally advise doing each one in a different place if possible, just so you can see different sides of a person.

Sharif Faizullah 23:19

Social compatibility.

SPEAKER_01 23:20

That covers your culture, in-laws, friends, and social media.

Sana 23:24

My deal breaker in this would be someone who prioritizes culture over religious practices in any kind of context that is. And then in terms of deal maker, it would be someone whose social media isn't a massive part of their life. It's more of a thing on the side rather than like I need to take this picture for my Instagram or I need to do this for my Instagram or oh, let me have a scroll through my Instagram right now. Someone who's very fixated on it.

SPEAKER_01 23:48

I like that this covers culture a lot because I feel like people forget that culture is something that's going to affect your relationship. There needs to be a balance there, there needs to be an understanding. So for me, deal breakers would be someone who doesn't prioritize their culture at all. One of my biggest fears is that our culture is gonna die out, and that's a really weird fear to have. But genuinely, I'm afraid for the future because I look around and my friends don't know the language or they don't care about the food. And it's like our kids are not gonna grow up with any of that if we don't care. I know a lot of people who don't even talk to their grandparents because they don't speak the same language, and that's so heartbreaking to me. So I like to make sure that I'm up on or do I try and make sure that I talk to people, and that's something that I do prioritize, and I would expect my spouse to do the same. I want you to have a connection with your heritage and your ancestry just so that my kids can have that. And then if you're not gonna stand up to your parents if they're coming down on me for something, that's an immediate deal breaker. I want someone who, yes, is still respectful and cares about their parents, but also is respectful of my marriage and my role in their life because once you're married, then the balance is a little bit skewed now. So someone who recognizes that with friends, as long as you're in good company, it's cool with me. I don't have a lot of deal breakers there. Same thing with social media. I don't have a lot of deal breakers. I think my main thing is just if you're like completely out of touch with reality, everything is do it for the gram. Then it's kind of like your priorities are off. That's my only deal breaker there.

Sharif Faizullah 25:15

Are you okay marrying outside your culture? Someone who doesn't speak the language your parents speak. That would be one question I would think about.

SPEAKER_01 25:23

When I was talking about it, I had a feeling this was gonna come up. I think it depends on the culture for me, actually. Because when getting to know them, I would ask them, what in your culture do you appreciate? What do you not appreciate about your culture? What are your favorite parts of your culture? What are your least favorite parts? Because I do know a few people who have gotten married to people outside of the culture and they're around that person's family or with that person, their priorities completely change based on their cultural environment and then they have a clash. So making sure that I know what I'm stepping into when it comes to their culture would be my first thing. And if I can live with that, that's the compatibility part, then I don't mind. I think from that comes well-rounded children. They can interact with both sides of their heritage, as long as they have the same appreciation for their culture, whatever it may be, the same way that I do for mine, I think it works. But on that same note, I think you can't compromise on both. If you don't have the same culture, I think having the same faith compatibility is really important. Just because the more things you have that are different, the more things you're gonna have to resolve when it comes to your future. That's my personal opinion. It might be controversial, but I've seen it happen where people with different faiths and their kids are confused, or people with different cultures and their kids are confused. If you can work it out, it works for you. But if you don't think you can work out everything, don't do it.

Sana 26:37

In terms of the cultural spectrum, I think I'm on the other end of it compared to Umal. Because I'm not particularly cultural, it doesn't really have a massive weighting for me. So as long as your culture is generally respectful towards me and who I am and has the same or pretty much similar values to me, I'm quite open to it. I'd say there are probably some cultures that I probably wouldn't go for just because I don't think our lifestyles and values would be particularly similar. And especially in terms of the cuisines, like I absolutely despise seafood. It will never ever come into my house ever. So in a culture where seafood is pretty much like the majority of their dishes, we'd have a bit of an issue there, especially if they're quite cultural.

Sharif Faizullah 27:21

I've seen marriages work out between vegan and meat eaters. I've seen marriages work out where cuisines are completely different and they actually get to introduce those cuisines to each other. So I think talking, going deep about it would be helpful. On that note, another question to think about is what if the guy is a convert in the UK, America, wherever, doesn't know any of the languages that your parents or your grandparents speak at all, doesn't eat the foods, maybe doesn't even like spicy food or you know, food that is cooked with too much turmeric or whatnot. Whatever that thing might be, what would your view be about a guy like that?

SPEAKER_01 27:53

I think it's a matter of what you can live with. I know that if my husband was unable to understand or uncomfortable, that I would do my best to make it a situation where he's more comfortable. And I'm sure too, like my parents would be okay with balancing out. My mom would be like, oh, he doesn't like it, I'll cook something else. But not everyone's family are willing to compromise. So I think if he's okay with being in that situation, whatever it may be, and you're okay with him being in that situation, then it's up to you. Like that's very subjective, I think. It's a matter of what you can live with. Because if he has everything else and he's a good person and it's just a matter of okay, he doesn't speak my language, but he's not against me speaking my language. Like it's a different story if he's like, no, you can't practice your culture because I don't like it. Then that's a problem.

Sharif Faizullah 28:31

The guy forcing, saying, Oh, you can't do this, you can't speak this language or whatnot, that would be the only deal breaker I have. Other than that, I encourage cross-cultural and cross-ethnic marriages because I've seen a lot of good examples, and I think those children, if the parents make their marriage work, those children are lucky in a way, they benefit a lot. They get to see this diverse perspective. And I appreciate that. And just a quick tip in case you are thinking of marriage outside of your ethnicity and culture, the easiest way to do that is to live in a multicultural community. Test one, who is attending your masjid? Is it just one ethnic people? And not that's not a multicultural community. But if the masjid board has someone from Sri Lanka, someone from Morocco, and someone from Albania, for example, in that community, for you to go to your parent, hey, I like someone who is from this country, such and such, but not from your own background, they are more likely to say yes to that. The problems happen in communities where it's like literally just Arab community or in Furdu, Pakistani community, and that's it. Anybody outside, they look at them with suspicion and like, oh no, no, no. They grow up in that bubble so much, it becomes very difficult to convince them in that regard. So my personal opinion of that is if the guy has deemed character and compatibility, this, I don't think it's a good deal maker. I don't think it's a good red flag to have. And by the way, I'm being very clear. I'm talking about the US, Canada, UK, and Australia. If you're listening to some other country, that doesn't apply.

Sana 29:56

Yeah, definitely. And I think if that is something that maybe the person you're speaking to is saying that like this culture would be a red flag for me, that is kind of a red flag on them. That it kind of shows that they're maybe a bit closed-minded, especially if they've never interacted with someone of that culture. It kind of speaks volumes about their values and what they think about others.

SPEAKER_01 30:16

Culture doesn't necessarily mean heritage, their views on work culture, social culture, America, that kind of stuff too, I think is important to look at.

Sana 30:24

Like that's actually a really interesting thing that I didn't think of. I'd like to add to that your view on Western culture. Because there's some people who are very much like, I hate the West, even though they live well for me anyway in the UK. Like, I hate the West. I want to move out of here because of this, this, and this. Are you compatible on that level? Do you have the same views of this culture? Maybe they want to move out. Are you okay moving to a country with their kind of cultural values and stuff? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 30:50

In America, like a lot of stuff is allowed. It's very different from they see culture, Islamic culture. So, like, how are they in relation to like the opposite gender? Are they more religious than that? Are they more cultural than that? Are they more American in that? How do they look at being a provider, being a protector? Just something to look at. I'm just gonna mention that to whoever's listening, like, kind of look at it from different facets, I guess, different angles, because culture can mean different things.

Sana 31:13

An example that you just reminded me of, if anyone's watched Love is Blind UK, there was a guy who was purely British, and then a girl who I think her parents were Moroccan or something along those lines. They must have gone out on a date or something and bought ice cream, and she had just offered to pay for the ice cream, obviously, just thinking that he's gonna go, Oh no, no, I'll get this. He then went, Yeah, sure, pay for it. And then that kind of triggered this big argument because she was like, In my culture where I come from, women will said offer to pay, but doesn't mean that we actually are going to pay. Whereas he was like, Oh, well, in my culture, like British culture, it's more like 50-50. If you say you're gonna pay, it kind of means that you're gonna pay.

SPEAKER_01 31:53

Like you said, about having a different culture or having someone who wants to move away from this culture, your experiences in the West and your familiarity with your environments is what's gonna build your perception of the culture, and so that's what you want to look at. That you have ways to bond with the culture that you were raised in, even if your actual heritage is different, that familiarity with different things is a good thing.

Sana 32:16

Yeah, that's actually quite an interesting point, and that kind of made me think about class systems marrying into a different class.

SPEAKER_01 32:23

That's so funny that you mentioned that because I was also thinking about it. I was like, culture could mean socioeconomic culture too. Like, how do you interact with different ideas of money, or if you were raised wealthy versus someone who's not raised wealthy, like your cultures within that are gonna be very different too, with who you spend time with, the way you look at business opportunities, things like that.

Sana 32:41

When I first read culture, I was like, I got it. But now that we're talking about it, I'm realizing there's so many different branches of it.

SPEAKER_01 32:47

Some Muslims worry about caste, but it is a Hindu social hierarchy, it has nothing to do with Islam. Social economic status is okay to look at, that makes sense, but not caste. I've never really interacted with the idea of a caste system either. It's more so like social class versus caste.

Sana 33:02

Yeah, like I didn't realise how important your caste was to like people in India, and I'm assuming maybe Pakistan, they have something similar. Um and I only realized it. I only realized it because for some reason my Instagram algorithm decided to do a mad one, and I ended up getting on all my suggested post marriage profiles, uh-huh. And it'd be like name, date of birth, age, job, things like that. And they all would put a cast on it, and in the comments, people would be like, I would never marry him, he's from this cast. Have you heard? And I was like, Okay, like obviously it's the algorithm from India. I don't know why I'm in the UK, but but I was just like, Oh my god, like this is such a big deal to people, like that is crazy. Like something that you don't even have any control on is such a big dictator of your marriage prospects.

SPEAKER_01 33:51

That's another thing that's home culture, like the folk tales, generational ideas you're raised with, that's all part of your culture too. People prioritize what their parents and their grandparents prioritize. So something that I would look at when getting to know someone is how much do they buy into that, I guess. Are they someone that creates their own perception of things or are they just eating whatever everyone else is feeding them? Stuff like that is just so interesting to me. I didn't know that it was that big of a deal either.

Sana 34:16

Yeah, I think having a backbone is such a big thing. And if he can't think for himself and speak for himself, that is such a red flag in my box.

SPEAKER_01 34:26

I think overarchingly, my thought here is if you don't have your own brain personality vibe, that's a red flag. I want someone who is their own person organically, not just a product of their environment. Like we're all obviously products of our environment, but someone who is seeking growth and difference and is open to different perspectives, I think is really important because if you just want to put yourself in a bubble, that's a deal breaker for me. That's a red flag that you want to live in this bubble and that's what you're comfortable with. Limiting yourself to only con or paton or a specific family name, people who are really hard set on sticking within certain boundaries, not always a good idea.

Sana 35:06

Especially things like your last name or whatever doesn't indicate anything about you. It's not even a direct correlation to some sort of thing that would be a benefit to you. It is literally just something that's been plucked out of thin air and everyone's decided that oh, this is good and this is bad. It just doesn't make sense.

SPEAKER_01 35:22

Yeah, I think putting weight onto arbitrary things is really I want to say stupid, but that's mean. So not smart. A family name, other than maybe giving you a few perks if you know someone, isn't really gonna say anything to your character necessarily. I don't think it has anything to do with who you are as a person, it's just an outward arbitrary thing that someone has granted you. Putting weight into things like that is just silly.

Sana 35:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 35:45

Social, it has a little bit more weight than we think. All of these things are pretty primary in your life because they're the things you interact with every day, like your friends, your family, your culture. So give it a little bit more thought. But this is one of the ones that you can be more open-minded about because there's so much underneath it. It's so vague that there's room for growth and compromise here.

Sana 36:05

I think I didn't think we'd have this much to talk about and we're starting done. But I think it just shows how intricate this topic is and how much thought needs to go into it. It's not just something that you read, write down one or two points, and that's it. Like you really need to think about it because this ties into everything, really.

SPEAKER_01 36:21

Yeah, I agree. There was an action item a little bit back, I think in the red flag chapters, like where in your life would these red flags affect you, your children, your health, your wealth, different things you could checkmark. Press Piff really is kind of the end all be all. Like, these are the aspects you want to look at. This is the blueprint. So if you can go and use those same action items and tie in those red flags and different deal makers and deal breakers and go in depth, like we have for this chapter. I think that'll be super beneficial for everyone listening to kind of employ these tactics. Because we were struggling at the beginning of this, like, I get where can we rank them? How do we look at them? Because it's not something you can just kind of gloss over. This is the one that if you're gonna read any chapter, this one is the one to read. This is the one to really give your all attention to.

Sana 37:07

And one more thing that I wanted to add, I know that at the beginning of the book there was an accountability body, someone that you work through the book with them. At this point, if you are doing this chapter together, coming up with your deal makers and deal breakers based on this, I think it's important to remember that it's okay to have different standpoints and different opinions. Like, for example, like Oma and me differed on how important culture was to the two of us, and that's okay. It's not that you have to be the exact same or have similar or the same views as someone else doing this activity.

SPEAKER_01 37:37

Yeah, I think something fun to do with like if you have an accountability buddy or if you're listening to this, see if you're compatible with each other. Go through these things, find your deal making. Are we compatible on these things? So that way you can practice employing this and really understanding compatibility as a whole. Okay.

Sana 37:52

But if you realize that maybe you're not, it doesn't mean that you have like end your friendship there and then, like, we're not here to break friendships, yeah. Yeah, like that's not our goal. We're not financially compatible.

SPEAKER_01 38:02

Bye.

unknown 38:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 38:04

Sexual compatibility. It involves your attitude about both spouses being sexually satisfied. I feel like this is the one that everyone's gonna be like, What? Because you don't think about it, you don't think that you need to double check that you would be compatible like that, especially because it's so taboo that you don't want to ask a weird question or make a weird vibe. With that, I think my deal breakers here would just be people who have had a lot of past partners not from marriage, and then someone whose attitude about sex is very like, oh, it's fine. You know, everyone does it. Like someone who's very cavalier or casual about that, that would be a deal breaker for me or a red flag. Because I don't think that that's something that you should take lightly. I think it is a very serious thing. Also, a deal breaker for me, or another red flag, is someone who weaponizes the Islamic attitude towards sex. This being an attitude towards both partners being satisfied, that means you're not gonna bombard your wife with requests like please, please, please, please, please, like all the time. Like, well, you can't deny me. Well, you're supposed to also think logically as a man and know that okay, maybe right now isn't the best time for me to ask. Why would you put me in the position to deny you for that? You know what I mean? I feel like there's like an emotionally intelligent component to this as well.

Sana 39:10

I think you've basically stolen everything that I was going to say. But on top of that, I think another deal breaker for me would be anything that falls under the PMO category, which we spoke about before. So that was like porn masturbation and orgasm.

SPEAKER_01 39:26

That is a very good point. I feel like another thing is the digital footprint. Someone who's weirdly involved in other people's Instagrams, follows the pages that are very, very sexual in nature. Um, someone who makes all those jokes, like your attitude is by the way you talk. So if he talks very vulgarly, that all is kind of like a no, no, no, no, no. So someone who doesn't do those things, that would be green flags. Like, okay, you mind the way you talk, you mind the way you act, you mind what you're watching, what you're looking at, what you're doing. Someone who's just respectful all around would be a green flag for me.

Sana 39:54

I think as well, something that kind of links to the social compatibility slice of this section is that if their friends are very much on a different path in terms of like maybe they sleep around or they have a very not ideal for you version of that whole topic and everything that falls under it, then that would kind of be another deal breaker for me.

SPEAKER_01 40:13

Yeah, I think the company you keep speaks volumes as well. If someone hanging out with his friends and they all think that having girlfriends is normal or sleeping around is normal or watching videos is normal, like why do you want to be around that? Why are you normalizing for your friends too? I want to be around someone that is comfortable standing up to their friends too and telling them, hey no, that's not right. Like that's wrong. People who make everything okay and like are too casual or don't want to stand up to people around them, that would be like another not a red flag, it's like a yellow flag.

Sana 40:41

I don't love that, but go off, I guess. I think for me that would probably be a red flag because a while ago Sharif mentioned that if you stand for nothing, you fall for everything.

SPEAKER_03 40:51

Yeah.

Sana 40:52

For me anyway, it kind of shows that if you're not standing up for anything, you don't have a backbone. And how do I know when you're authentic if you're always agreeing to everything or just letting everything go? But I think the question from the audience at this stage would probably be okay, I've got these deal makers and deal breakers in this slice. How am I supposed to address them without making it weird or asking in a weird way?

Sharif Faizullah 41:16

Would you agree that this is a delicate, sensitive matter?

Sana 41:20

Yeah.

Sharif Faizullah 41:20

So that's the first thing to keep in mind. That's why I don't recommend talking about this in the first meeting. Or if you have a multi-hour long session, at least not within the first one or two hours. Because you want to make sure there is overall compatibility and everything else. Because even if you have the right intention, somebody else might just from the question, just from the topic, misunderstand you. Even if you ask the question in a very appropriate manner. Muslims are very weird and finicky when it comes to two sensitive topics. One is sex, the other one is money. We want a lot of money, but we don't know how to deal with it, how to talk about it, how to make it. In terms of sex and intimacy, we also want a lot of it, but we don't know how to talk about it, how to deal with it, how to ask for it. It's a very love and hate relationship with these two topics. Money is much easier to bring up and talk about it. Hey, do you have any student loan? What's your idea of using credit cards and things like that? But when it comes to intimacy, what you want to do is you want to ask open-ended questions and then see how he responds. What are your thoughts about intimacy in marriage? How do you think a couple can work together in this regard? Just leave it vague, don't go into too much detail and see what he comes with. So you're basically just opening the door for the discussion and see how far he takes it, and then from there you can pull different strings based on what he says. Like ask follow-up question, tell me more. Does that make sense?

Sana 42:38

Yeah.

Sharif Faizullah 42:39

And then if you want to understand where he's coming from, you can even say things like, if there are challenges in this department, how do you think a couple could resolve that? Again, leaving it open-ended, but you want to see his thought, his perspective. And in terms of expectation and boundaries, you can then also ask the same question. So, is there a way if there is a disagreement or if somebody feels shy to talk about something, how can we approach that? There's so many ways you can form this. Going back to the deal breakers you guys talked about, if someone wants to stay away from sex before marriage, they want to stay chaste, all of that. What's your view on that? One person was able to basically they didn't have sex before marriage, but the other person had some experience. However, maybe they did tawbah they asked Allah's forgiveness, whatever the case may be. Now they're coming with different expectations. How would you deal with that? This is another question for the guy. This is a good question to ask because now it's like, how do you deal with that? I would highly recommend when you begin this to ask that type of open-ended question. And then towards the end, you can say, Well, how do you think a couple can help each other fulfill their needs? In this regard, what are the main things someone might be looking for? Because what you're looking for is understanding and kindness in the guy. And you also want to see if the guy is open enough to have this discussion. Because this is a sensitive topic. Yes, after marriage, you might assume that it's gonna be easier to talk about, but trust me, a lot of the couples within marriage, it's a time. Topic. So how they did in the bedroom, they don't talk about it at all, ever. But the fact that you're even opening the room right now, trust me, inshallah, this will help in the future.

SPEAKER_01 44:10

I remember we were talking about like the right place and the right time can tell you a lot if you just ask the right question. Because people will offer up more than you think they will if they don't know that you're rooting for that, I guess. So even with awkward questions, I think your best bet is just to be kind of vague and see what they offer up willingly. And then from there, you've painted most of the picture, then you can go in with those details and be like, okay, so now that we've kind of talked about that, can I ask you one more thing if you don't mind? And then kind of like, you know. And if they're uncomfortable, then that also shows you kind of what their attitude would be towards that.

Sharif Faizullah 44:39

I feel like one thing to keep in mind though is you want to respect boundaries. You want to have this conversation in a respectful manner. Don't go into explicit details, don't take it too far. It's okay to talk about it. And then instead of saying when we, you know, you and I, like so you're talking to the guy, say when a couple or one a husband and a wife. Because you don't know, you might not end up marrying. So you want to keep things third person, like hey, one a husband, one a wife, one the couple, one day. Certain cases towards the end, you can say, hey, if you and I were to get married, how would we deal with it? Do you see how the phrasing is? So be respectful uh and do not start off with this topic at all because this is one of those things where there is a lot of room for growth and understanding. One of the questions some people ask, an explicit question I've heard from guys, is they talk about the frequency, they talk about the size matter, they talk about the length of it, they talk about a lot of specific detail. That's not the time to get into those details because it doesn't matter. Trust me, these things don't matter. What matters is overall both parties doing their best to fulfill the other person's need. You want to make sure that the guy is understanding enough, compassionate enough, kind enough to be willing to work with you in that. Because if he's like there's a thing, like you know, wham, bam, thank you, ma'am, type of guy, then that might not allow the room for that long-term contentment in that department. So, bedroom department is important. I know quite a lot of people, especially if they're very religious, they will dismiss it completely. They're like, Oh, it doesn't matter at all. No, but it does matter. Because if you take care of this, insha'Allah, when you go outside, you can keep it in your pants. It's so much easier. I tell the guys, every day you go out, you have to make that commitment. You cannot say, Okay, that's it, I'm done, that's it for the rest of it. I can stare at women, I can do whatever. No, every day you have to renew that intention, renew that vow, that commitment that you made in your marriage. So that is such an extremely important area. Don't make the topic more taboo than it is. Don't make it a big deal. Talk about it normally, like other topic, like other slices, but bring a little bit more sensitivity, a little bit more respect and decorum when we talk about this. So you're not crossing any boundary. Do you see how I talked about it? I mean, internally you might be feeling weird. Oh my god, what are you brother Sharif gonna say? Just doesn't matter, right? As long as you're open and receptive, we can have the dialogue and that's what you want with a guy.

Sana 46:52

Physical compatibility, which means your age and health.

SPEAKER_01 46:56

This one first I was like, who can have deal makers and deal breakers about this? But then I thought a little bit deeper and I was like, no, no, no, I do have them.

Sana 47:04

Personally, a deal breaker in this section would be someone who doesn't go to the gym, which might seem quite superficial, but for me, a massive part of my lifestyle is the gym. I go like five times a week. I run 10Ks. So if you're not on that kind of lifestyle, practically we're not really gonna understand each other. So that for me would be one deal breaker.

SPEAKER_01 47:24

For me, a deal breaker would be someone who's not health conscious at all. People who don't take anything seriously really bother me because I take everything a little too seriously, I think. So, like someone who's like, it's fine, it's fine, we're young, we're young. You're not always gonna be young. So if you just are taking advantage of your youth, when you're older, that's all gonna come back to bite you. So I think people who have a good consciousness, that's a greenback. If you have that kind of middle ground where, okay, you're focused a little bit on longevity, but you also know when not to not take it too far. So the deal breakers there would be someone who doesn't care at all and someone who cares to a fault, someone who's too invested in longevity or health to the point where they're harming themselves instead of benefiting themselves. I know some people who will get like really into dieting or keto culture or gym culture, and they're only doing damage to themselves. You want to find the balance that works for you. Everybody's different. Someone who's a bodybuilder or a 10K runner might have a different schedule, and you can do all those things, but you might need to be on a different diet or schedules.

Sharif Faizullah 48:20

If a guy is super nerdy about his health, like he's literally counting his you know, BMI and he's measuring his everyday, like he's going all in, and overall he has good balance in life. I don't necessarily count that against him, by the way. Because if someone is going for excellence in one area of his life, and for you to say, like, hey, you know what, that's a little bit too extreme, then your definition of excellence might needs a little adjusting. When a guy is excelling, doing extremely well in one area, don't automatically translate that, oh my god, he's being extreme in that area. Because every single one of us, in some areas that we shine, we're really, really good at it. Does that mean I'm being extreme in it? Not necessarily. Could be like that really matters to me. That's super important to me. So, what you want to do is you want to look for can you guys balance each other? It is possible that he's going to the gym five days a week and he is super healthy, he's on a plant-based diet, and here you are sitting on a chair the whole day, you don't exercise at all, and what is even plant-based? You don't even know the concept. Can these two have a solid, good marriage? Yes. This is one of the areas social media and people make more important than they actually need to be. So if you find each other physically attractive and if you're on the same page in terms of overall health, hey, this is important. So maybe he doesn't go to the gym. Look into it with a little bit more nuance than, oh, he doesn't go to the gym, he's out. What if he's exercising? He has a dung bell, he's actually lifting weight, he's actually maintaining health. If you look at the centenarians, people who live to be 100 plus years old in Okinawa, Japan, and other places in the world, they don't go to the gym, they don't exercise the way we exercise. What's interesting is I forgot the tribe in Africa, the translator had difficulty translating the word exercise to them. That idea does not even exist. But you're talking about these dudes, 70, 80, 90 years old, running around like young men and women. The goal is am I staying healthy? Am I avoiding diseases? Am I active? Because my bedroom department will be affected by that, my mental health, and my emotional health, all of that will be affected by that. So don't make that a deal breaker. As long as there's an overall compatibility, you're fine.

Sana 50:18

I agree. Yeah, I agree with what you've said, but I just want to take it a step further and say I think the issue in compatibility is one person who their lifestyle is a lot more sedentary, they don't go to the gym, but they're with someone who is very active, is very much about that lifestyle. I think the issue in compatibility is when there's expectations that haven't been aired out beforehand, and say it's kind of assumed that like the person who goes to the gym is kind of thinking, okay, they're gonna start going to the gym.

Sharif Faizullah 50:45

Exactly.

Sana 50:45

Or the other way around, or the other way around.

Sharif Faizullah 50:47

There you go.

Sana 50:48

That's where the issue comes from.

Sharif Faizullah 50:49

Yeah, so that's the discussion you want to have. You want to say, hey, right now this is my lifestyle and I want to maintain this lifestyle. What are your thoughts on that? What is your current lifestyle? And from that discussion, you will know if there is a willingness. So if the guy is like, hey, yeah, absolutely, I'm willing to go to the gym, or you can see that he's overall, he's healthy, he's fit. But I agree with what Sana said in terms of it's about their conversation, open-mindedness, willing to talk about it, willing to adjust to help each other.

Sana 51:12

A deal maker would be probably if you're a little bit older than me. For me, I think age isn't that much of a big factor. Obviously, there's a limit. I'm not going for like a 65-year-old man in the nursing home. I'm just putting that out there. But I think if you're a little bit younger, a little bit older, it's not really a massive thing for me. Cause I don't think age really signifies much other than how many birthdays you've had. Because people's maturity is different depending on their experience, not their time on earth. So it would be nice if he was a little bit older, but it's not going to be something that I'd be like, oh my god, you're the same age as me. You're two days younger. That's it. It's a no. I have a question, which might be me playing devil's advocate in this section. Height and weight come into play on the scale of importance. Where do they lie for you? But also where do you think they should lie just for everyone in general? I'm gonna expose myself here.

SPEAKER_01 52:06

I have a type and it's short kings. I do have and I'm tall, so it's a little bit unfortunate. So I'm learning to get over my no, he hasn't been six footer above. So I'm like, hey man, if he's a good guy, we might just have to go for it. But I have some friends who are like, die hard, we'll die on the hill. That he could have everything, and if he's six foot one, I'm not going for him. I think you're putting a little too much stock in that. So for height, guys, they can't help that. And it really just depends on all the compatibility. If everything else is good and this is something that you're willing to sacrifice, just do it. This is one of those things that it's not really negative or positive, it's just a neutral thing. It's height. Like, what can I do?

Sana 52:46

Yeah, you don't want to be stood up 24-7 with him.

SPEAKER_01 52:49

So I think yeah, I feel like it's not something that's net necessarily detrimental to me if they're short. Weight, I think it becomes a problem if they don't care at all. Just because longevity. There are things that come with being overweight, and so I would just want them to be conscious. That's really my only caveat with that. I feel like if you're conscious and you're working towards being better, just taking care of your health in general. Because I know there are conditions where you can't necessarily control your weight all the time, and that's fine. So as long as they've looked into that and they know where they are with their health, then I don't think it should be an issue. Yeah, at least not for me personally. I feel like those two things fall pretty low on my scale of like importance. Are you physically attracted to them? Yes. Cool. After that, the end.

Sana 53:30

Like that. Yeah, I feel like mine are quite similar to yours. If there is a guy shorter than me, I would be kind of surprised because I'm on the shorter end of the spectrum. But it'd be ideal if he was taller. But if he isn't, and everything else is green flag, green flag, green flag. I'm not gonna be like, no. In terms of weight, I think weight for me wouldn't be an issue. It'd be more like your composition. Because obviously some people are really muscular but weigh a lot, whereas some people can weigh a lot less but just be entirely made of fat. For me, it'd depend on that.

Sharif Faizullah 54:01

I feel like weight gets more weight than it needs to be. Like the topic of weight, we give more weight to it, you know what I mean?

Sana 54:08

Another question: what would your reaction be? First of all, if someone had something like height or weight as one of their deal breakers, like a guy had that and you were getting to know him. And secondly, if he had an unrealistic deal breaker, but he wasn't that set on it, or maybe if it was like a deal maker for him, some unrealistic expectation, what would your reaction be to both those scenarios?

SPEAKER_01 54:30

Everyone's entitled to their own opinion. Who am I to be like, well, that's a crappy thing for you to have on your list? I might have something that offends him. I might be intrigued. I might be like, Well, why do you feel that way? He might have put that on there, like, oh well, my friend said I should expect this of my wife, or I saw TikTok that the perfect woman does this, this, this, and this. Well, okay. This was wrong. And then that would tell me all I need to know. Is this person realistic? Does this person take these things seriously or not? Because, like, for me, I would want them to take their list as seriously as I do mine, where I would be like, What do I want to live with? What do I really want for my kids? That kind of stuff. So that would tell me all I need to know, really. Like, why would you have that on there? I don't want to talk to you anymore.

Sana 55:07

For me, I'd probably have to do a bit more probing in terms of weight or something. If it was more for health reasons, I'd be a bit more understanding. If it was for reasons that, oh well, all the girls on Instagram are size six or a size eight, then I'd be like, if that's your standard of women, I don't think on any level we're gonna be compatible. So I would kind of need to dig deeper. And it also kind of made me question how superficial they are. If that's making it onto their list, it would kind of make me take a step back and just think, have I overestimated how compatible we are? Because that making it onto your list just rubs me up the wrong way. But obviously, I would have to probe first to decide whether I agree with it and think it's appropriate to be on there or not.

Sharif Faizullah 55:48

I like what you guys said about probing. I think that's the right way to go. Because you would be surprised. Sometimes the guys put stuff, they don't even realize that they're actually making it more important than it needs to be. So keep that in mind. Not all guys do this knowingly, it's just like, hey, I thought this is what I'm supposed to put down to dig deeper.

SPEAKER_01 56:06

If it's just based off of like, yeah, that's nice what I saw on TikTok and Instagram, like all these girls. I want you to look like so-and-so. Well, I hate to break it to you, but majority of people don't look like so-and-so. They probably don't even look like that in real life. Yeah, like if you hold that expectation for yourself, too, that would be another thing. If you're able to uphold your own expectations for your wife, then I understand. You want someone that matches your lifestyle. That's a different story. But if you don't uphold any standard of health, appearance, nothing like you're walking around like a bum, and then you expect me to be, I don't know, Kate Hudson. Let's really dig deep there.

Sharif Faizullah 56:39

Age and height. Between the two, which one is more important?

SPEAKER_01 56:43

Age. I agree. Age.

Sharif Faizullah 56:44

Yeah, I think we're on the same page. So, what age signifies is maturity. That's the first thing. Second thing is in terms of overall his life, how prepared he is for a married life, that's the part of it. And the third thing, probably the most important, is the question you want to ask is can I respect this guy as my husband and the future father of my children? Can I look up to him? That's the key. It is not actually about age and height. What those things signify is can I respect him? I'm two years younger than my wife. I can hold my space, I can lead the family. That did not matter to me at all. But I am a little bit taller than her. So she was okay with that. She compromised on one, not on both. And I wholeheartedly 100% agree with that. Is that if you're gonna compromise on age or height, compromise on one of them, but not on both. Because let's say the guy is shorter than you and the guy is younger than you. Now that guy has to be exceptionally exceptional for you to be able to look up to him and respect him every day. Some people might disagree with me, that's okay. But this is what I have seen, practically speaking, is that you don't want to compromise on both. I would tell this to my daughter very directly if you really, really like a guy and everything is good and one of those two things, that's fine. Compromise on that, but make sure at the end of the day you can respect him. Because 10, 20, 30 years from now, when the initial honeymoon stage is over, what's gonna keep this marriage strong is that level of love and respect. Can you still continue to have that for each other? Comprende?

SPEAKER_01 58:08

Yeah, that's a really good point. I didn't even clock that honestly. I was like, that is exactly how I feel about that. Actually, I agree 100% with age and health, something that I would want before marriage, I ever want to be tested for everything. Um, just because I think it's important to know your blood type compatibility. And this is like towards the end, like when you're pretty much sure that this is the person, just in case they have something they don't know about. In the state of Oklahoma, that's where my mom's from. It's required before you sign a civil marriage certificate that they have to get blood tested, and I think that that's a great thing. In case someone's lying about something or you want to find out anything, it's all there. So I would want that. I don't think it would be a deal breaker later in life if I found out they have like a family history of different different things. I know that I also have family histories of different things, and I think that I would be well equipped to deal with those things, but this is something to mention. I feel like people kind of glaze over that. You want to make sure that if this person is also one of the people in their family that would have this, would you be okay dealing with that? For me necessarily, I don't think it's a deal breaker, but it could be for someone else.

Sharif Faizullah 59:06

When we talk about health screening, let's say health background check, this is where a lot of people misunderstand. Testing for any type of STIs, I think that's a must. So I like what you mentioned in Oklahoma, it's a requirement. In some other states, it's not a requirement, it's voluntary. So if you actually bring it up, hey, say I'm willing to do this test, are you willing to do it as well? That would be an excellent way to find out more. However, do you have to have the same blood type compatibility? I think some people might take it a little bit too far because blood type compatibility does not affect your fertility, your overall health, going through pregnancy and child rearing. The only exception is the RH factor, the woman having negative and the guy having positive. But even then, there are prevention. Modern medicine has already solved it. So I don't want you guys to make that a big deal. If you know that hey, my blood type is Rh negative and the guy's Rh positive. Well, talking to a doctor, it's an easy solution. If the guy has everything, none of your deal breakers, and he has most of your deal makers, but in this one area you're not compatible, I'd say look into it further. It's not a cause to say goodbye.

Sana 1:00:11

I agree with what you're saying, but I think in certain circumstances it'd probably be a lot more of a bigger deal if you knew that you are of that blood type. Say you want to have multiple kids, just going into it with your eyes open so that you know that this is going to be an obstacle that we are going to face. Are you prepared for it? In my opinion, it's not that much of a big deal, but I think for certain people it may be.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:34

My point for bringing that up is just in general, I feel like the testing gives you so many resources about your own health and their health that you guys can look into. You can look into your own. You don't necessarily have to probe what are your results? What did you get? What is your okay? You're not answering.com, calm down. Um, but like both of you will find out more information about yourselves, and I think that it's good to have just in your back pocket. I agree with Sharif. I don't think that all of these things should necessarily be number one on the priority list for compatibility. I think it's just like general knowledge that you should have about yourself before pursuing this because marriage comes with kids, comes with different things. It's just about painting a bigger picture, I guess. So that's why I brought it up.

Sharif Faizullah 1:01:07

I recommend doing something like that. You can even do it now when we blood test and just make sure everything is okay. Just do it for general health. Do you guys know what percentage of the world's population have Rh negative? I think it might be helpful to know because some people might be worried.

Sana 1:01:19

It's something quite small.

Sharif Faizullah 1:01:21

Yeah, about 15% approximately. So that's the very minority of the people. So if you're Rh positive, don't even worry about it. The only situation where it might be worth looking into more is if you're Rh negative and he is Rh positive. That's it. That's the only time it's worth looking into. So making sure that you and the guy you are both free from STIs and anything else that might harm. You want to have a third party or just go to a doctor and say, hey, do you see any issue? Because we want to make sure that, inshallah, we can have healthy children. And after all of that, Allah could still test you by giving you children who will have challenges. Don't think this is like a sheer fire way of avoiding all of that. However, have something else to compare it to. Is that more important? Or in terms of overall health, like when you get pregnant, how many children you want, how early you want to start this process, which is more important do you guys think?

Sana 1:02:10

So the blood type versus timeline, children timeline. Children timeline, if that's what we're calling it.

Sharif Faizullah 1:02:16

Yeah.

Sana 1:02:17

It's probably more important.

Sharif Faizullah 1:02:18

Exactly. Even if you get married early, it doesn't mean you have to have children right away. I I don't recommend that. But if you choose to get married beyond 30, this pregnancy doctor she mentioned that after 32, your chance of pregnancy becomes half every year that goes by. That's a bigger deal than looking for blood type compatibility. I remember my wife and I, one of the only questions we asked each other was, How many children do you want? She said three and I said three. I don't know where the number came from. Alhamdulillah, now we have three. It just happened. If a guy asks you this type of question, that actually shows signs of maturity and future planning and foresightedness and long-term vision, by the way. So don't get weirded out because you don't know how to answer them. If you don't know the answer, say I don't know, I haven't thought about it. But what what do you think? So start that dialogue. How many children I want? Maybe I want to wait a couple of years until I'm um, you know, up to this stage in life. But if you're choosing a capstone marriage and you say, hey, we're gonna get married and we're gonna start trying for babies right away, well, probably a good idea to mention that in a respectful way. Because the guy might be expecting, hey, after a marriage, we want to spend two to three years just ourselves, and here you're like, you know what, as soon as you get married, all right, that's it. I want to try for a baby. That might create additional challenges in the marriage.

SPEAKER_01 1:03:25

So let's say they want a capstone marriage, they're getting married later in life and they're still pursuing having children, so it would be considered a geriatric pregnancy. Do you think that when talking about getting married, a woman should disclose if she has a history of fertility issues? Not even necessarily her herself, she could be fine. Let's say her mom had had a geriatric pregnancy that was a struggle, or she has a family history of that. What are your thoughts on that discussion?

Sharif Faizullah 1:03:50

I think when you talk about that in general, in terms of planning for future children, that might be a good place to talk about those things. Do you have any concerns? I think family history in regards to health, some of the things that might be passed down from generation to generation are worth mentioning. Do not start off your conversation with these. When there's the first couple of sets of compatibility, check, check, check, okay, everything is good. Then you mention these things. These are like fine-tuning details. A guy might still be okay with it. But don't overshare. If you know something that might be harmful, or later down the line, if the guy finds out about this after marriage, you'll be like, that was unfair to our family. Like the fact that you didn't disclose that before, that's unfair to our child and all of that. If you know it's something like that, then definitely share that. But if it's something that is not gonna be passed down from generation to generation, it's not hereditary, then I don't think that's that's an issue at all.

Sana 1:04:40

I have a question for you, Amel. Okay, what's up? If say you both obviously got tested and found out that there was a chance that your child would then potentially be born with a certain illness or disease or something like that, do you think that would be enough of a reason for you to call it off, or would you still continue? But if it's a 50-50 chance of them getting it, it's not 100% yes.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:05

I feel like that could happen with anyone. You know what I mean? I feel like some things are just the qadr of Allah. Like if you're supposed to have something, you're gonna have it regardless. I'll give an example. My sister in 2019, I found her, I opened the door to her bedroom, and she was having a seizure, and she had never had a seizure before in her life. She's not an epileptic, she's not anything, but she was seizing. And I called emergency services, she was airlifted to the PQ because no hospital near us was equipped to deal with her condition, and she ended up having a stroke and different different things, and she had had a dormant disease in her brain, and we didn't know about it because none of us had it. We didn't know, we had never had her tested, and she had to go to rehab to relearn how to like breathe, walk, talk, all those things. So I feel like if something is meant to happen and you're supposed to go through that challenge, then you just are. So I don't think that that would be a deal breaker for me, depending on if it's something that my child could live a good life with, then I would do everything in my power to give them that good life for our Of the condition. If the guy was a good guy and had all my other deal makers, and this was just one thing that by chance could happen to my kids, then I think I would go for it. It's just I said, okay, now. Yes, she has a handala. She doesn't have any deficits at all. She's completely recovered Hamdala by the grace of God. But yeah, that was a scary time in life. Intellectual compatibility that would cover your values, education, decision making, and sharing of ideas.

Sharif Faizullah 1:06:27

Let's go into values. I think of values as GPS for our life. So it's like, what's the internal compass that I'm using to make my life decisions? What are my deal breakers? What are my non-negotiables? You know what? I'm not gonna compromise on this ever. And you know what? This is so important to me that I'm willing to sacrifice other areas of my life to get this. That's how I define values. So you can actually go back to the eight slices of compatibility and you say, What do I value in this life? What is so important to me? I'm willing to not sleep at night to get this done. To me, that's value. If you're willing to withstand criticism and complaining from people and hardship to avoid something, to get something, that's value. So honesty, generosity, punctuality like these are examples of values I feel like people gave us. It's not something we ourselves decided. So, what do I hold to be true? I'm not talking about religious belief here. Yes, religious belief is part of it, but it's deeper than that. That's why we want you to have these marriage conversations with your potential spouse, because this is how you get to figure out each other. What do you really value in your life? So when you see an alcoholic working 80 hours a week and destroying their health, not spending time with their wife or their children, what is their value? It could be financial success, it could be status, it could be prestige. You see what I mean? So, so what you want to do, you want to be a detective to figure out what his values are now, so that in the future, based on those values, which are not likely to change too much, how his life would be like. So, everything we're talking about in this deep dive, there's like so many hints about what we actually value. So, intellectual compatibility. Actually, yesterday I just had a conversation with one of our team members. She's single, she's looking, and she says, if I cannot have an intellectual conversation with the guy, that's a deal breaker. Like my parents could bring someone, everything is good, but like the guy is not able to interact with me or engage with me or disagree with me, or all of that, like I'm gonna be dead. I just can't be in that. So when we say intellectual compatibility, figuring out your values is part of that intellectual compatibility. You may have different values, but the fact that you're willing to talk about it, you're willing to engage in that conversation, it doesn't mean you see eye to eye. It doesn't mean you agree on everything. Now, what does education have to do with this?

SPEAKER_01 1:08:43

Education, I feel like that could be a value, but you want to see where they fall and do they value education? That is something that I feel like you have to align with because how you feel about your own education is gonna influence how you feel about others' education, meaning your partner and or your children. How do you feel about being educated? What is your minimum and maximum for being educated? I feel like that's what you kind of need to cover.

Sharif Faizullah 1:09:05

What you just said, those are okay, but what you just said at the end, what is the bare minimum I need to have in the guy? If the maximum he got educated was eighth grade level and I have a master's degree, am I willing to have a husband who has eighth grade education? I reckon there will be a lot of issues about that in the future marriage. However, there might be exceptions where he's self-taught. Now he's making six-figure income. There are a lot of success stories like that. That's why you want to make sure you are somewhat similar. It doesn't have to be the same. If you say, Oh, I have a master's, the guy has to have a master's degree, otherwise, a deal breaker, you might be losing out on a lot of opportunities. Because I know guys who finish their bachelor's and they do amazing things with their life. They are satisfied with what they do, they have a clear vision in their life. They're like, to do that, I don't really need a master's or a PhD. I don't want to spend two more years and then $200,000 on that. I'd rather make $200,000 in a year by doing my business. Do you know what I mean? So I think education, having a similar level of education, going back to respect, education, it's not about the degree or a piece of paper. It's actually, can we intellectually engage each other, stimulate each other, challenge each other? Does that make sense?

Sana 1:10:07

I agree with everything that you said. I'm not disagreeing, but I think I viewed the question in a different way, in the sense like education in terms of like other people's education.

Sharif Faizullah 1:10:15

Okay, let me So let me let me see if I can help. So you you're not talking about the guy's education per se, you're talking about how much he values education in general, learning in general.

Sana 1:10:24

Yeah, yeah, that's that's what I was because you often hear of stories of guys who don't really value education. This is more in like the red pill alpha male kind of sphere where it's like education is only a piece of paper, like I don't care about it, blah blah blah. Lent I was looking at the fifth section.

Sharif Faizullah 1:10:42

I think that is part of it. On that note, let's say you're a student of knowledge, you want to study Islamic sciences and Quran and all of that. Virtually, you can actually get an associate degree or a bachelor's degree or a master's degree in Islamic studies, in specific sciences like that. Is he willing to do that? He doesn't have to necessarily join you, but is he okay with you doing that? Because I know quite a few husbands, they're mad at their wife. They don't want her to join a Zoom class where she's learning how to recite Quran, or he doesn't want her to enroll in this course where they're learning about, let's say, family and this and that from an Islamic perspective. These are our extracurricular, like this is not a regular high school college curriculum. This is something extra. Maybe they're doing it after they retire. So you want to find out his willingness, his perspective, his attitude about that as well. So there are multiple things here. One is in terms of education, how much is your bare minimum? And is there a maximum? Or are you like, no, it doesn't matter. You already have one PhD or you want to go for a second PhD, go for it. But if that means sacrificing family and children, um, probably not. You need to have that minimum and maximum. And I like that both of you are focusing on education in general, like his attitude about people being educated in general. I agree, but I will put it probably on the bottom of the list because what he thinks about it matters more than what the rest of the world thinks about it.

SPEAKER_01 1:11:54

The maximum and minimum thing, I think it comes back to like yes, being respectful and being engaging. As long as they can have an engaging conversation with the things that you value, this goes back to values. Like, if you're educated on something and I can buy stock in that and I think that we are compatible in that way, okay. I don't care if you have an eighth grade education or college education. If you're able to pursue your goals, have goals, be an ambitious and still driven, devoted person, fine. A piece of paper is a piece of paper. And yeah, I think pursuit of knowledge and the attitude towards that is really important too. Like, I hate guys who are like, well, I hate reading and I hate this because it's like, how do you get information? Like, do you pursue anything, or did you just like graduate and you're like, okay, I'm done learning for the rest of my life? That attitude I feel like is really damaging because then they're not open to criticism or open discussion. If they don't want to learn about like equestrian habits, okay, I understand that that's something you're interested in. But an attitude in general towards open discussions, higher level thinking, like comprehension, those kinds of things, that's also educational stuff that I think I would value intellectual compatibility.

Sharif Faizullah 1:12:53

That would be in your deal makers. Like, hey, I would like to have this in the guy. However, the guy doesn't have to be a bookworm, the guy doesn't have to have five libraries already established in his house in five different rooms. It's about the overall compatibility. You want to go deeper and see intellectually if you guys can dance with each other. Let's go to the next one: decision making. How does that come into intellectual compatibility?

SPEAKER_01 1:13:13

I'm a little bit biased here. I don't know. I am the eldest daughter of two eldest children. The decision making in our house is like a lot, and it always somehow comes to me. I don't know why. My parents decide to wait all the time. They're like, when Um comes home from school, then we're gonna decide this, this, this, and this. And I'm like, why? Why? So I have a lot of decision fatigue. So personally, my deal maker and deal breaker, I want my man to make basically all the don't ask me. I want to be branded. You make all the decisions, but with that in mind, I do want them to be respectful of what I would want. I don't want someone who's just gonna come in and be like, okay, you told me to make all the decisions. You don't have a say. I would like a say, but I don't want it to be like the main focus where you're just I feel like I touched on it earlier, like a yes man. Like, well, what do you want? Are you sure? No, I want someone who's confident in their decision-making ability and gives me the respect of like giving my opinion. But I want you to be confident that you know more than I do.

Sana 1:14:06

I think for me, I agree with you in having someone who's confident in their decision making because I think I am generally someone who not struggles to make decisions, but it'll be the most pedantic thing that I'll be there umming and Ring for like ages. Which chocolate bar do I get? Do I go for the crunchy or do I go for the kinder bueno? And I know that either way, I'm eating calories like it's not that big of a deal. But I'll still like be like, mm-hmm, but do I, do I not? And then I just end up getting both. But I need someone who will be like, just get this one. End of story, let's get this over and done, we've got things to do. But I think another perspective of this, which may be a little bit controversial, is that as the woman, I would prefer to make most of the small decisions. Whereas I'd kind of want the guy to make the bigger decisions, obviously to still involve me in them, but kind of I have the last set on the smaller decisions. So, what are we eating tonight? What are we doing on the weekend? Are we going for a movie or are we going to the park? Whereas the bigger decisions on like, are we gonna move into this house or this house? Are we going to go here on holiday or here on holiday? I prefer them to be taken on by him. Obviously, still consult me, I would still consult him on my things, but his say is the last say on that, and my say is a lassay on my thing. So kind of like dividing them like that would make it easy. I think that's a bit controversial. With that, I do disagree.

SPEAKER_01 1:15:23

Well, to an extent, I know for a fact when I am inshallah married and having a home, I'm not gonna give my husband a say in like linens, towels, decor. No, sorry, you can have like maybe one woman's house and you can choose that. But other than that, that's my thing. But with like bigger decisions, I feel like we're looking at decision making in a really toxic way, where it's very gendered, like there's male thinking and woman thinking, and there's male decision making and woman decision making. It's kind of valid, but then I also want to know it should be a partnership. So I don't know. I think for certain things it's like not that he has a last say, but I guess I just want him to be, like I said, confident in his decision making. I don't think there would ever be like a situation where I'm like, oh, you just completely have the last say at all. There are things that I think we would divide, like, I'm more comfortable with you taking roles on because you know more here and I know more here with respect to that, like still include me just so I know what's happening. And if I have a caveat, I'm able to portray that. Be informed and capable enough. If I wasn't there to give my opinion, you would know what I would say, and you would still do the right thing, I guess. I'm excited to hear what Sharif has to say about this.

Sharif Faizullah 1:16:29

Yeah, I love this so much. I turned off the light so I could draw something. Alright, here we go. Let's start with our decision, right? So we have our, and then you have my, you have his. You want to know. So I'm gonna you said something very interesting. First, you said I want you to make all the decisions, and then you said, like, no, no, no, linen and stuff. No way, like shh, I would question that. I would recommend not using always, and I'm recommending not using never because you put yourself in trouble if you start off with that. Say, hey, I want you to be the leader of the family, I want you to make all the decisions. I wouldn't recommend that. I also wouldn't want to say, Well, I know what I want, that's it, I know what I want from my children, I'm gonna make all that decision. You have no say in that. You don't want to be like a maternal dictator, you also don't want to be uh push over a rug, somebody else can walk over. I feel like whenever we use these words, we're opening rooms for either of those two extremes. So I'm gonna cross them out. Now, going back to this, there are arenas where it's just my decision. So, for example, I'm I'm speaking from a woman's perspective here. In terms of the kind of trimmer that I'm gonna buy, in terms of the clothes, some of the stuff I wear. I've lived my life for the last two, three decades in a certain way. There are certain things that I know, I got those. For him, some of the things that he likes and he does, just let him deal with that. What you want to focus on, what are the things we both will decide together and which ones we will prioritize. And that's where decision making comes in. If we disagree on this, now what do we do? After discussion, you're like, hey, we're both on the same page, excellent. Or one of you is able to convince the other, excellent. But let's say you're you know going out in terms of weekly dating, this is what I recommend. You take turns. One person plans everything from the location to the activities and all of that, and then they don't tell the other person and it's a surprise. Next week, it's the other person's turn and it's also a surprise. So there are things where you take turns. So our decision could happen two ways, where he makes these decisions at the end of the day. Again, I'm talking about a woman's perspective. After consulting me, I'm gonna let him make the final decision. And then I make the final decision. It could be in terms of the kind of pregnancy that I want, the kind of birth that I want to give, things related to my body, and things like that. I'm gonna make that after consultation, after knowing what his preferences are, I'm gonna make those final decisions. And then this is where you take turns. So you take turn in these things. Dating is an example, household activities, chore-wise. So, for example, taking out the garbage, guess who does that? Me. We've discussed it. I want to be the one because that's the stereotypical husband role. I'm willing to fulfill that. Go for it. Like cooking-wise, cleaning-wise, all that stuff. So maybe we take turn depending on who has to go to work. So we are sensible about that stuff. I feel like people just make it in one camp or the other. You want your husband to lead your family, but you want the room to express your individuality, your personality, your likes and discuss. Trust me, otherwise, you're gonna start resenting his decision, be like, You are the leader. Go, I follow you no matter what you say. And then at two years later, you'll be like, oh my god, you're such a dictator. That's what's gonna happen. Because I've seen that happen. Now I'm gonna be like, I want my brain to be dead when I'm in front of you, you make all the decisions, that's gonna lead to a problem down the line. Now, what you want to do is discuss what are the things that we're gonna decide together. For example, if you're gonna not have kids for the first couple of years, who is gonna take the responsibility of protection? It's on the guy. If you want to put a no hormonal birth control, absolutely no no. So if my wife says I'm okay taking birth control pill, I'll be like, no, I'm gonna veto that. I'm gonna sit down with her to tell her all the consequences that will happen to her body. And after two hours of explaining, asking AI, looking into the research, and like, all right, now tell me what you think. And I'm hoping that I will be able to convince her that no, that's not good for you. Let me take that difficult role of it. It is difficult because it's not foolproof, by the way. You could still get pregnant. So you see where I'm getting at? You want to see what are the areas that that you know what, I'm not gonna willing to go. That's why if you know each other's deal breakers, you know, non-negotiables, this will help in that regard. I want to hear your thoughts on that.

SPEAKER_01 1:20:17

I definitely agree. That's why I had the caveat when I first said, like, oh, I want to be wind up, but I'm biased. Right now, decision making sounds like such a chore to me, but I know that when I'm realistically talking to someone and I want to pursue that, it's gonna be more of a balance. It's not gonna be an always-never situation. Like I said, there's certain things that I know that I probably know better, and he there's certain things that he probably knows better. So when we discuss those things, it's gonna be like, hey, who's gonna take the lead on this? Not oh, you're always taking the lead or I'm always taking the lead. It's more so like we both have our strengths and weaknesses and we'll find our balance.

Sana 1:20:46

I agree with what you said. I think if you're someone that works like that, it works well. But I think for me personally, the way I like to work is like, let's say we're planning on buying a new car, let's go look at a variety of different cars together. I will give you maybe like three or four that I'd be happy with. You can now then take that final decision rather than because for me, I just think decision making isn't my best skill. So I'd rather outsource that for the benefit of either just me or him or the family or whoever's involved. I like taking on decisions that are like less the consequences aren't that deep. So for me, that's how I work. But would I recommend that for other people? Probably not, but just because I know what I'm like, that's how I would want my dynamics, but for other people, I would definitely recommend everything that Sharif's already said.

Sharif Faizullah 1:21:34

So, question then. We talked about our, we talked about my and we talked about his, right? My and his, I think they're easy. But the tricky part is how do you know which one will go into our decision making where we make decisions together? At the end of the day, let's say he makes the final decision, but we're gonna discuss it together or take turn. How do you know which ones go in that category of making decision together?

SPEAKER_01 1:21:54

I think ones that are going to outwardly affect both of you.

Sharif Faizullah 1:21:58

That's it.

SPEAKER_01 1:21:59

Yeah, whatever medication I take for my headache has nothing to do with him. Or whatever. If I want to go to the store and buy a snack that only I'm gonna eat and I'm by myself, it's not a decision that I need to call him and be like, hey, should I buy chips or crackers? It doesn't matter. He's not eating them again. Okay, a car. Are we both gonna drive it? Yes. Are we both gonna have to make insurance payments? Yes. Okay, that would be an R decision. Does it affect me at all? No, cool, that's all you.

Sharif Faizullah 1:22:22

Yeah, and if you have preferences, it's a good idea to mention that beforehand. So you're like, hey, I would like my husband to take on the decision making, to make most of these major decisions in my life. But I would like to look over these parts. So look at your life in different rooms, different areas, different departments, and who's gonna handle what department? Money is a big issue, right? Let's say you have a joint bank account, checking account, and then in terms of expenses and all that, so there's usually this discussion, like we're both putting money in there. If it's like two, three hundred dollars, we don't have to ask each other. But if it's five hundred dollars or above, we're gonna consult each other because we wanna make sure that we stay within that range. These discussions are so good. They might sound like boring and unromantic, but trust me, these discussions will give you that strength, that glue to make that marriage work later. These are the discussions real solid, long-lasting marriages are made of. And be open and honest about your preferences. Don't change who you are just to please him. He likes chicken and you like beef. Well, why don't you enjoy both? If you're okay eating both of them, say hey, we can take a turn. But don't become a chicken eater for the rest of your life just because he likes chicken. And then every time you take a bite of chicken, you're like, Oh man, I wish this was beef. Don't do that to yourself. I'm just giving that an example, and that applies to other areas of your life as well. So be who you are, preserve your individuality, personality. You don't want to become, oh, I want to be lost in my husband's life. Like, don't get lost. Be who you are, let him be who he is, and then you take the best part of both of you and put them together, that's where you have this family, inshallah, your future children will benefit from that. Sharing of ideas, this last part of intellectual compatibility, this is where you actually share your idea and share your thoughts. So you don't shy away from it. What is one question you can ask your future husband if there is a very difficult topic you've been avoiding for a while, but you know you would need to talk about it, how would you softly introduce that? How would you ask? So, this is the art of having difficult conversation.

SPEAKER_01 1:24:12

I'm a very blunt person, I feel like, with uncomfortable topics. If I know that I need to talk about it, I'm not the type of person to just beat around the bush. Oh, I'll be like, hey, I have something to talk to you about. It might be a little bit awkward or touchy. I'm struggling to kind of find the words for it. But do you mind if we talk about it? If they're open and receptive to that, great, and then I'll probably just bring it up. I don't like being wishy-washy because I feel like that just creates anxiety for no reason. Just make sure that they're ready to handle whatever you're about to say and then just say it.

Sana 1:24:39

I think the way I'd probably go about it, which I don't think is probably the best. I think Amazon's way is probably a bit better. I'd probably send a message and just be like, hey, this is something I want to discuss in person. Kind of give a heads up that this is a conversation that I want to have. So in person, it's like they're ready, I'm ready. And I think it takes the ease off of you having to introduce a topic because they might then bring it up and be like, okay, so you know you sent that message, or you wanted to talk about this. So it would just be a bit more of an easier transition, but I don't think that's particularly the best story.

SPEAKER_01 1:25:12

That would say into a spiral. If you texted me before I had to meet you and you were like, Hey, I had an important topic. I would cry, I think. Like I would start crying.

Sharif Faizullah 1:25:22

The anticipation of what the topic might be, right? Okay.

Sana 1:25:26

I'd probably be like, Oh, there's this topic I want to talk about. Still, but like what do you mean? Oh my god, he's gonna I would yeah, he's gonna bring out a skeleton out of my closet.

Sharif Faizullah 1:25:37

That's it, we're over.

Sana 1:25:39

That's why I know it's not the best way, but I'll be honest, I'm not particularly good in those kind of situations. I avoid them, like, oh, I do enjoy beating round the bush.

Sharif Faizullah 1:25:49

The four words that no spouse wants to hear or see in a text would be we need to talk. Talk about what? Are we breaking up? Are we going on a vacation? Well, what are we talking about? Not a good way to introduce anything. You want to see before marriage, as you have this conversation, how willing is he in terms of talking about difficult topics? So how he handles sensitive topics. If you share something, share a secret, is he willing to go and just tell 20 people, share with his friends? Again, going back to you want to be a good detective. So I wanna, this is going back to decision making, by the way. So I'm kind of combining these two ideas. There's one thing that I personally experienced this, and a lot of husbands have shared this. A lot of women, this could be stereotypical generalization, but I found this to be true in my own marriage based on other people. I don't have any research to back it up. So take it with a grain of salt. A lot of women want their men, their husbands, to read their minds. He doesn't know what I like. Well, we've been married for 14 years. He come on, man. You're supposed to know what I want. You're supposed to know everything about me. You're my soulmate. Like, come. I think that expectation is very, very, very, very, very, and if I can use very to the infinity, um, leading you to a point of extreme level of disappointment. I'm telling you, I am not a mind reader. I don't know a single man on earth who is a mind reader. If you do not tell him what you like and what you don't like, for you to expect him to do what you like and then get mad for him not doing it, you're just shooting yourself in the foot. I'm being very blunt here. Don't do that. So do not expect your husband to be a mind reader. Men in general, we like clear instructions and clear directives. So if you're asking for his attention, like he's in the middle of doing something, and then he said, I'll get to it 10 minutes later, you're like, why not now? Our expectation is going back to value. What I value that when I want your attention, you're gonna give it to me right away. You delay 10 minutes, it's like 10 years of torture for me. You gotta express that. So he will know, honey, I know that's so important to me, but let me finish this phone call and I'll be with you.

SPEAKER_01 1:27:45

That was something that I struggled with, especially like in friendships and things like that, because I catch on to all those little things, and I had to learn that okay, not everybody is doing that. And I had this expectation going to my friendships that, like, okay, for 10 plus years, you know that I'm like this, you should know. People need directives. Not everybody has the same pattern recognition you're gonna have. They need you to share your ideas and expectations so they can live up to them. And then if they're not fulfilling expectations, then okay, it's understandable. And a quote that I don't remember who said it, being angry is like drinking poison, expecting the other person to die. With stuff like that, I apply it here. Like if I'm mad about this, but they don't know that I'm mad, if I'm drinking poison, I'm expecting them to die. They don't know what I'm expecting or what my emotional needs are. I never express if someone's doing something after you've expressed it, that's a whole other story. But if you've never expressed something and you're expecting them to act a certain way, it's like you never told them they were supposed to do that. So I had to learn that the hard way.

Sana 1:28:42

I think because women generally can pick up each other's signals and kind of know that oh, because she's doing that, she's upset. That made her angry. Because we think like that, we kind of just assume that men also think like that. So when we go hoff and puff and storm off, we think, okay, he's now gonna know that I'm angry because if he did that, I would know he's angry. But because you've not verbally said, I'm angry that you turned off the TV or I'm angry that you've not done the laundry, he doesn't get that signal. But we just assume that because we would understand that signal that he should too, men just don't get it. You need to actually say it so that it processes.

Sharif Faizullah 1:29:21

That's where a lot of the fights in marriages happen. It's the expectation of I thought my husband knew everything about me. But this is where the fun and romance is getting to figure each other out, getting to share your ideas, what you like, what you dislike. You ask each other questions. Tell me about your childhood. What was your favorite part? What was the part you didn't like? And then you also share. I think that's what makes it more enjoyable. So sharing of ideas and sharing of values expresses what it is. And I feel language is quite effective. The I statements, those are quite effective. Like I felt loved last week, man, when you took out the trash and I didn't even have to say anything, you just went and did it right away. Oh my god, wow, what a hero. You butter him up a little bit, you mention the good things that he actually did, he's more likely to do that more often. But if you go into the criticism mode, oh my god, you don't love me, you don't care for me, I have to tell you every single time he's gonna feel like you're beating him with a bat on his head and he's just gonna be like, just forget it. I don't want any part of it. He's gonna withdraw and he's gonna go into his defensive mode in his man cave, uh, that is stonewalling. So criticism, stonewalling, defensiveness, and contempt, these are the four predictors of divorce. This is based on 40 plus years of research, by the way. So it's C C D S. Criticism is the most common one. Instead of criticizing, if you use I feel language, boom, amazing start. And the next one is contempt. Contempt is a silent killer. You just looking down on him, berating him, making him feel low. Sometimes the way we talk to each other, what's wrong with you? Didn't your mother ever teach you manners? Like the level of ugh, like slime, like a worm of the earth, that level of denigration, sometimes it's built into how we talk to each other. D. Defensiveness. You don't take responsibility for anything. Something went wrong, that's your fault. No, it's your fault. It's it's always your fault. I am the perfect and everything is your fault. How refreshing would it be to hear that maybe I didn't understand, maybe I didn't do it consciously, but I played a part in this. Every couple who gets divorced, the one couple will be like, Oh, I'm innocent in all this. So defensiveness is another marriage killer. And the last one, S is for what? Stonewalling. Stonewalling. And then to be able to love the other person, even when you're mad at them. True love is like you say, I'm so mad at you, but oh my god, I love you, man. And like to be able to hold those two things at the same time, that's the secret to true romance and true love. So know these four words, they are the biggest marriage killers. The reason I bring it up now is all the slices of compatibility, the way we talk to each other, the comments that he makes, you are looking for these clues. So I think intellectual compatibility, we are touching on a lot of different areas, and some of these things go back to other slices as well. But I think sharing of ideas is something that is absolutely essential. You want to share enough of yourself so you can see if you're compatible with each other. And after you get married, you want to share even more. The more you share, the more you ask, the more you inquire, the more you're curious about each other, the stronger of a bond and attachment you'll be able to make, inshallah. Let's talk about money.

Sana 1:32:13

Financial compatibility that involves your career spending habits and money management.

Sharif Faizullah 1:32:19

So let's talk about career. How do you know if you're compatible with your future husband in terms of career? What are the clues?

Sana 1:32:26

Logistically, are your careers going to work with your lifestyle? What does your career demand of you now and what does it demand of you in the future? Is it the kind of career that you just have to work really hard now and then you can take time off later, kind of relax on your hours and stuff? You're more lenient, or is it a career that it will get progressively harder and harder and you'll have to work more hours, more intense, whether that fits your kind of lifestyle and whether you're compatible on that level?

Sharif Faizullah 1:32:55

And I want to distinguish between people because a lot of people get confused. I was confused, you know, growing up was like the difference between job and a career. You could have multiple jobs, but career is something that you're on for the long haul. It could be related to an industry, it could be related to a specific project, something you're working on. So that's what you want to find out in 20, 30, 40 years, where does he see himself going? Is he willing to stick to that career? Even if that means he's gonna switch jobs time to time, that's fine. The other thing that I would add is in step three, we'll talk about it in more detail. Is when he works, does he work in close proximity to women a lot? Or is that like in a once-in-a-while thing from doctors and nurses and therapists? There are certain fields where they come into contact with women on a regular basis, almost every hour, the whole day. In an environment, in a safe environment, it's not an issue. But if it's in an environment where it's a lot of privacy, if it's in a private one-on-one setting, I would look into that more. This goes back to the question of how do you know if the man is gonna cheat on you later. With his attitude and self-control, there's some things that come, commitment and all of that, but it's also a lot about environment. If he is in an environment where it is so easy to happen, so that's why those are some things that I would look at in terms of career compatibility. And the other part, of course, is what is your expectation in terms of you wanting to continue your career after children, before children, maybe five, ten years after children, and what is his view on that? Is he willing to get on board in this boat and ride together? If he says, no, I expect my wife to work first couple of years, but after we have our children, I want her to dedicate to the children fully. Maybe when the children are grown up, maybe she can go back to her career. Well, what about working from home? What about starting up a business or investment? Yeah, well, so I'm willing to be a full-time mother, but what are your thoughts on this? You want to have that discussion because the more you disagree right now, the more points you bring on the table, the more clarity you will have. You will know, okay, if this guy is good for you or not.

SPEAKER_01 1:34:43

I think overall for this one, it's more so like does both of your career expectations align with your values? It's the priorities involved in the career, and if those align, then it's fine, I think.

Sharif Faizullah 1:34:56

And then we have spending habits and money management. So those are questions. We'll get into those in more detail later. But in terms of, hey, are you a saver? Are you a spender? At the end of the month, how much saving do you end up having? Are you in debt in terms of money management? There are a lot of research done, like you know, people who win lotteries a couple of years later, they're broke. Like, how is that? You just got a hold of hundreds of thousands of dollars and they're all gone because their thermometer of money in their mind, in their life habit, hasn't been properly adjusted. What's the attitude towards money and in terms of money management? So my wife is a much, much better money manager than I am, right? So I trust her in terms of saving, in terms of holding on to money, she is much better. So you want to have those discussions and be open about it. Don't pretend to be someone you're not. If you have credit card debts, if you have a lot of loan that you are still responsible for, share that stuff. Because when he gets married, he's not just marrying you, he's also marrying your financial obligations as well. That is related to let's say you gotta take care of your parents or your siblings and stuff like that. Don't hold anything back. Trust me, that the right guy will hear you out and give his honest opinion, like, hey, I think this is okay. Like you don't want these to be a source of conflict after marriage. Talk about this stuff before marriage.

SPEAKER_01 1:36:05

Disclose your big expenditures and habits you think are definitely gonna impact your marriage and relationship. But here, like we said before, don't overshare. You don't need to like give your whole financial history of your parents, grandparents, everyone. This is more so like you. How many credit cards do you have? Are you someone who's an impulse buyer? If you feel sad, do you go shopping? That's something that would be important to disclose. Like, hey, I enjoy shopping, it's something that I do. Could you manage your money well or not? But you have to find the balance of how much do you want to disclose at this time.

Sharif Faizullah 1:36:33

In terms of careers, where do you want to live? What type of lifestyle you want to have comes into this because someone could have a career where they're happy with $36,000 a year or $48,000 a year, but your lifestyle demands, let's say, $96,000 a year. Well, then are you willing to contribute the other half? Or are you expecting him to double his income to provide that lifestyle? So the kind of lifestyle you want to have kind of ties into this. I think this is something that needs to be talked about within the first one or two meetings. Talking about practical compatibility and financial compatibility, religious and emotional, these would be some of the first discussions that you want to have. So, last thing I want to leave with is to keep in mind, it says in the end of the chapter, there is no such thing as 100% compatibility. You want to prioritize and look for overall compatibility.

Sana 1:37:18

Can you date? We know Islamically we can't date, but then we also know we want to get married. It's like, don't talk to boys, don't talk to boys, don't talk to boys.

SPEAKER_01 1:37:24

Get married. Now, how do I talk to this boy? People simply think they want to date maybe to fit into social norms.

Sharif Faizullah 1:37:30

People think that, oh, I'm making a commitment. This guy's making a commitment to me. All of that is fleeting.

SPEAKER_01 1:37:34

It's just more and more baggage that you're putting on your heart that you have to then unpack. He said this, he left me unread for this long. What's your favorite color? Oh, yours is green, mine is blue. Let's spend time together.

Sharif Faizullah 1:37:49

How do I get to know him in the fastest way possible, in the safest way possible?