SPEAKER_03 0:00

If you're going to read one chapter of this entire book, it's this chapter. He loves me so much, he's gonna change for me. Listen to the red flags. Do not believe him. You trust and you verify. Check their Instagram following. We all know why he's following her. Take the hint.

SPEAKER_02 0:14

You're a tyrant with a grant in your hand. What are you doing?

SPEAKER_03 0:16

He's a pro at this by now. What are you letting yourself in for? Their husbands have these addictions. That's most likely then gonna turn into physical abuse.

SPEAKER_02 0:24

It's so, so, so heartbreaking.

SPEAKER_03 0:26

You saying, oh, everyone does that. But also remember that the majority of people end up in divorce.

SPEAKER_02 0:29

I'm not your mom, I'm a wife. Why am I telling you what to do?

SPEAKER_03 0:32

The goal here is a successful marriage, not just a marriage.

SPEAKER_00 0:36

Rank up that marriage that MBA divorce proof your future marriage today.

SPEAKER_03 0:43

True love skill number two, I just want to highlight, which is which red flags am I likely to overlook because I like him? And I think most girls have been in this situation that they like a guy, they see him, they think, oh, he does XYZ, but it's fine because it's not that big of a deal. I like him, he's really good with this, that, and that. Listen to the red flags, don't ignore them. If you then address that with him, that okay, you do this, for example, let's say smoking, I don't like it that you do this, and his response to that is, oh, when we get married, I'm going to change, which I think is a very typical response. Do not believe him. If he's not doing anything right now with his own free will to get rid of that habit, what realistically is gonna make him change once you're married? This might be a bit of a controversial point, but I think before you guys are married, the power balance is more in your hands in the sense that because he likes you, because he wants to impress you, he will be doing the most. You ask him hundred rows bouquet, he's gonna get that for you. Because he wants to win you, you are the prize. Whereas I think once you're married, obviously you're still the prize, don't let anyone tell you that you're not, but because he already knows he's got you, in some men, they may start to slack and be less inclined to change. So, my words of wisdom would be trust a man's actions and not his words when it comes to red flags. If he is saying he's going to change and he doesn't, and he's not showing you that he is, run.

unknown 2:09

Run.

SPEAKER_03 2:09

Yeah, close that door. See you later, alligator.

SPEAKER_02 2:13

Who he is at the beginning is who he is at the end. People change, but how much people change, and will that person change? It's all in their hands. You can't be like, oh well, he loves you so much, he's gonna change for me. He shouldn't want to change for you, he should want to change for him. He should already be wanting to better himself, be a better person. And if he doesn't see that, then do you want to be coaching him the whole time? Like, that's also exhausting. You don't want to be the one that's always telling your husband, like, hey, no, this is right from wrong, this is right from wrong. Why? I'm not your mom, I'm your wife. You should be my protector. Why am I telling you what to do? No.

SPEAKER_03 2:46

I'd want to hear your guys' opinion on something that I have mixed feelings about. A guy falls in love with you not because of what you do for him, but because you inspire him to be a better person. And that's why sometimes women who say that I did the cooking for him, I did the cleaning for him, I did all of this, and he still treated me badly, will end up in that situation. Whereas, you know, like the typical boss girl or like the strong kind of feminine girl will end up in a better relationship because her standards are so high that he feels like he has to make sure that he's keeping up with it, if that makes sense.

SPEAKER_02 3:22

Excuse my vocal language, but if you as a girl have the balls to stand up for what you want and be like, no, actually, I don't like that you do X, Y, and Z and you have a proper filtration process and you're comfortable enough to be like, talk to the hand, fix yourself, then I think men will respect you more because it makes them kind of be like, Oh, I can't get away with that. What do you mean? I don't know. I don't want to be like, oh well, if you just make you're just a pushover and you're never gonna be happy in your marriage. No. But like, I think people respect people who are able to put up boundaries more than they do people who don't put up boundaries. So I think if you can set up for yourself that people will respect you more, and that probably will bode well for you in the future, inshallah. Not to say that if you don't, it won't, but that's my thoughts on that.

SPEAKER_03 4:07

Yeah, I guess that's what this exercise is that it is just putting your boundaries in place. That you're just saying that I'm not gonna tolerate X, Y, and Z. And if that's who you are, cool, I'm moving on next. As simple as that.

SPEAKER_02 4:19

When I first read this chapter and I was reading through the red flags, the first little things I was typing at Google Doc were like, well, everyone does that. But just because everyone's doing it doesn't mean that it's the right thing to do. And that's really what I gathered at the end that like it's okay to not want that for yourself. You don't have to just go with the flow of society because if you don't want that, then you don't want it. And inshallah, you will find someone who's not gonna do that thing.

SPEAKER_03 4:41

And I think a lot of people kind of have a list in their head of like their red flags, because I've seen a lot of girls have their ick lists, but I think sometimes those kind of lists can be a bit pedantic and a bit more just to be funny and ha ha ha. I don't like guys who wear blue socks, like ha ha ha. But no, this is what you need to actually add to the top of your list. Delete everything else. I mean, not everything else, okay. Delete all the silly things, but keep this. This is what you need.

SPEAKER_02 5:07

The whole hopeless romantic thing is like, oh, you're just too picky. Wrong. I know what I want, and that's what I need for my future. The ick list, like, oh, he can't wear blue, or he can't like the season fall, or if he eats pizza weird, then I don't like him. That stuff's stupid. But cursing, smoking, partying. Yeah, look at who your man is friends with, look at what he does in his free time, look at his hobbies, look at his habits. Why shouldn't you be picky about that? That's what you're picking for life. So if you don't like it now, you're not gonna like it in 30 years.

SPEAKER_03 5:38

He's gonna model that behavior for your children. Do you really want that going into your kids?

SPEAKER_02 5:42

Exactly.

SPEAKER_03 5:42

And as well, you were saying that some people will say that, like, oh, everyone does this, but also you've got to remember 54% of marriages end in divorce. So if the majority of people have these red flag traits, you also have to consider that the majority of people above 50% are ending in divorce as well. So you saying, Oh, everyone does that, that's not really a good enough reason for you.

Sharif Faizullah 6:01

Let's dig into each one. I think it'll be helpful to see it. Let's discuss each one in detail.

SPEAKER_03 6:05

So, foul language, what do you think of that one?

SPEAKER_02 6:07

Okay, this one is like super, super, super normalized, especially younger generation. But personally, I do find it icky when every sentence has foul language in it. Why do you need to say that all the time? So, I do think it's a spectrum. There are extremes to that. Even if you're saying like crap, fudge, whatever, in every other sentence, that's also weird. So I don't think it's like even if you're censoring yourself, why do you need to censor yourself that often? It's odd to me.

SPEAKER_03 6:35

I I agree with you that it's a spectrum, but my issue is kind of like there's thousands and thousands of words. Why can you not articulate yourself a little bit better than that? I think that's me being a little bit picky and a bit of a snob, potentially.

SPEAKER_02 6:49

But like you said, you can't be too picky. If that's what you want, that's what you want.

SPEAKER_03 6:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 6:53

The other side to this though that we forgot about is backbiting, gossiping, and gaslighting. There's more to foul language, it's not just cursing. If your man particular backbiting, gossiping, gaslighting, run out the door. I think everybody needs to be aware of that.

SPEAKER_03 7:09

Your marriage is never gonna be 100% smooth sailing 100% of the time. And so if he can go and do that about other people, especially people who he's close to, maybe his parents, his close friends, whatever, he is going to do that to you. And obviously it's gonna hurt, and obviously that can cause even more problems because if he's going out spilling what's happened between you between the four walls of your house, to let's say his mum or his dad, that's gonna create an even bigger issue because when you and him have sorted out your issue, his mum and dad might be like, Okay, we need to now sit down and have a conversation about we've been told you've done this and this and this, and that's a more difficult problem to deal with. If he's doing that, wave it in front of your face, that's the biggest red flag.

Sharif Faizullah 7:49

Yes, I know we're talking about Mr. Red Flag, but maybe let's put a mirror in front of you and say, Well, how am I doing when it comes to four things? So foul language, the S word and the F-word and stuff like that, bagbiting, slandering, gossiping, and gaslighting. It's more about us. Also, to create the boundary, somebody, let's say in my I'm walking around with my kids and somebody's walking on the phone, they're like, you know, so mad and they're using the F-word, I'm like, Shh, my my kids are here, watch your tongue, watch your mouth. So if you are leading your friend group and there's someone of them and just starting, you know, the F-bomb and just going off like dude, just watch your tongue. Can you say some other words? We don't do that. You just if you create that identity, so that's the skill to develop right now. It's not about the guy in the future. Yeah, inshallah, like you want to choose someone who doesn't f-bomb all the time. But do you have this skill? Do you restrain your tongue? Do you use words that are better substitute? We have gone into some nuances, so let's dive into the second one then.

SPEAKER_02 8:46

Short temper and anger issues. Being angry is not a red flag, but having a shorter temper and having anger issues, I do think that they're objectively bad. Just because I think it points to your emotional maturity and intelligence. If you have a short temper and you haven't worked on that, that is a red flag. That's a bad habit. You should be willing and wanting to fix that. And I'm saying that as a person who is angry. I do have a short temper and anger issues, and I know that about myself, and I work on that every day. So if it's something that they completely ignore and it's something that they've made kind of a pinnacle of their persona, and that's something that like everybody knows about you. Like, don't do that. Like, he's really angry, he'll punch you if you say that, or it's like they'll warn you about other people. Why is nobody questioning that? You should be looking in the mirror and be like, I don't want to be this way, and I don't want to do that. Because all of these things, I just feel like they lead into other things, like emotional abuse, mental abuse, physical abuse. There's just so many nuances to anger. If they don't want to work on it, and it's just something they make a part of their personality, I think it's a red flag, objectively, across the board.

SPEAKER_03 9:46

If a person has this, can they change? Especially if it's a man, I think I wouldn't just take for face value someone saying, like, oh, I'm working on myself, I'm reading this book, I'm watching this pod, you know, like things that they're doing themselves. I wouldn't really take that on board. I would be expecting them to see like a therapist or a specialist because I think, especially as a man, they have more physical power, and this can very much lead to bigger issues if you were to marry him. So I think it would need to be with a specialist. Abuse always starts with the first time, it's never just something that all of a sudden it happens and you're on your it's the tenth time he shouted or the tenth time he's like hit you. It always starts with the first time, and if you're not gonna put your foot down, he's gonna think, oh, it's okay, it's fine. And it's 100% never fine if he doesn't respect you in that way, he will never respect you in that way. I think you have to break down the motivation for abuse from the abuser's side. Obviously, I'm using like very harsh terms, but that's just to make it bit easier for me to get my point across. But generally, the intention behind verbal abuse is to break down the other person to hurt them, and after a long time of verbal abuse, the victim will get desensitized to it. You can say, Oh, you look ugly and fat, and the victim would just be like, Okay, this is the 20th time I've heard that today, it doesn't really affect me. And then when the abuser not seeing that you're hurt by it or seeing that it's doing anything, I'd say that's most likely then gonna turn into physical abuse when they know that it's going to then have an impact. So I think if someone is very verbally abusive, you're at the beginning of the pathway to physical abuse, and that red flag should be screaming at you to get out.

SPEAKER_02 11:31

Yeah, I think all of these red flags are kind of a slippery slope, they all kind of have a scale. So with foul language, there's a spectrum, with anger, there's a spectrum. So, like I said, being angry in general as an emotion is not wrong. But when you consistently want to take out your anger and you're expressing it wrong, and it becomes an anger issue or a short temper, like temper tantrum, like you're expressing that, then I think it becomes a problem. And it's a very slippery slope from there. Like you said, like it might start out verbal and they want that shock factor, they want to exert their power, and if that power is taken away, they're gonna seek it out. You mentioned something about like if he doesn't respect me enough. I think that's a big thing, too. You want to look at kind of why are you so angry? I think it's a deeper issue. Nobody's born like that. A baby's not gonna come out wanting to be angry, it's tied to childhood experiences, traumatic experiences, things that you've gone through, and you need to be emotionally equipped to deal with that in a way that's not anger. So that's why I think it's objective because that manifests everywhere, and especially in a relationship, it's gonna manifest in things, it's gonna cause later problems.

SPEAKER_03 12:39

At the beginning of this chapter, there is a sentence saying that one in three women in the US suffer from intimate partner violence, and if you were to ask them, they would tell you, I wish I noticed all his red flags when I was getting to know him, and that's because they're at the bottom of that slippery slope, they've seen the trajectory that their relationship has taken and gone, if I had noticed that, my path would have been different to where I am now. And I think another point that you made about how anger is generally rooted in childhood issues, that's why for me personally, I would be expecting them to be going to therapy or seeing that kind of change because if you've got anger issues, it's not something that you can change just like that. You need the help of someone else because those issues are most likely bigger than you and issues that you can't see. If it is childhood issues or things along those lines, you have to think very carefully about what the reason is behind that anger and think, is this maybe something that might be passed down to my children? So if it's a parent with an addiction, for example, and that parent still has whatever addiction that is, if that is something that hasn't been sorted out, or that space hasn't been created, or there hasn't been a change in the environment, how do you know that your kids won't end up with the same anger issues as their dad, your husband?

SPEAKER_02 13:59

Yeah, if this is subjective for you, if you want to take his anger, his issues to love him regardless, fine. But you have to think about it is am I okay with this anger being exerted on my children? Is this the example I want to be set? And it's not isolated to within closed doors. What if he takes out that anger on your siblings, nieces and nephews, your parents, the image that you put out as an angry person, because when are they exploding? You know what I mean? Like when are they displaying that anger? That's a toss-up. You don't know. So, like, we're looking at it in the lens of, oh, this is just me. I if I can handle it, okay, great. There's other people involved. You have to think about it as who all is this affecting? You need to get to the root of the problem.

SPEAKER_03 14:40

And in this chat, though, I really like the checklist because I think it really makes you think, because obviously everyone's gonna go, oh, he doesn't have a short temper, he's fine. But when you actually think about okay, what does a short temper look like in actual behaviours? And you and it's a clear yes or no, it's not a hmm, sometimes he does, but you know, most of the time he's fine. Yeah, he only does this when we're here or when no one's around, or he only does it when we're in front of his friends or something. Yeah. And the one that stood out to me is the question of do you feel like you're constantly being put down about how you think, dress, talk, and act? That can come under two categories. Obviously, if you're dressing inappropriately, talking inappropriately, acting inappropriately in a certain environment, and he has an issue with that, it really comes down to how he then communicates that. If he pulls you aside, let's say, and just says, Look, you're doing this, I don't think that's appropriate. My parents are here, we're in a big group of people, I don't think it's appropriate that you do this. And it's a conversation between the two of you, it's respectful. He's saying that it makes me feel X, Y, O, Z, I don't like that you're saying this. It's said in a way that you're not trying to hurt the other person. I think that is valid. But if it's a thing of, you know, you put on a dress and he's going, Oh my god, you look so fat, are you actually going to wear that? Oh my gosh, no, like you can't say that, and it's in front of other people, or it's to intentionally make you feel bad. There's no benefit that's gonna come out of it. I think that's when it's wrong, and that's when you need to take that yes box.

SPEAKER_02 16:13

It's all about expression. And then my second thing is on that checklist, it's a yes or no. If he's done it, he's done it, and if he hasn't, he hasn't. So if he's done those things, he's made you feel a type of way. That needs to be a conversation. I don't think that any of these things are like up for debate, like, oh, it's fine, because then the second you've made that acceptance, you've set the precedent, you've made it okay. I think the second you feel uncomfortable, that's like the downfall of relationships. You need to tell the other person they're not a mind reader, nothing is going to get better if it's not out there. You need to tell your partner if something is going wrong, and you need to work on solving that.

SPEAKER_03 16:52

After reading this chapter, I kind of felt that the pool of available men to marry astronomically just shrunk because I'm sure everyone has a kind of experience that a lot of the guys that you know fall under one of these red flags. And when I had that feeling, I kind of felt deflated in a sense, and I just had to remind myself that the goal here wasn't to just get married, it's to create a successful marriage that's filled with love and respect, and that is a reason for the both of us to enter Jannah together. If you're reading this book and you somewhat feel that kind of deflation, especially during this chapter, when you're thinking that maybe you've got a guy in mind and you're thinking, okay, let's say four out of six of these red flags, he falls under, and I'm not sure if I want to give him up because I logically know I should, but emotionally I'm so attached to him, um, which obviously falls under the whole connection before selection issue. But putting that aside, I think you need to remember that the goal here is a successful marriage, not just a marriage.

SPEAKER_02 17:49

I agree. That's my first initial reaction too. Because, like I said, a lot of these things are super, super normalized. Like the guy that you're talking to is probably gonna fall under one of these things. Now, again, all of these are subjective or rejected, so maybe he's not like 10 out of 10 on the anger scale. But regardless, it makes you question. And so that deflation, I totally understand it. But my thing about that, this is where I'm a hopeful romantic is how many guys do you really know? What is your scope? So I feel like the pool that we're looking at, there's like 30 other pools behind you. There's an ocean behind you. You're looking at one portion. So I think that deflation just means that okay, you're more prepared, you have a more realistic expectation and outlook, and now you can turn around and go find the one that isn't one of these red flags. Red flag number three physical or emotional intimacy before marriage.

SPEAKER_03 18:37

That statistic, 50% of Muslim students engage in premarital sex. That was a very shocking statistic. Genuinely, I was like, no way. Obviously, we all know that it happens, but I think we kind of assume that it'd be a lot less prevalent.

SPEAKER_02 18:54

That's like one out of every two people. Maybe you put a bunch of people in a room, have those people. I couldn't grasp it. I was trying to put it into different like statistics. I was like, nope, I don't get it. I just can't. That's crazy.

SPEAKER_03 19:04

So I think it is so important to have this as a red flag and to highlight how big of an issue this is in our society. And I guess the more you think of it, you can kind of see why that's the case.

SPEAKER_02 19:16

Education is so important because I think the reason it's so high is because we send all these Muslim kids out into the world with no way of being equipped for interaction with the opposite gender, and we just like assume they're gonna do the right thing. You always want to assume the best in people, but if you don't educate them, they're not gonna know right from wrong. So you can't blame them necessarily.

SPEAKER_03 19:36

Yeah, if you're not gonna educate them and explicitly tell them right from wrong and explain why and explain what your alternatives are. For example, in a situation where a guy comes up to you and asks to take you on a date, if you're not taught exactly how to navigate that situation, especially when Muslim students are so young, you are then just gonna end up either following your own desires or following what the media and general Western culture says is appropriate, which nine times out of ten doesn't align with Islamic values, and so then you're gonna end up in this predicament where it begins to become more normalized for the Muslim youth to do these kind of things.

SPEAKER_02 20:14

Physical explosive meaning sex before marriage, but there's more like after that. It says if he asks you to send explicit photos, or if he makes weird jokes, or if he asks you random questions, that I do think is a red flag. 100%. I think that's objective. That's weird across the board. Like, why are you doing that? Especially guys who just like start conversations like that or have just started talking to you because that's intimate stuff that you're asking about. And it's weird that you don't have a boundary with women or the respect for women to be like not talking about vulgar things or pushing on a weird subject, it runs me the wrong way. I'm like, no, no, no.

SPEAKER_03 20:48

Although if a guy does ask you for this or your conversation is kind of going towards that way, as a girl, you might think that oh, I feel special, he's only doing this to me. It's because he really likes me. But if he really wanted you and he did really like you for who you were, he would treat you with respect and cherish you and value you as more than just a body. I think you have to understand that men's brains do work differently most of the time. I'm not gonna generalize, most of the time outside of marriage, they're not asking for it because they're wanting to build on the relationship or build something amazing with you. It's because they just want short-term gratification and they're trying to see if you're gonna be that path for them.

SPEAKER_02 21:29

This type of stuff, I feel like it's a deeper thing. If he's comfortable enough randomly to ask you these questions or make those jokes, it's kind of a lens into his character. Like, okay, what are your priorities? What are your habits? You get a little preview because why'd you say that? Why'd you do that? And then there's something right before that that these are paired with. It's awkward, but porn masturbation and orgasm addiction. I think those also objectively red flags. And I've seen more and more examples of that recently because I'm seeing a lot of. People around me who are younger getting married and they don't ask these questions, they don't know because they're like taboo and red flags, and they don't think they can ask these questions, and then they get into these marriages where their husbands have these addictions or problems and they seek gratification outside of marriage because they're not even comfortable discussing that with their wives, and it's so so so heartbreaking. So these are all I think objectively red flags.

SPEAKER_03 22:24

If say it is one of your first conversations with the guy and you feel a little bit uncomfortable asking the questions, as story as it sounds, check their Instagram following. If their following is 95% immodest girls, bikini pictures, things like that, they're not doing it because they're trying to find out like, oh, what restaurant is she going at? What holidays does she go on? Like, we all know why he's following her. If you find that his following does look like that, take the hint.

SPEAKER_02 22:53

The vetting of verification here can be really, really, really deep. Digital footprints, those are so important to look at. Who's in his comments? Whose comments is he in? What is he comfortable commenting on, leaving his digital footprint on? But there's also like a flip-flop there because some people are really good at hiding it. Like different accounts, different computers. I don't know. Like it is an addiction. Like these are props that are treatable, have treatments, have programs because they are a real issue. This is the kind of negative of if he wanted to, he would. Where there's a will, there's a way. And that will is not always a good one. I think it's an objective red flag. Can it be solved? Maybe. If it's an issue and it's a big issue, and they don't have any intention to be better or do better, then I would consider it objectively a red flag.

SPEAKER_03 23:37

Yeah, and I think if, say, the guy does admit before you get married that he has one of these addictions, in my opinion, you should make sure he's 100% in the clear before actually signing any documents to get married to him. Even if he's like, I'm in rehab for it or whatever the term it is, and I'm like 75% recovered. The strain and stress of a marriage could make him relapse, and then you're in a very sticky situation at that point. So I think you'd want someone who is pretty much recovered and has been recovered for a decent amount of time.

SPEAKER_02 24:12

I kind of disagree. Not completely with stuff like this, including people who drink or gamble, addictions, there's the highs and lows. You always want to prepare yourself for the idea of a relapse or the idea of them going back to something that you don't like. I feel like if they are honest with you about it and you know that going into marriage and you're not already stuck or tied down, then yes, I definitely would make sure that they want treatment number one, want to get better, are actively working on it. And then you have to ask yourself, like, okay, am I okay with this? Is this something that I can look past regardless? Like we've said before, people don't always change. If you're comfortable with them, who they are now, take them as they are. That's kind of where this falls.

SPEAKER_03 24:58

That's why I'd say, like, let them recover and then give them a little bit of time after that for them to experience life stresses and other things. You can kind of see how easy it would be for them to relapse because everything you said is very valid, but I think you kind of need to know is it gonna be something that, like, okay, they were stuck in traffic and then they relapsed because they got angry or something, or is it gonna be something genuinely catastrophic that say they lost their job or something like that that made them fall back into the addiction? Like, you kind of need to know what the scale is. So that's why I would suggest let them go through the treatment whatever they need to, and then give them a little bit of time and then consider marriage.

Sharif Faizullah 25:38

I recommend at least a year. Anyone who is addicted with PMO, without any relapse, if you can go for a year, I I think you'll be okay, inshallah, once you get married, and that's when sexual compatibility comes in. Muslims are very weird when talking about sex, by the way. And when you're talking about sexual compatibility before marriage, people are like, What? Why did you even add it to the list? It's a necessity. It's something you have to be on the same page about. It is not about sexual experience, it's about your attitude towards sex. I don't think these are appropriate questions to ask in the first session, first time you meet. But in the follow-up discussions, he doesn't have any of my deal breakers. He has most of my deal makers. I'm actually interested we're on the same page in terms of our other compatibility. Now you can dig into that. And I think it's okay to ask someone, you do you watch porn? It's a very legit question to ask. Just don't ask it in the first meeting.

SPEAKER_02 26:26

I agree. I think this is a little too touchy for the first meeting. Um, but definitely I think when you get to that point of why I really like him, he's past all my other levels before marriage. I think it's really important to have this conversation. Ask a follow-up question. How often were you watching porn? You can gauge. Is this person really, really, really in need of treatment or is this something they did when they were younger, now they move past it, they're over it. Find out what you're comfortable with is six months long enough for you. Wait a year, see, like that is really important before you move forward with anything.

SPEAKER_03 26:55

Another follow-up question I'd probably ask if the answer was yes. What is the reason? What are the triggers for it? So if it's just oh, it's because I get bored sometimes, then if you do go on to get married to him, you're aware. Or if it's like, oh, I was friends with this group and it was normal for them, then you kind of know to watch out if he starts being friends with these people, so it just gives you a better insight of before the relapse.

SPEAKER_02 27:19

Like you said, you can't really just take it at face value because maybe your definitions of addiction are different. What if he's like, No, I don't have an addiction, he's in denial, but I'm gonna push. Like, are you sure you think I'm lying? Like, you don't believe it.

Sharif Faizullah 27:31

I wouldn't recommend pushing it like that. Whatever he says surface value, take it and then try to seek information from other angles. So you trust and you verify. So you don't say, Oh, everything that comes out of his mouth is a lie. Well, then you probably shouldn't be marrying him anyway, if that's what you believe, right? So you trust and you verify. On the same topic, what if he asks you, or you can also ask him, is did you have sex before? How many sexual partners did you have before? How would you answer?

SPEAKER_03 27:56

From what I've read, I thought Islamically you're not actually allowed to ask them, like, have you done zina?

Sharif Faizullah 28:02

Yeah, what you said is correct. Maybe they have done it in the past or they have not. Either way, they're not obligated to answer that. You're not obligated to answer that either. And that's the whole point of it. It doesn't matter. For uh new Muslims, it's like, you know, whatever I did in the past, I ask Allah for forgiveness, and this is a new chapter of my life. You could be the same thing, even if you're a uh born Muslim. I'm pointing it out here because some people fall trapped into that. Now they get into that discussion. You don't have to. Yes, maybe he's okay with it because he wants to impress you right now. Five years down the line, that might become an issue. He's gonna start feeling jealous about all the people you've had. It will open up the can of worms that you don't want to open. That's why, as a general rule, it's better not to address that, but just say what we did in the past, as long as we ask Allah's forgiveness, we turn a new leaf. That's not something that I'm comfortable discussing.

SPEAKER_02 28:46

So, Sharif, yeah. This red flag for you, is it subjective or objective?

Sharif Faizullah 28:50

Some parts of it is objective. Okay. The guy asking explicit questions or asking you for an explicit picture, those are definitely red flags. That is a very easy reflection of his worldview. However, the other things, it depends on how deep it is. Like you know, emotional intimacy, there's a spectrum to it. You might think it's weird, but in some cases, an emotional entanglement could be worse than a physical entanglement. I've seen cases where the physical interaction happened and it's gone. But that emotional entanglement lasted for let's say seven years. Think about that. That might have lasted, I don't know, seven minutes or whatever, 30 minutes, however long. It doesn't matter. Like a couple minutes, an hour, whatever. But like that lasted seven years. So you might look at it and say, Well, that's physical intimacy. Oh my god, that's haram chalad. That's worse than but how do you judge that? That seven year of emotional entanglement could leave him worse off in his marriage, or could leave her worse off. Now at the end, they realize, oh my god, we're not good fit for each other, whatnot, we gotta separate. They gotta deal with that heartbreak for maybe the next three years. And now they marry somebody else. In their mind, they're gonna compare that new person with the previous person, the seven-year fling that they had. How deep the emotional entanglement is. Sometimes I feel like the long-term damage is more. It takes longer to get out of that.

SPEAKER_03 30:04

Yeah, I agree with that because I think when it comes to the physical intimacy side of things, the actual consequence of that in terms of potential children STI is they can be as part of your past. You're not carrying around. Hopefully, if you get an STI, you've taken the right treatment for it. And it's just kind of like a memory in the past that I had that once. Whereas with emotional intimacy, you're carrying around your brain with all those memories with you all the time. Say you go past his favorite car, you're gonna remember that, and it's something that takes a long time to heal from.

Sharif Faizullah 30:36

I am pretty sure we're gonna have a lot of people disagreeing with that's what they said. It's okay, it depends on how you take it.

SPEAKER_03 30:41

It is just because there are opinions doesn't mean they're correct.

Sharif Faizullah 30:43

Exactly. We're kind of thinking out loud here as well. But when you mention children, I would say no. If someone gets pregnant and she chooses not to have an abortion and then she gives birth to a baby before marriage with a Muslim family and whatnot, I would not compare that with the seven-year emotional entanglement as worse as that could be. You're talking about a new life, raising that. Like, I want you to understand me, it depends on the situation. Either side could be worse than the other.

SPEAKER_02 31:05

When it comes to kids, that is like a combination of physical and emotional intimacy. People are always like, Oh, marriage is such a big commitment, and they like kind of glaze over the fact that they're having children out of wedlock. Parenting is a bigger commitment than your marriage.

Sharif Faizullah 31:19

That is such a good point. I want to bold, italicize, and underline that. Such a valid point.

SPEAKER_02 31:24

People are like, No, I can't do the commitment. You're a parent for life. You can get unmarried, you can get divorced, you can get an annulment, whatever the case may be. Your kid is your kid for life. Once you're a parent, you're in the end. Like, so that's something that you can't leave it in the past when you have a kid. STIs, okay, but I do agree that in some circumstances, emotional intimacy is so much worse. And I feel like with Muslims specifically, because like I said, when we're uneducated and you send out these little hormonal middle schoolers out into the world and they have this first crush and they're like so attached, that first interaction, whatever it may be, is going to have a long-lasting impact. That really formulates your worldview of relationships, too. It's really taboo, all of this stuff is so taboo to talk about. So if you don't have an outlet and you're just kind of struggling with yourself, like listening to your little heartbreak songs, wallowing in whatever it is. That's your view of relationships. That's your perception of how I'm gonna treat women, how women are gonna treat me. That creates your kind of attitude towards emotional intimacy. That's why this is so important, like preparing your heart and mind before you do anything, before you open the floodgates, because it is a floodgate. There is so much to love, marriage, intimacy, all of this that you really want to make sure that you're educated and prepared and that you're ready to handle everything that's gonna come with it.

Sharif Faizullah 32:42

What do you guys think about secret marriages in campuses? We're talking about Muslims, by the way. They're like, I don't want to do zina, but I also don't want to go through the whole shenanigans of my parents involved. So they just find someone who could marry them and they maybe get two of their friends to be witnesses, and they go out of town somewhere, so nobody knows them. So they do get married, but nobody knows about it. So it's called secret marriages.

SPEAKER_03 33:04

I have thoughts on that. I didn't even know that was a thing.

Sharif Faizullah 33:07

Oh wow, okay.

SPEAKER_03 33:08

I'm still processing that, I'm gonna be honest. I've heard of them, but like in older people and other countries, I didn't realize this was a thing that was happening on campus with people our age. I guess it makes sense reading also the statistic of 50% of most students engage in premarital sex.

SPEAKER_02 33:25

Okay, I didn't know this was a thing either, at least not as big of a thing. Like I know some people do it, but I do have thoughts on this. The first point that you made is like, oh, I don't want to commit dinner or whatever. Like you said here, don't jump into marriage just to make it halal. I think people who get married solely for oh, now we can have sex freely. Guys, like I said, marriage is still a commitment. A baby is a bigger commitment, but marriage is still a commitment. So, like completely dismantling the whole institution of marriage just for the sake of sex, that's so shallow, and I feel like you're not really giving the idea of you're actually married enough weight, you're completely avoiding every other responsibility, everything that comes with marriage for the sake of oh, now we can have sex.

Sharif Faizullah 34:07

Guys, so if a guy suggests that to you somehow, what are you gonna say?

SPEAKER_02 34:11

No, are you okay?

Sharif Faizullah 34:13

That's a red flag. If a guy suggests a secret marriage, that's a huge red flag because this guy has just one thing in mind, you know, he doesn't want anything else. It's not an epidemic, it's not at that level, but it does happen. I've dealt with a few cases and they just didn't know any better. They thought, oh, I'm coming up with a creative solution, you know, inshallah. And then maybe after we graduate, then we'll let our families know, and then we'll do like one for real. That type of hide and seek, that's a red flag.

SPEAKER_03 34:37

If a guy is proposing that, he's just not thinking long term because if you were to have a child in that sort of scenario where nobody knows that you are legally married, like Islamically legally married, and then you pop out one day with a belly out here, you've now got to explain one of two things. Either, oh, we've been married for this amount of time, or you've got to make up a story. Like it that just doesn't make sense to me that you're gonna end up in a worse situation down the line. And also, if he is able to keep you secret from his family, from his friends, from everyone, if say you do then get married, what I do know about you. Yeah, he he's a pro at this by now, he knows how to do it. What are you letting yourself in for?

Sharif Faizullah 35:21

You said legally Islamically married, so they're actually two different things. I know most secret marriages they actually don't do the legal part. By legal marriage, you're talking about actually recording this marriage with the city or the village or the county that you live in. You get an actual official documented marriage certificate. So if a guy suggests doing only Islamic marriage, just a piece of paper, some Imam somewhere signed, and no legal marriage, another red flag, by the way. A lot of guys they play games with this with multiple women, and the women they have no idea. Whether the guy is married or single, it doesn't matter. If he's suggesting secret marriage or if he's suggesting only an Islamic marriage, they're like only fear Allah, you know, in the sight of Allah. He tries to use Islam to play games like that. Huge red flag.

SPEAKER_02 36:01

The thing that I love that it's in big bold print, do not jump into marriage just to make the relationship halal. It's okay. Lose the character point, it's fine, ask for forgiveness, move on. It's a commitment. You guys are not understanding how big of a commitment marriage is. There's more to it than just okay, we can have sex now. No, I know Islamically it's allowed for a man to have multiple wives, but should his attitude about that be a red flag?

Sharif Faizullah 36:27

What do you guys think?

SPEAKER_02 36:28

I personally think yes. When people weaponize Islam, that's already a red flag. If he's for it, that's fine. Like Islamically, that's his right. Who am I to go against Islam? But his attitude in the sense of like he just wants to be able to sleep with multiple women, or he's making jokes about, oh, I'm gonna go pick her as my wife and her as my wife. That's the type of attitude I mean. Like his demeanor about talking to you about it or making jokes about it. I think that kind of falls with the explicit jokes. That's also a weird attitude to have about marriage, sex, love, intimacy. Kind of using Islam as a free pass to be with as many people as possible as long as you're married, I think is very odd. So for me personally, that would be a red flag.

SPEAKER_03 37:05

Yeah, and I think that speaks volumes of how he views women and what value he thinks women bring to the table. If he thinks that getting multiple wives is just so he can sleep around and that he'll benefit purely from it, and that he has no responsibilities in that situation. That just makes me think that you do not see women as people that are like sex slaves that you can just pick up and use whenever go to the next one. If that is his kind of attitude, you've also got to think about the kids that would then come from that. What would his attitude be towards them and raising them as well?

Sharif Faizullah 37:38

It's a sensitive topic, isn't it? As you can see, like it's it's a sensitive topic, right? I remember my wife on the marriage contract, she added that I cannot without her permission and whatnot. I'm like, okay, no problem. I have no intention. I'm like, fine, I was okay with it. I would not necessarily call it a red flag unless he is insensitive about the topic. So how he talks about it, that's what you look into it. If a guy is okay with it saying, oh, Islam allows it, that's not necessarily a red flag. Because if Islam made something halal, you can't force him to make it haram. That's foolish. If a guy makes fun of it too often, I wouldn't necessarily call it explicit jokes, but I would call it insensitive. He might continue to do that kind of jokes after marriage, and it might be an emotional torture for you. Who wants to hear that from their husband? Like nobody. That's actually a good question to ask, by the way. In the marriage conversation, what's your view on second and third wives? You can ask that question. You get to see his perspective, his point of view, how he sees all of this.

SPEAKER_03 38:31

Having multiple wives in certain countries isn't permissible. I don't think people then, if they live in those countries, should be ignorant of the fact that it can still happen. What a lot of men do is they either go to other countries and have one like back home or in a different country, or they'll have two, but one just isn't legally registered and is just technically like a girl threatened to like outward society or a mistress, yeah. Yeah. So if you live in those kind of countries, don't think that you're automatically protected by the law of the land.

Sharif Faizullah 39:04

No, you're not, exactly. This is why you do that due diligence. I know there are a lot of men who play this game and women fall for it. Maybe he doesn't have any of your deal breakers, he has all of your deal makers, excellent, but he has another wife somewhere else in a different country. To me, that would be a deal breaker. But hey, you know, it's a free country, you're free to do whatever you want to do.

SPEAKER_02 39:21

Like I was saying, I think it's all about the approach. Because, like I said, who am I to go against Islam? If it's allowed, it's allowed. And if the approach is fine, then you're okay with it, okay. That's a different story. But if he's sitting here and like berating you or being really demeaning or degrading towards women or about marriage as a concept, then that's his personality. That's where those red flags are falling. Not necessarily that having multiple wives is the red flag. But the red flag is who he is about that.

SPEAKER_03 39:44

If the difference between two separate people, one has a successful polygamous relationship and the other one doesn't, I think it's their reasoning behind going into that relationship and their attitudes towards Islam. Because I think there are a lot of successful polygamous relationships where the man is happy, the women are happy, the kids are happy. And I think the common denominator in those kind of relationships is that the guy understands that it's an Islamic obligation on himself, but also this isn't the only sun-nut thing that he practices. The polygamous marriages that I've seen fall through are just absolute terrible marriages. It's generally the guy cherry-picking his Islamic rights, like, oh, it's my right to have four wives, and forgets that it's also his wife's right to be treated right, to be treated fairly, the kids' right to also have a dad in their lives.

Sharif Faizullah 40:35

So red flag number four, smoking and drinking.

SPEAKER_03 40:38

Do you think this is subjective or objective?

SPEAKER_02 40:41

With drinking, objective. Red flags across the board. Smoking more subjective than objective, but it depends. For me personally, my family are into smoking. Like we smoke hookah a lot. My dad, his dad, his dad's dad, they've all smoked growing up. I was always around like a pipe or babes or a cigarette, whatever the case may be. So for me, smoking, it's not necessarily a red flag. It's not something that I would necessarily prefer. Maybe it would be like a preference, like a deal maker. Like smoking weed, that's something I'm not comfortable with. That for me would be objective. What about you guys?

SPEAKER_03 41:15

I think for me, drinking and smoking would probably both be quite objective. Maybe smoking slightly more subjective in the sense that if he was like, I'm in the process of quitting. I used to do 20 cigarettes a day. I don't know the quantities, but now I only do like two a week and I'm cutting down. I only do it outside, I don't do it in front of people. If it's like a thing where he is on that path, but his ultimate aim is to quit, then I'd be a bit more lenient. But I think with drinking it's pretty much hard set. That's a no.

Sharif Faizullah 41:47

When I was making a list of my deal, smoking was on one of the top on the list. I didn't just look at it as an addiction, but what it says about the person. When she is triggered or stressed, she's gonna go to that pipe, she's gonna try to vape or smoke, whatever. And on top of that, like secondhand smoking is worse. I don't want to be doing that. I don't want to have lung cancer. I don't want her to have lung cancer. And then children actually suffer a lot when it comes to stress and creativity. It's proven the damage from alcohol is worse in terms of affecting others. Drinkers, they tend to do a lot more domestic violence than smokers. Doesn't mean smoking is better. It's just on that note, alcohol is worse. But I personally I get this like a very visceral reaction to it. I I I hate it. I hate the smell of smoking. I cannot imagine somebody kissing as smokers. Like, to me, it's like kissing an ashtray. I have never kissed an ashtray, by the way. I have no idea. I'm just imagining how disgusting it would be, right? If somebody is actually like, you know what? He doesn't have any of the other deal breakers, he has most of my deal makers, then I would say, alright, there is a book called Alan Carr's Easy Way of Quitting Smoking. I actually know quite a few people who read that book one time, quit smoking on that same day, and never touched a cigarette for the rest of their lives. So I know some people they say, oh, the addiction there is always real. I'm like, I don't know if I believe that. So I would give him that. Alright, here is a book, go get it. If somebody is able to do that and then boom, for a couple of months they haven't touched a cigarette, excellent. So that is my biased opinion.

SPEAKER_03 43:14

What if someone had quit smoking? What would your reaction be? Then would it still be a no?

Sharif Faizullah 43:19

If they have successfully quit a couple of years, they have quit and given up completely, and they're not touching any other substance, e-cigarettes and whatnot, like that. Your past doesn't have to equal your future. All types of addiction, it's a way of soothing ourselves. If someone can find ways to soothe themselves in a healthy way, if someone actually genuinely quit, they have given up that addiction. That will be a plus in my book. Given everything else is good, I would not count that against him. I would actually think it's impressive.

SPEAKER_02 43:43

I was gonna say the same thing. I think if someone has willpower and is able to quit smoking or addictions, that's more of like a green flag because it just shows that okay, they have the drive to do it and the self-discipline to continue doing it. I will occasionally smoke hookah, very social and very like one. Once in a while type thing. So that's kind of what I would want from my spouse, also. I don't think that I would want someone who smokes all the time. Because I do think it's harmful, especially when it comes to having kids, getting pregnant. And I wouldn't want that as the example or near me at that time. That's where it would be subjective. Like, is this something that you do all the time? Is this something you do to soothe? Is this something you use as a crutch? But for drinking and recreational drugs like wheat, those are gateway drugs. I think that if you have to go out of your way to go get a substance that's already a red flag, why do you need it? That's a can of worms that I don't want to open. And I wouldn't want my husband to have already opened it.

Sharif Faizullah 44:35

What do you think about this being a slippery slope? Let's say it's not smoking, it's like vaping or hookah and whatnot. Do you think there is a chance that slight tiny window is open for cannabis or opioids or cocaine drugs, other types? Can it progressively get worse in the future if something dramatic happens in life, you know, the stress is overwhelming and they're like, that's not cutting it for me. I'm gonna upgrade it to the next level. What are your thoughts on that?

SPEAKER_02 44:58

If you're using it as something that is a self-soothing or a crutch, that's the red flag there that you would need an upgrade if life got harder. I will go out and smoke hookah like once every four months. So I'll take maybe one or two puffs, and then I'm over it. It's not something that I seek out. That's where I think the red flag lies. If it's something that you seek out deliberately and you need that and it is an addiction, that's where I would draw the line of like, okay, that's a red flag.

Sharif Faizullah 45:22

How would you distinguish that? If a guy says, I smoke hookah occasionally, we go to hookah bar as a family, how do you know if that's just a recreational thing once in a blue moon or it's an addiction? How do you know that?

SPEAKER_02 45:32

For example, my dad, he smokes, he always has it in his hand. It's in his pocket, it's in the car, it's wherever. If it's an addiction, it's very clear that person cannot stay away from that. That's something that you can bet and verify very easily. Like, okay, how often do I see him outside of the hookah lounge? Are his friends smokers? Do they see him often? Digital footprint, is it in pictures? Is it in cars? I feel like that's kind of easier to vet and verify because something they always have on them.

Sharif Faizullah 45:55

For a lot of people, for a lot of Muslim families and Muslim communities, smoking is subjective from their point of view. I agree. To me, it's that's my personal bias. The question that I would like to pose is think 10, 20 years from now, what would you like to happen and make that decision accordingly?

SPEAKER_03 46:10

You both bring some interesting points, and I think it is very important to highlight that it is not just culture specific but family specific as well. Yeah. And that you can't really paint everyone with the same brush.

Sharif Faizullah 46:21

Exactly. Good point. Just in terms of your health, just make sure that you're not harming yourself. Are we ready to go to the next one? Red flag number five, the two extremes with religion.

SPEAKER_02 46:33

I think it's a red flag that it's objective. Because on the lower end of the scale, if they have no concept of deanar Islam, then that's just a host for so many issues. Especially if you're invested in your faith and it's something that you want to continue investing in and the person that you want to marry isn't. Well, how are we gonna raise our kids? Are you going to be more invested? How is your family? Are we gonna clash on that? There's just so many things that are gonna become issues. If they don't have any concept, then maybe they're okay with drinking, maybe they're okay with tattoos, maybe they're okay with smoking, maybe they're okay with having premarital relations. Like there's so many things that come from that that will just be red flags or issues with compatibility later. So that one objective.

SPEAKER_03 47:14

I do agree in the fact that both ends of the spectrum are very dangerous. But I, in a way, think it's subjective, depending on where you fall on the spectrum of religiousness, your version of too extreme might be different. Maybe like a guy who has a beard might be seen as like really extreme to one person, but to another person, a guy who spends all his money and day and night in the mosque praying might be too extreme for someone else. If the guy isn't the same or very similar to your level of religiousness, I think you will have issues because you're creating a life together, and if your viewpoints on life are different, you're going to just be constantly clashing heads. And obviously, that doesn't mean that you have to see eye to eye on every single little detail, but on the big things like it's jumad. Are you expecting your husband to go to the mosque or is he gonna pray at home? Does he pray five times a day? If you're out at a restaurant, is he gonna get up to go pray? Or it's fine, we'll just pray it when we get home for women as well. Like, is your husband expecting you to wear a hijab? Does he not want you to wear it? I think those are very big issues that sometimes people don't realize it when they're going through this process.

SPEAKER_02 48:24

This is like two different things. So there's red flags and then there's religious compatibility. So the compatibility is like, where do I fall with my theme? Am I here or here? And where do I want my husband to be here or here? With the red flags, I'm looking at as like those expressions of the extremes. So if you're expressing a low extreme of religion where you don't practice at all, then there's no compatibility there at all because you also are a red flag versus that expression of extreme where like you just spend all of your time in the mosque, disregard your wife and children, you're not upholding your end of the deal at all. That's where I think it's not about compatibility. There's no way you can be compatible with something like that. That you're expressing something and it's wrong. In between, with compatibility, that's subjective. Like that depends on what you think of your own Islam and your relationship with Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala and how you would like your husband to be.

SPEAKER_03 49:13

Something that is mentioned in this chapter, the facade that some men put on. When they're going out, they look like the most religious guy. You think, wow, he's leading all the salas, like he's doing Tarawi, he's dressed with the biggest beard. Like, is that Santa Claus? Like you don't even know. When he goes home, you speak to his wife, and you're just like, Are you sure that's the same person? I genuinely think that's so crazy. So you have to make sure you do your due diligence when you get to know a guy.

SPEAKER_02 49:40

Same thing with being too religious in a negative way. Religion isn't a negative thing. Being invested in your faith, being close with Islam is not a red flag. That's a green flag. But weaponizing Islam is where I have that issue.

Sharif Faizullah 49:53

A lot of people weaponize specific ayat from the Quran or specific hadith.

SPEAKER_02 49:57

They're like justifying all these crazy things or putting forth these ideas that are just completely taken out of context. You're just wanting to be a dictator or a tyrant with a Quran in your hand. What are you doing? So that is also a red flag.

Sharif Faizullah 50:09

Rasulullah, he never hit anyone in his family, like no one. So someone who says, Oh, I'm practicing Sunnah but doing the opposite, it just doesn't make sense. There's a lot of cognitive dissonance that goes on when it comes to extreme level of religiosity. That's why I say two extreme. One extreme is he's atheist or agnostic, doesn't even believe in Allah, and the other extreme is oh, he's practicing Islam in a way, he's weaponizing it, he is using Islam incorrectly or just to his own advantage to oppress other people. I would keep that in mind, and honestly, the questions you will ask during those marriage conversations will give you a window to his mind on what he thinks about it very clearly. And do not shy away from it, be open about it. I'll tell you a quick story of mine. When I was looking after sharing my marriage magnet, we shared, okay, these are some of the scholars that I listen to, some of the people I look up to. And she also shared, oh, these are the scholars that I look up to. Then I realized they're on the two spectrum of practicing Islam. And then I asked her a question about some specific practice that they do. Is this something that you do often? They're like, Yeah, our family, we do this almost every month. This is a big thing for us. I'm like, but I never do that. I don't feel comfortable doing that because, in my understanding, it's not really a good thing to practice. That was it. That was the deal breaker for us. And I'm glad that it was because then everything might have been a good match, but here we would clash so much because we have strong beliefs about that. So you want to be somewhat compatible. You don't have to be exactly on the same page, but you want to be somewhat compatible. So one of the good questions you can ask is who are the people, who are the speakers that you listen to, you look up to. If you have a religious jurisprudence fit type of technical question, who do you go to for answer? That'll give you a clue whether you guys are on the same page or not.

SPEAKER_03 51:41

When we're talking about the extreme where the guy who's outwardly religious but on the inside he's not, I think that in and within itself shows what his understanding of Islam is. Because if your understanding of Islam is just you need to pray, you need to fast, you need to give charity, that's it. And you don't realize that a big portion of our religion is about how you treat people. I think that really reflects their mindset and what kind of goes on in their head.

Sharif Faizullah 52:09

Yeah, totally.

SPEAKER_03 52:10

You don't just marry a guy for his religiousness, there's so much more to it.

Sharif Faizullah 52:14

Yeah. I hope inshallah in the future there will be a world where someone says, Oh, this guy has deen, it automatically would come with that good character as well. That's ideal, that's how it needs to be. But unfortunately, we're not there yet. There's a lot of this outward religiosity, but internally, it's like they live two different lives. They have this dissonance, they keep them separate. Some people will have one social media handle for their families and regular friends, and the other, oh, it's my secret life. So that's where doing that investigation, vetting, and verification, all of that come into place. But knowing what questions to ask, knowing what clues to look for is the key. So if you see that the guy is being extreme in one thing, probe into that. Say, tell me more. Can you explain that a little bit? Do you see an exception to that? Questions like that will give you an indication, maybe he said it in a weird way. It's possible that he misspoke. If something seems fishy, something sounds weird, ask for follow-up questions.

SPEAKER_03 53:04

Question about that. How would you distinguish between a guy who is holding up this facade versus someone who just doesn't want to expose their sins?

Sharif Faizullah 53:15

Very recently I had a conversation with someone who's been married for about a year and a half, and she's thinking of divorce because the guy said he prays in his family, like, oh, he prays regularly, and he doesn't even wake up for fajr, he's not even interested, and she's shocked. She's like, I did not marry this guy. The thing is, she or her family, no one did that verification. So the guy goes to a certain mosque in the community. No one went to that mosque or asked the Imam or the other people who regularly attend, does this guy show up here on a regular basis? How often do you see him? Very simple test. What comes out of his mouth and what he actually does, that's where everything else comes into play. You want to match that. You want to see if there is integrity. That's why trust and verify. By the way, if a guy is rushing you, if a guy's family is rushing you, that's also a red flag because it's a lifelong commitment. You're not buying an avocado of the grocery shelf. It has to be a serious consideration enough time. So rushing too much is a red flag in and of itself. You have to look for those clues. And these chapters and these deep dives will give you a lot of ideas, inshallah, how to look for those clues.

SPEAKER_02 54:13

If they're just practicing and going through the emotions and you know that they're internally struggling with their deen, that may be something different entirely. I think there's different questions to ask to get to these red flags. What do you think about deen? What do you think about practicing? What do you think is the most important parts of Islam? How did you interact with Islam growing up? Did you go to Islamic school? How are your parents about Islam? Because a struggle is different than the belief. So I feel like if they are open to their growth in Islam, then if you want to be part of that growth or if you would rather just someone who's already stable in their Islam, different things, then that all becomes like a personal choice of like, are we compatible there?

Sharif Faizullah 54:45

Yeah, just because someone is struggling slightly about certain things doesn't necessarily mean it's a red flag, by the way. Do your best. Not all struggle becomes a red flag or a deal breaker. As long as you're within the same wavelength, that's good. And I would definitely ask questions about future planning. So what are you planning to do 10, 20 years from now? And when you talk about children, how would you like to raise our children in the future? What what type of Islam do you want them to have? All these things will give you an idea, a window into his soul and his mind.

SPEAKER_02 55:11

That's why I really like the line, just assess his deen on his own merit. There's no end-all be-all of been. It's different for everyone.

Sharif Faizullah 55:18

How parents practice or not practice Islam, do not make that a decision-making factor. Because it's the guy you're marrying and it's the guy who's gonna be the father of your future children. So what he does and what he believes matters more than what his parents do. The example that I just gave, the girl, she had her family saw the guy's parents practicing Islam quite well. That's why they are bamboozled into thinking their son might be the same. It might be a plus point, but not necessarily. Because I know quite a few people who are very practicing and their parents don't practice at all. Maybe they found Islam in high school or college through MSAs. They are more practicing, but their parents don't even care at all.

SPEAKER_02 55:53

Look at how he practices and also within the scope of what you want. You don't want to just be like, oh, he's a good Muslim, so I'm sure he'll be a good match for me. Maybe not. If your practice is different or your outlook on Deen is different.

Sharif Faizullah 56:06

Yeah. And the one thing I would add is leave room in the future for growth. Definitely. Yes, you are marrying him just the way he is, but ask that question. So in the future, if I happen to change in terms of my practice of Islam, what would you think about that? It could be you're evolving or it could be you're devolving. Either way, ask and then see what he reacts with. And then maybe you can share your opinion that will. You're not taking a snap. I'm frozen this time, and this is how it'll be for the rest of life. No marriage is like that. In a marriage, the husband and wife, they grow, there is ebbs and flow. Sometimes they evolve, sometimes they devolve. And that's where you can help each other. So you know, like, hey, this is the bare minimum I want to maintain. If one of us dips a little bit, can the other person pull them back up? That's what a life partner is supposed to be, right? This is a big part of divorce proof in your future marriage, by the way. Especially as Muslims, we care about our religion, we care about Islam. It could be a source of peace and contentment, a source of togetherness and love and connection. Or it could be a source of conflict. So this is why it's important. It's not just for now. Think about the future as well. Red flag number six terrible with money.

SPEAKER_02 57:10

I feel like it's slightly subjective if they're young and terrible with money. But I feel like objective if this is a solidified thing that they've never grown out of. I don't think I had amazing saving habits until recently when I live on my own, and now I understand okay, I have to pay rent and utilities, and I need to really be mindful of where I'm investing my money. But I feel like as a grown man that is trying to pursue marriage, what do you think is gonna happen? You have to pay for your wife, your children, your home. At least have like a game plan. I'm not saying it's a red flag if he's broke. Because if his plan isn't to stay broke, then if you're okay with that, you're okay with that. But if he's just a bum and he's like, Yeah, I occasionally have five dollars in my pocket, I'm gonna go buy like happy meal. You obviously don't care about what money's coming in, what money's going out. I feel like the attitude there is really telling.

Sharif Faizullah 57:57

What do you think about a guy who does not have an income at all? Let's say he's 24, does not have an income, but he's doing his master's, maybe PhD, maybe he gets his stipend. So he's super busy with his study, but he does not have an income. He does not have a job.

SPEAKER_02 58:10

If he's managing his stipend well, if he's able to provide for himself, food is on the table, clothes are on his back, roof over his head, and I would be comfortable living in the situation that he's currently living in, then I don't think it's a red flag. Versus if he also has a hundred K in student loans and this stipend is something that he thinks is for fun and he's going out on the weekend and he's like, Oh, I'm gonna buy myself these really new, nice Jordans or a nice new Stanley Cup to study with, then it's okay. You're not managing money, you're spending money. Those are two different things.

Sharif Faizullah 58:39

Money is one of those things that's very triggering, sensitive topic for a lot of Muslims. There is a clash in our heart, in our mind when it comes to money. With this idea of, I want to be comfortable, I want to have money, so I can give charity, I can give zakah, and I can go to Hajj and all that. But at the same time, if I have too much money, I might not be a good Muslim. If you want to have a role model, you can have someone who is penniless, or you can have Uthman Radiallahu and who was a millionaire, basically multi-millionaire of that time, who still went to Jannah. So money isn't it. Having or not having money, that's not it. It's something else. So now the guy comes and the guy's super rich. They're like, I make 250k a year, I've got everything I need, but there's something icky about him. There's some specific deal breakers that you have, but he's like, I will take care of you and your children, I'll set up a trust fund, you don't have to worry about money at all.

SPEAKER_03 59:27

I think it depends what the deal breaker is, and also a question that comes to mind in that situation: where is his money coming from? Because that kind of seems like a situation where it's too good to be true. I'd be asking that question in a diplomatic way of like, how are you making your money?

Sharif Faizullah 59:45

If a guy like that comes, let's say it's in a poor neighborhood, he's driving an expensive car and he's like his own boss, so it's kind of fishy. There is a reason for it. You might end up marrying a drug dealer. It happens, it does happen. Trust me, you might end up marrying a rich drug dealer thinking that he's a practicing Muslim guy. Trust me, it's more common. I wish this was funny and it's a joke. It is not, it's a reality. So asking for the source of money is actually important. But if it's a deal breaker that's on your list, the deal breakers are deal breakers for a reason that they are deal breakers even if you're a millionaire. That's why you don't look at the guy first, you make your deal breaker first. Because that's how people compromise on their deal breakers and they end up in a sucky marriage because oh, I thought I I can find a way to overlook that, and later that thing will become the death of the marriage.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:29

If he was born into a family with money and has had money his whole life, I would make sure that he understands the value of a dollar and understands hard work because you want to make sure that tomorrow, if he woke up broke, would he still be a good man? Or would he have a negative attitude towards that, a negative outlook? Would he wake back up, bounce back, and be like, okay, you know what? I'm gonna work for it, we're gonna build it up again, or is he gonna be like, I'm just done now? Just having money isn't enough. Knowing about money and being able to manage money and having a good work ethic and a management technique, that's what matters. Not having money or not having money.

Sharif Faizullah 1:01:04

Some specific scenarios. The other one is about college students getting married while you are a student and he's also a student. Deen, character, compatibility, mashallah, everything is good. And he's mature enough, you are mature enough, you are thinking about cornerstone marriage, and he approaches you or your family, what would you ask when it comes to money?

SPEAKER_02 1:01:23

What's your major? What are you studying? How far along are you within studying? I would ask about loans. How are you paying for your education? Are your parents paying for it? Are you taking out loans? What are loans for? If the loan is for something normal, as long as they're willing and able to pay them back and they're actively trying to pay them back, because walking around with a debt over your head is also not a good thing. So that's what I would ask if they were a college student. Like, okay, how do you plan to pay them back? What's their plan for the job market? Are you currently employed? When do you plan on getting employed? What's your payment plan overall? If his practices are okay, like if he has an income and he's managing it well, and the way that he's living is the way that I'd be comfortable living for however long his plan is gonna take, then okay. If you don't want that life, I would say don't go for it just because that's not the life that you want. Wait on it. See if he comes back around when he's in a better position, if you are willing to wait for him, or if you want to look for someone else that's in a better position at the time that you want to get married.

SPEAKER_03 1:02:20

My other question would probably be, which isn't kind of related to this, but like what is your attitude towards interest? Obviously, if you're planning on getting a house, getting cars in the future, where do you stand on getting loans from the bank? Because I think some people have very strong opinions on that, and that for some people could be a red flag.

Sharif Faizullah 1:02:39

The kind of profession or the job or the business, whatever his money-making source is, does it match with the kind of lifestyle that he wants to have? So you want to gauge that as well. And are you comfortable with that? This is where the question about do you want to live in a city, do you want to live in a suburban area, in a rural area, those things do matter. Where you live, the kind of lifestyle you want to have and the salary and the income, those things go hand in hand. You might look at someone, they're broke, but they're making six-figure plus. How are they broke? Well, because of where they live and the kind of lifestyle they have. So I would say that's a big factor when you're considering a guy, ask those questions. Those are important considerations to have.

SPEAKER_02 1:03:13

Yeah, that's a good point to make. Like, ask what he sees for himself in terms of where do you want to live, what luxuries do you look forward to, what amenities do you want to have later in life? And are you willing to work for them? How does that fit into your major work, your job? And you want to make sure that whoever you're talking to isn't naive. If he's saying, like, oh, I want to drive a Ferrari and I want to live in this big multi-million dollar property, but he's also like, Oh, I want to work three hours a week. What are you working three hours a week that's gonna make you that kind of money? I was like, Oh, Allah will provide. But you also have to work for what Allah is providing for. There's opportunities that Allah will provide you, you still have to chase after those opportunities, and that's a red flag that I see a lot in certain people, and that ties into the extreme with religion. Like, there's a balance with all these things that I think is important. Just because he has good deen doesn't mean he has good character. Is he conscious of Allah all the time or just in front of people? People who have the best image at the majin.

Sharif Faizullah 1:04:05

They see the outward religiosity and they're mesmerized by that. In their personal life, they're just not good people, they don't make life changing decisions because of what he says.

SPEAKER_03 1:04:12

I want to be the one staring that car. I need to be the FBI, I need to have the CIA on speed dial.

Sharif Faizullah 1:04:17

If you want to marry Muhammad, you better be Khadijah.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:20

There is no compromise, there is no sacrifice. You want all.