Sharif Faizullah 0:00

I got married three days after meeting my wife for the first time.

Sana 0:04

Would you say this is an ideal timeline for everyone? Why did a man write this book? What evidence is this book based on?

Sharif Faizullah 0:11

Why is a man teaching me about love and marriage?

Sana 0:15

Do you think it's possible to do all the checks within three days and get married at the end of it for someone you've never met before?

Sharif Faizullah 0:22

Whether you get married next year or 10 years from now, I can help you avoid as many love mistakes as possible, inshallah. Ready? Rank up at marriage. Many years ago, I was scared that no one would marry me and that I would die alone, old and miserable. I was actually afraid that even if I did get married, I would mess it all up and end up divorced. Deep down, I was terrified. What if I get married and I stay married, but I'm unhappy in my marriage? Oh my. These fears led me on a journey. That's when I flew to Canada to learn from Muhammad the Sharif. Soon after I got to work alongside my teachers, Yasid Birjas and Megan Wyatt, to design a program for single Muslims in the US and Canada. That's when I developed an eight-step marriage roadmap. Because as a single man, I needed to make sense of this confusing jungle of love and marriage. I used the same roadmap to find my wife, the queen of my heart and the love of my life. And I've been teaching this for over 15 years now. When I turned 40, three years ago, this worry kept me up at night. I've taught so many people this roadmap, but if I die now, who will guide my own daughters? That's why I wrote this book. That's why you are listening to this for my daughters and for you. So you can avoid falling in love with a handsome man who might be a bad husband and a bad father in the future. Now the question is, why did a man write this book? Why is a man teaching me about love and marriage? Here's something great about a man doing this. Because I know how men think because I am a man, the I see the good, the bad, and the ugly of being a man. Whether you get married next year or 10 years from now, I will tell you straight up if a man is worth your consideration for a lifelong commitment or not. I'm not gonna sugarcoat it. I am going to share my flaws and my weaknesses, how I was a clueless husband for many years. The struggle, the learning, the journey that I have been, I will share with you all of it, inshallah. First thing first, get a pen, take something to take note on, make sure your environment is distraction-free so that you will get the most out of it. Bidnillah. Here's a story of how I got married three days after meeting my wife for the first time. A guy called and he said, I'm getting married to someone else today. He said it over the phone. Aisha said, You're getting married today? Her voice trembled. How could you do this to me? A year later, she had yet to get over the heartbreak that phone call caused her. He didn't even have the decency to end things with me first. That's what Aisha said. Her friend Mariam said, What a coward. Seriously, who does that? Mariam felt very angry for her friend. Aisha vowed that she would never go through that pain again. She sore off marriage until her friend Mariam shared her brother's marriage magnet with Aisha. Although she had heard a lot about him, Aisha quickly said no. Her heart just wasn't ready yet. What is a marriage magnet? Just a quick note. A marriage magnet is something that tells a potential guy, A, who you are, and B, what you are looking for in a future husband. Alright, back to the story. So that Ramadan, Aisha found herself sincerely making dua to Allah to heal her heart. When Mariam sent the marriage magnet again, this time through Aisha's older sister, she reluctantly agreed to give the guy a chance. She cautiously exchanged some emails with Mariam's brother to see if they were compatible. Her heart started to slowly open to the possibility of love again. But to protect herself, she CC'd, that's carbon copying emails, she CC'd Mariam in all of her emails. Meeting the guy was an eye-opener. Aisha felt comfortable talking to him. Now, with a sense of shared values and goals, they talked for hours. While Mariam sat nearby as their chaperone, close enough to see them but not hear their conversation. And three days later, Mariam's brother and Aisha became husband and wife. Aisha found a safe haven for her heart. Her husband held space for her past and her heartaches with nothing but understanding. This guy knew that the best way to help her heal was to hold her clothes as he listened to her stories. I was that guy. My name is Sharif. I help Muslim singles divorce-proof their future marriage at age 20, long before they get married, with the eight-step marriage roadmap. After getting married, when I told my wife about the love mistakes that you're gonna learn, she said, Where were you all those years ago when I needed to know this? Right away, I built a solar-powered time machine and it traveled back to the year when she was 20 and handed her this book. In my mind, of course, I wish I could do that for real. Even though I cannot go back in time and change things for my wife, I can do the next best thing. I can help you avoid as many love mistakes as possible, inshallah.

Sana 5:33

In the book, you mentioned that you married your wife three days after meeting her. Would you say this is an ideal timeline for everyone?

Sharif Faizullah 5:39

Not at all, actually. So there's more to the story than that. We met in person, face to face, had a mini-hour-long conversation, and then three days later we got married. But there's been three months plus three years of our families knowing each other. She knew me so well. She used to work in the administration building of City College of New York, and I was a student. So she had access to my records, my GPA, all my subjects, exactly how I was doing, all of it. And then my sisters knew her and her sisters. We lived close, like two zip codes in Brooklyn, New York, next to each other. So a lot of the community events would be together. I knew her brothers. Her two brothers and I, we went to a summer camp together. So they knew me really well. So there's been a lot of these social background checks that have been done from both sides. But the thing is, I didn't know her as much. I knew of her. I remember one time in city college, I was in fifth floor in an English class and she passed by the hallway. And as she passed, I saw her, but didn't realize that time she was just like anybody else. But then later, after marriage, I said, Do you remember all those years ago? You know, one day, fifth floor, I was in this English class. Was that you? She's like, Yeah, that was me. I saw you also. And then I think after Aid one time, I saw her from far. So it wasn't like two strangers met for the first time, didn't know anything about each other, and then three days later they got married. That wasn't the case. But it is the case that we sat down for the first time face to face and actually talked to each other. And then three days later we got married. That actually did happen. Do I recommend that for everyone? No. Because we shared our marriage magnet, our families knew each other. Actually, we went back and forth in email communication. We asked a lot of these questions you'd usually ask. So we had a lot of our answers already. And it was just a matter of, do we like each other? Are we comfortable with each other, with each other's lives, goals, and whatnot? That's it. And then there was an external circumstance where my parents were going for Hajj. And oh my God, we're going for Hajj. What if we die? Okay, fine. You know what? We like each other. It's okay, it's not a big deal. So if my parents were not going for Hajj, would three days happen? Maybe not. Maybe it would have been three weeks, three months, who knows? But Alhamdulillah, 15 years later, looking back, it was Allah's plan. And Alhamdulillah, we found the right person. And did we have the skills? No, we did not. I did not have all the skills. She did not have all the skills. A lot of it we learned after marriage. One of our goals is to help you learn some of those skills that you need before marriage, inshallah. So find the right person, but remember, you still gotta have the skills.

Sana 8:10

Do you think it's possible to ask all the questions and do all the checks within three days and get married at the end of it to someone you've never met before?

Sharif Faizullah 8:19

Theoretically, yes. Practically, logistically, might take a little bit longer than that. Let's play out this theoretical scenario, okay? So you meet each other, really like each other, great. You're like, we got everything ready. Okay, let's share my marriage magnet. Let's say at Fajr time, this is day one. At Fajr time, you share your marriage magnet. Both of you exchange. And then 8 a.m., you have your first breakfast. You're like, hey, let's talk about these two topics. At 10:30, you go to the doctor's and you'll take a full panel lab, the blood test, and you'll have the result tomorrow. After the hour, 2 p.m., you meet again for another 90 minutes, two hours, you talk about two more topics. And in between, after you talked, you go and you open up that Google Doc and you actually write up all the basic understanding, basic things that you guys agreed on, and you shared with each other. And then maybe afterwards you do the same thing, update the Google Doc in the evening, 6 p.m. If your third meeting, you talk about the next two topics. The next day in the morning, you wake up, maybe the blood result came in and you realize everything's good. No STI, no serious health issues, all of that. Okay, great. And then what you do is you share your financial records, a deep financial background check, credit history, criminal background check, all of that. Okay, that's happening on day two. Then I talk to my friends and everyone. I was talking to my marriage team. So today you meet at 2 p.m. for your fourth marriage conversation. In the evening, 5, 6 p.m., your families meet each other. And in the meantime, remember health check happened, blood test, background check is happening here. By day three, if there's any confusion, any follow-up, you clarify all of that. Maybe you call out somebody's friends and colleagues. So you do all of that background check. By day three, can you make an informed decision after having a good night's sleep? So you still follow those decision-making steps. You don't take any shortcut. But the thing is, what people take three months to do or three years to do, sometimes longer, you just have done that in three days. So theoretically, is it possible? Yes. Technically and logistically, are people equipped to do this? No. People don't know it. And in between each step, they deliberate, they take their sweet time and they talk because they don't know what to ask. They don't know what to look for. They don't know their deal makers and deal breakers properly. They don't know the red flags. It would be so amazing. If somebody's doing this for real, please reach out to us. I would love to know more, inshallah. Three days is a little bit extreme. I'm just making a point here. Can you do it in three weeks? Absolutely. With confidence, without skipping a beat, without skipping anything important. You could easily do that. To take three months and three years or longer just to find out if it's the right guy, just because people don't know what to look for and what to ask.

Sana 10:49

What made you and your wife realize that you were meant for each other?

Sharif Faizullah 10:53

I asked myself afterwards, do I feel comfortable with her? And I went through a lot of these questions that I teach in Is He the One checklist in terms of future. Can I envision her as the mother of our future children? I can have an intellectual deep conversation with her and discuss things. And funnily enough, she knew a little bit about me. Something else happened. Before marriage, in the first masjid where I gave the first khutbah, my topic was how to be the coolest husband. Coming from a guy who's not been married, never been in a relationship. I got it from other experts based on Islamic. Guess who was on the second floor of the masjid and heard my khutbah? My wife. I did not know that. Actually, she told me that after we got married. Like, you know, do you remember that khutbah that you gave one day? I was there on the second floor. That was a surprise for me. So a lot happened in the background. Allah prepares us for the right person. So our job is just stay away from the wrong person. Just stay away from Mr. Toxic and Mr. Wrong and Mr. Player and Mr. Time Western. And Allah will put you across Mr. Potential and Mr. Maybe. And then if you have the skills, you'll be able to know if he's your guy or not.

Sana 11:54

In the book, you often talk about how when you first got married, you were a clueless husband. From your wife's perspective, how do you think she knew that there was the potential in you to become a clued up husband and that you wouldn't be clueless forever? And what did you do to make that change?

Sharif Faizullah 12:11

So she saw a lot of bad examples from men growing up in terms of verbal abuse, emotional abuse, a lot of the stuff that people grow up with. So I think she was looking for someone who had the capacity to be a loving person. I think she knew my sisters really well. I think she asked those questions. And my sisters, they know me really well. They know how I treat them, how I treat my mom. And alhamdulillah, over the years, I have grown up with that. I've seen that as an example. So I was able to show that perhaps. That was the main thing. But as far as the day-to-day logistically clueless thing, she didn't know that I was that clueless. I remember the first time she showed me how to clean a toilet bowl. Trust me, 27-year-old, I have never in my entire life cleaned a toilet bowl. Now you might be like, but how? I just didn't because I never had to. Someone else did it. And no one showed me how. I remember that day so vividly. My wife actually showed me, okay, this is what you do. And then you need to scrub the corner and making sure that all of that dirty stuff is gone. And then the the toilets that you sit on, you flip it, and on the back, you see all these dirty stuff. So you clean. She literally gave me a tutorial, and alhamdulillah, and now I know what to do. And a couple of times later, I did it on my own. I'm just giving that as one example. But there's so many other areas of life where I felt clueless. But those are learnable things because that empathy to be able to love, to be able to be compassionate, I think that's something you want to look for more than these type of learnable skills. So, how can I get this book? Go to lovemistakes.com and you will know exactly how to get a hold of the actual physical printed book.

Sana 13:41

How can I learn the eight steps?

Sharif Faizullah 13:43

As you keep going, I will be referring to these eight steps that you see here. We will be covering the eight steps very soon. It's coming up.

Sana 13:49

What evidence is this book based on?

Sharif Faizullah 13:52

This book is based on 40 plus years of research that Dr. John Gottman and many other experts did. And it is based on Islamic principles and it is based on real life, not just my life, like a lived experiences of hundreds and thousands of people, especially Muslims. And it is also based on the culture that we live in. A lot of it is based on the US and Canada, UK and Australia, Western part of the world. A lot of it still applies to the eastern part Muslim countries as well. So it is based on research, it is based on Islam, and it is based on real life. When you sit down to talk to the guy, you just aren't feeling the vibe. There's no instant chemistry. You ask this one question.

Sana 14:33

How can someone know if he doesn't have her deal breakers, if I'm not allowed to talk to men? How will you get married? What if he takes all the boxes, but I'm just not attracted to him?

Sharif Faizullah 14:42

This is the number one love mistake that most women make.