SPEAKER_01 0:00

What really does a guy know about being a woman and marriage from a woman's perspective?

Sharif Faizullah 0:04

I am a man, and I'm telling you, men are hazardous to women. No freaking way.

SPEAKER_02 0:10

No way. This is a real thing that happened. If he wanted to, he would. I know we told you not to talk to a boy ever, ever, ever, ever, but actually you need to find someone to have kids with.

SPEAKER_01 0:18

If it was like the other way around where the guy says you're too heavy for me, like you have to be able to take it on the chin.

SPEAKER_02 0:24

Everybody should get married? I don't agree with that. Men can get married until they're like 65, nobody cares. But women are like, no, you have to have kids by the time you're 26.

Sharif Faizullah 0:33

Every master was once a disaster.

SPEAKER_02 0:36

Rank up that marriage that MBA.

SPEAKER_01 0:39

Divorce proof your future marriage today.

SPEAKER_02 0:45

Initially looking at like the preface of the book and seeing that okay, it's for young single Muslim women, and it's written by a man who's not single, not a woman, not a young woman. I was like, where is the relatability? You know, how are we going from point A to point B?

SPEAKER_01 1:01

It is a book about marriage for women. What really does a guy know about being a woman and marriage from a woman's perspective? But once I started reading the book, it kind of made sense to me because in a marriage that is a man and a woman, and this coming from a different perspective of a man makes it more valuable because obviously, as women, we're gonna be getting into marriages with a man. So to see their perspective and their insight, especially in the the process of selecting a husband, I think men know men best and they know how men think.

SPEAKER_02 1:34

And I think as women, when we write books, sometimes we're imagining a prince charming. Not that prince charming isn't gonna exist, but we kind of glaze over certain things.

SPEAKER_01 1:42

So I think coming from a man, okay, he knows what he's talking about. And especially when we get on to the kind of red flag things, I think sometimes as girls we think, oh, it's not a red flag, it's cute, it's cute that he does this. But I think when a man says no, it's not cute, like beware, it means more and it signifies a bit more than just like a girl being like, oh no, don't do this, don't go for this.

Sharif Faizullah 2:03

This is something that is a fact, okay? It is not my opinion. I am a man, and I'm telling you, men are hazardous to women who are dangerous. One of the most dangerous persons you live with, that's gonna be your father, your brother, your husband, or male relatives. I know it's like the damnedest thing to hear, but that's the reality. From domestic abuse to violence, all this stuff that goes on. I'm not gonna sugarcoat it. If I see a man doing something that's a really bad thing for him to do, I will tell you, I'm not gonna hold back. And I will be honest with you uh about some of the stuff that I screwed up also. I made a lot of mistakes. So I'm not here standing in front of like, oh, look at me. No, love mistakes. I could give you a long list. Alhamdulillah, I have learned from them, and I I had teachers and mentors who were able to put some sense into me that, like, hey, you know what? This is not the end. There were so many times I was at the brink of divorce, like we were like, that's it, we're not gonna survive this marriage anymore. I learned how to come back from that, not just come back, go to the next level where I'm actually experiencing that true love. People are like, What true love? It doesn't exist.

SPEAKER_02 3:05

So let me ask you a question about that. So, why were you afraid to begin with? Where was your fear stemming from if you're comfortable sharing that you wouldn't get married or that you would screw it all up?

Sharif Faizullah 3:19

Because I have seen a lot of couples struggle in their marriages, honestly. I have seen some good examples, but at that time, when I was in my late teens and early 20s, the ratio of bad marriages that I saw and the ratio of good marriages, not even a comparison, it's so many bad marriages. And I personally knew because I was involved in the community, I was working with the youngsters, right? I interact with some of their parents. I'm like, wait a second, that that I just saw you guys like smiling and laughing and holding hands, but like here, like they show one face in front of a public, like on Instagram, on social media, like wow, look at us. But in reality, they're miserable, like they are miserable, they don't even sleep on the same bed. It it just did not make any sense to me. So that fear was instilled in me from very early on when I saw all this stuff. And then I've talked to a lot of my friends and others who like their parents got divorced early and how it affected them the rest of their life. And then my teachers, I think I'm gonna blame my teachers for that. They used to code this, oh, 50% of marriages, and then oh, amongst Muslims, 30, 40, now it's like 56%. Like I'm hearing all this, I'm like, it's just it's not helping. I know I need to know that, but can you focus on the other like 20, 30% who are actually making a marriage work? So it was a lot of push and pull. Uh, early years of my life, I was genuinely terrified. I'm like, maybe I don't even want to get married. Like, what if I don't end up being a good husband or a good father? What if I fail her? You know, in terms of uh outward success and whatnot, I didn't have any of that. I'm like, you know, just trying to do some work for my community, make an income, like something simple. I what I didn't have that life, hey, look at me, look, look at my Ferrari, look at my house. I didn't have any of that. So, like, who's gonna marry me? That was my limiting belief back then.

SPEAKER_02 5:03

So, at what age did this kind of become prevalent to you for two parts. The first being researching marriage and educating yourself and pursuing that, and then also the second one is pursuing this book. At what age were you like, oh, this is something that I want to also give back to the community?

Sharif Faizullah 5:17

Oh, the book idea is way later. So I when I went to Canada to learn from Mohammed the Sharif, I was able to team up with two other participants who were there, and we started a project with Shaqyasri Birijas and sister Megan Wyatt. So that's my foundation. So I knew a little bit about marriage. I remember I attended one of Mohammed the Sharif's talk called What's Love Got to Do with Marriage? It was at NYU and I showed up and he was greeting at the door. I'm like, Why did you show up? I just want to know because I would attend any and every marriage lecture there is. I would drive two, three hours away just to go, even though it's a 30-minute talk, I'm like, I want to learn. So that thirst for that knowledge, it was there. So I think that's what drew me to that. But the book ideas is very recent. I told myself, you know what? If I am able to go through the 10th anniversary of our marriage without being a complete mess, I'll think about it. So Alhamdulillah, now it's you know, uh, a couple of days ago, we just celebrated our 14th year anniversary. So it is a it is a big milestone. And I said, yeah, absolutely. And I've been working on this book, on this project for the last four years. And I've had a lot of teachers, they try to sugarcoat stuff, they're like, try to put this facade of, oh, this is what married, everybody should marry. I'm like, really? Everybody should get married? I don't agree with that. I think there's some people they should not get married. Like some people they're just they cannot live peacefully with as a human being. Why are you saying everybody needs to get married? So there are a lot of things that I grew up with, and that doesn't make sense. That's not practical. But inshallah, the heartbreaks that I went through, the heartbreaks that my wife went through, even now to this day. I will tell you if if I have a fight with my wife and I learn something, I'm happy to share. Because I know every master was once a disaster. I was that disaster. I'm still working on mastering this. We don't need to pretend to be someone we're not to answer your question. It came much later, alhamdulillah. So I was deep in it before my own marriage. That framework that I've shared with you, I actually used it myself. I am the first example that it actually works. Alhamdulillah, since then, a lot of people have used this.

SPEAKER_02 7:16

Honestly, I think the steps were probably the most surprising thing to me. Like the claim divorce proof of marriage was so outlandish for me to hear. Because I was like, what do you mean divorce proof? You mean like how is that even remotely possible? And so I was just like, there's no way. But reading through and actually like looking at a systematic way of looking at marriage, life, love is important. And I think that that's something that a lot of people miss. They think that these are just like mythical topics that just magically work out in life, and if they don't work out, that's also like just some sort of magic spell. But like protecting your heart, your mind, learning what you want from life before jumping into a lifelong commitment that people don't recognize because what happens is in culture, it's like okay, you're going through life and they're like, Okay, after you graduate, you have to find someone. I know we told you not to talk to a boy ever, ever, ever, ever, but actually you need to find someone to have kids with. Okay, now I don't know what I want. And I have never thought about it, I've never looked at it, I don't know anything about marriage or life or anything. And I'm like flung into this process. And if I fail, my parents are like, okay, here you go. Who is he? I don't know. So that was like really jarring to hear divorce proof, but then reading through and actually seeing that there's a systematic way of looking at it was comforting in a way because there's actually a way to do this and get it right. And I think that makes the whole process itself a little bit less intense and like scary. So that I appreciate that this is a thing.

SPEAKER_01 8:45

Yeah, like it's it surprised me that it's something that's really overlooked in the whole marriage process and that it really is something that needs to be highlighted more, that you need to work on yourself before you decide to go out there and try and attract someone else because you you what's that saying? You attract what you are. So if you're not whole in and within yourself and healed some of the traumas or things that you've gone through in the past, you're then gonna attract someone who also has those unhealed wounds and those other issues, and then the chances of that being a successful marriage significantly decreased.

Sharif Faizullah 9:18

Yeah, what's the saying? My better half, my other half. Like people refer to their husband and wife like as my other half, my better half. So I don't agree with my better half part. I don't agree with the part of my other half either. Because the way we say it, think about the effect it has. Like, okay, without that person, I'm incomplete. But am I? I'm my own soul, my own body. I am my own individual, I'm a human being. I am 100% and she is 100%. Two fully wholesome, complete individuals are coming together in this commitment.

SPEAKER_02 9:54

My first thought was just like, no freaking way. No way this is a real thing that happened. And I know it does, and that's so heartbreaking that this is a real thing that people do to each other pursue commitments, being non-committal, or pursue other commitments while being committed already. Like it's just heartbreaking. I can't.

SPEAKER_01 10:11

Yeah. I've heard through other people that this is something that actually happens quite a bit, or in another kind of way that um a couple will be together for ages and ages, and then the guy breaks it off because the girl's obviously wants to go get married to the guy, but the guy's not ready, he can't commit, and then a month, two months, a few months after they've broken up, the girl finds out that the guy's gonna marry someone else, and obviously it's the same kind of emotions.

SPEAKER_02 10:37

On my for you page, this whole second love theory where okay, a guy will be with someone, but that's not his true love, he would rather push the second. I'm like, what the heck?

SPEAKER_01 10:48

Yeah, and it's kind of a thing of like, if he wanted to, he would. But yeah, it is like really shocking and also heartbreaking that this is something that can very much happen to anyone. If you're not locked down in a marriage, there isn't really any confirmation that they are going to stay. Obviously, I know that divorce is still a thing, but I think in a marriage you're more likely to work through it and push, even when you feel like not compromising or making things work.

SPEAKER_02 11:12

But yeah, like it is such a shame that this is such a common thing, and it feels so far removed, it never feels like, oh, this is gonna happen to someone I know or this is gonna happen to me. But if you don't actually realistically like think about it, it could happen to anybody, you know what I mean? Yeah, that's it's not as far removed as you think.

SPEAKER_01 11:28

Yeah, I guess as well, like from the girls' perspective, like they never see it coming, so it could literally happen to anyone. Also, I think I was a bit surprised by how fast the wedding happened in this chapter. I think it was like three three days. I actually have a question: how did you manage the planning in three days? Because that's impressive, that's like a world record.

Sharif Faizullah 11:49

So just to be clear, Mariam's brother, you guys know Mariam's brother, right?

SPEAKER_02 11:54

We're looking at him right now.

Sharif Faizullah 11:56

Exactly. So that's the first thing. So I was the guy, the second guy. So here's what happened. When I tell people this, they're like, they are shocked, like, how on earth? That's a dumb thing to do. Why would you do that? So, what they don't know is that my family and her family, so we were in Brooklyn, New York. We grew up literally just two zip codes. So literally, my here's my zip code, here's her zip code. And we attended very similar events, our social network was the same. And then my sisters, my two sisters, knew her and her sisters really, really well. They were very close. They used to attend uh sisters' events together, they have their phone numbers, they would talk there, so they actually knew each other really well. I knew her two brothers, younger brothers, also. So her younger brothers and I, we went to summer camp, we went a lot of travels, we've attended classes together. So her brothers also knew me really well. What's funny is that she knew so much about me throughout the years, and I knew very little about her. I knew she was there, but like until this whole like this discussion came about, she wasn't on my radar. She already did a lot of that, like the background check and the vetting and verifying. All of that process was already done. You know what I'm saying? I know she the later she told me, like she was asking her two younger brothers, the older one, he mashallah, he has a good sensibility, she trusts his judgment. So she actually asked him first, like, yeah, what do you think of this? And then he uh alhamdulillah he vouched for me. And we sat the meeting talking in person, talking to each other. So we did a lot of that via email. And I was CC my sister in all the emails, by the way. Okay, so just I just to make sure you know what I don't want to go into any kind of trap or anything. So that email conversation, um, also we shared our marriage magnet, by the way. So I was the first one to share my marriage magnet, you know the story, and then later she shared hers. So I actually asked her, can you share? And then she prepared something. She used mine as a template, so she prepared something and she shared that with me. And then then the email exchange based on that marriage magnet, and then we met face to face. So, do you understand? Like that meeting face to face was the third stage of fourth stage of getting to know each other. It was in Manhattan, and we talked for hours. I actually forgot how many hours that day was such a blur, subhanAllah. It's just like we talked for hours literally. We were the masjid because we went over time, we got kicked out of the masjid, we went into a Saway restaurant, and then my sister was they were far away, and his brother was there also, but they could see us, they couldn't hear us. We talked and talked and talked, and then afterwards we had a phone conversation like, is there anything else else you want to know about me? Is there anything else that you need to know? Like, it's something holding back, and then that's it. I remember she showed up and she was going through a lot, subhanAllah. Now I know a little bit of the how women's mind works. Oh my god, like she was going through so much. She just came back from work, she went home, she got changed, and she's like, you know what, not gonna wear any makeup, I'm just gonna be by myself. If he really likes me, he's gonna like me just the way I am. And like, and I love that. I'm like, wow, that's it, that's what that's what I want, mashallah. Like, does that answer your question? It's not just three days, it's all those months and years of two sides knowing each other. Alhamdulillah, our parents were on board, and uh because I was two years younger than her, there was some hesitation at first. But Alhamdulillah, I think her parents finally came on board. Like, okay, if you guys think it's not a big deal, it's no big deal.

SPEAKER_02 15:01

What's a marriage magnet? Who writes it? What should I put in it? That type of thing.

Sharif Faizullah 15:06

So marriage magnet has essentially just two things: a little bit about you and a little bit about him. Who you are, what you value, what are your goals in life, what do you like, what do you dislike, things like that. And then what kind of guy do you want? What kind of future husband do you see? What are some of the goals that you want him to have? So, what are some values that you prioritize in him? That's it. So when a guy reads that marriage magnet or listens to that marriage magnet, or a marriage magnet could be in any format, by the way. It could be audio, video, text in the future, it could be chipped into your hand. I don't know, whatever technology might come up, right? But the point is that the guy, she's like, oh my God, I can see myself, I can envision her as my wife. I can envision myself being her husband. It's like a it's like a filter, right? It's like it's like a filtration system, basically. So if you know the kind of person you want, you're not checking the rest of the humankind, rest of male kind against this one guy that you like. Uh-uh. You are checking all the potential guys against the kind of person you want, your deal maker and your deal breakers who will be a long-term life partner for you. So that actually is the solution. You know how when people hire for a job post? They don't just find out, hey, ini, mini, my nemo, oh, you, you look interesting. Come and let me let's let me hire you for this position. I'm like, that would be ludicrous. That would be dumb. But that's what people do for marriage. But if you have a job description, oh, you know what? This is the role that I want to fill. Okay, I've got the role. It's a role of a husband, it's a role of a future father, it's gonna be a role of a life partner and a co-founder. Well, now let's see who matches that role. You see the difference? It's like it that if you can just make that flip, make that switch, wow, welcome.

SPEAKER_02 16:41

No, I like that you mentioned it being like a filtration system because that's exactly it. You're like building a fish tank. You're not gonna put a filter and like everything into a dirty tank. You know what I mean? Then who knows what's passing through. But if you build the tank and the filter and everything is together, and then okay, now you have a healthy fish tank. That's exactly what you want to be. Like all of these steps, I don't think you understand how passionate I am that there's like a logistic and systematic way to look at marriage and love because it's just necessary. Everyone looks at it as like random journey that you just find someone and you hope it works out. And this okay, every single person that you're like trying out holding auditions for, but nobody really tells you, okay, when am I checking off on this list in the first place? You mean I'm taking like whatever I'm seeing on TV or from this random podcast or from my parents, like, oh, you need to find someone that's has a type A B blood type. What are we talking about? Like if I was supposed to be like, oh, their family needs to be like this and this. Okay, but what do I actually want? What am I looking for? That's not gonna help me in the future. He's not gonna be a good father just because he has a different blood type. What are we talking about? So I'm like looking at this actually and knowing that there's a way to okay, you need to prepare yourself, your mind. What do I want from life? What do I want from marriage? And then pursuing all these things, knowing that okay, I'm a fully formed person with fully formed ideals and I'm ready. That I think is like the number one mistake, period, is not being ready and going in anyway. And then not only are you blind, but you're blind, unprepared, and just like low-key unwilling. You know what I mean? Like sometimes marriage is just like a forced concept because guys were 20 and everybody's like, you're gonna expire. Okay, that's not real. I'm not gonna expire.

Sharif Faizullah 18:21

I'm so glad you mentioned that. So that expiration, that idea, years ago, like decades ago, grandmothers and grandmothers used to live shorter life. So now they're like, Well, if you are like 18, 20, oh, it's time to get married. Some places they get married even earlier than that. That's back then, you can't really use that as a template to force someone in the US or UK, like Canada, Australia, like, and then say, hey, you're 18. Well, I mean, tomorrow, if you get pregnant, you'll give birth. That's why I need to get married. Like, that makes no sense. Like just the fact that I'm able to get pregnant, do two things do not match. Okay. Yes, biologically I'm ready. Excellent. Okay, I can put a check on that. But am I ready other ways? Am I ready mentally? Am I ready emotionally? Am I ready in terms of the kind of person I want?

SPEAKER_01 19:05

Also, um, this is a little bit pedantic, but I just wanted to caveat a point that Amor made about blood type. Um, obviously, going from a biology background, there is, I think if it's if the father's recess positive and the mother's recess negative, then you might be a bit concerned in terms of having children. But if it's anything else, then I think you should be fine. But I just wanted to point that out.

SPEAKER_02 19:31

A part of the biodata, I've seen so many extensive ones where it's literally like, okay, you have to give them your whole family tree, everybody's blood type, more blood type. But there's nothing actually about okay, what do you want or like who you are? It's like you're like by your gene sequencing, okay. I'm gonna give that to you. What are you gonna do with that? Why am I telling you that? It's like this isn't everything internal actual biology of having children. Yes, it's important, but I feel like that's after that's not part of the marriage magnificent. I mean, that's like a problem for us. Okay, now we know we like each other. Can we have kids? Do we want like that kind of thing? But just ridiculous information that we don't need. I feel like this was just like a debrief on each of the steps of the roadmap that like flare out at us, but honestly, that's it. Just making sure that you're prepared, I think, is so important. We forget because we're so young, and everybody is assuming that you have to be like as a girl specifically, okay, men can get married until they're like 65, nobody cares. But whether they're like, No, you have to have kids by the time you're 26, you have to be married at 19, it's all these obscure expectations. And it's like you have to think about okay, when do I want to have kids? At what point am I ready to pursue that? At what point am I mentally ready to be a mother, to pursue motherhood, to also be a wife, to pursue marriage. So if you don't know those things at 21, okay, then that's your time to start sorting them out. Not let me jump into this marriage and then sort all that out after. What if you don't agree on any of it?

Sharif Faizullah 21:01

Yeah, and you don't have to know all the answers, by the way. Ask the question and be don't be afraid to ask the question. You don't need to know all the answers. It's okay. Some things you figure out along the way. Like let's say you have a flashlight and it's a dark, like a really dark street, and you're walking, you're not gonna see so much far. Like you're gonna see right in front of you, maybe a couple of steps ahead of you. And as you take one step, you see the next couple of steps, and then another step, you see the next couple of steps. When we're able to ask the tough question, let's say you're afraid of something, you're like, what is the worst that's gonna happen? Oh my god, if I get married, I'm gonna end up divorced. Ta-da. That's the whole point, like divorce, profit, future marriage, right? We're literally addressing that. Okay, what else? Wait, what if I get married with someone and I don't love him? I don't find him attractive. I'm like, well, think about that now. There are ways, specific ways you can build that. So, what is your fear? What is the thing that keeps you up at night when it comes to love and marriage? Ask that question. If you are courageous enough to ask, inshallah, as you go listen to these episodes, as you read the book and hopefully go through marriage MBA, this whole process, a lot of these answers will kick clicking.

SPEAKER_02 22:04

Well, duh, isn't that what I did? No, I didn't. I did not like them before I connected with them. Doesn't eat dish on a Wednesday. Are you sure you should really be putting uh on the oh it's fine, I can fix him.

SPEAKER_01 22:17

Wait, I would leave. Marry that person for who they are right now rather than who they're saying they will be in one year, five years, ten years.

Sharif Faizullah 22:25

You trust and you verify.

SPEAKER_02 22:27

It's so taboo to be so forward about marriage.

Sharif Faizullah 22:30

Allah built us with that. Be proud of that. You are meant to love someone and to be loved as well.