SPEAKER_03 0:00

This is the first time I've ever heard anybody be like, no, you have to select the person before you connect with them. Well duh, isn't that what I did?

SPEAKER_01 0:06

No, I didn't. Deal makers and deal breakers. Even now, I find it so hard to come up with deal breakers. It's really hard to find that balance between being reasonable but also being really picky. They have them, oh it's fine, I can fix him. Wait, I would leave. Doesn't eat fish on a Wednesday. Are you sure you should really be putting that on there?

SPEAKER_03 0:25

It's so taboo to be so forward about marriage. I would rather that momentary uncomfortability than a long process ending and much worse pain and heartache.

Sharif Faizullah 0:44

Most women make this love mistake.

SPEAKER_03 0:47

The title immediately was like, What mistake am I making? And when I read Connection before selection, I was like, What else are you supposed to do? My first reaction was like, What? Reading through, I was like, wait, yeah, yeah, that makes total sense. And I was like, oh my god, this is so valid.

SPEAKER_02 1:06

I think it's one of those things that when you hear it, you're like, oh, this is kind of common sense. But when you actually read it, you're like, oh wait, no, like I haven't consciously thought about that. And that's what I find when I was reading through it, that even though it sounded like common sense, oh wait, no, it is silly to connect with someone before actually going through the selection process. And then you can kind of see in your mind other relationships that haven't ended well. A lot of them you're like, oh no, it's because there was a connection before the selection process. And you know, like when you're with your friends and sometimes you're having a little bit of a chat, there's another couple, maybe one of your friends has got with someone, or they don't seem to fit, but she really loves him. So if that's what makes her happy, most likely in that case, your friend has connected with a guy, but based on who she is and what you kind of know her selection criteria would be, he doesn't match it.

SPEAKER_03 1:53

There's so many misconceptions, especially in mainstream media. Dating is so normalized, like you're supposed to go out and find people and connect with them, and it's a repetitive process. You're consistently opening up your heart to number one that damage, that this isn't gonna work out, right? And we're not really selecting, it's like, oh, I'm attracted to him, let me get to know him. And then we forget to ask the important questions. So instead, we start off with, oh my god, what's your favorite color? What's your favorite song? What do you like to do in your free time? Okay, that may be amazingly compatible. Sure, you might like all the same things. Then you dig a little deeper, but at that point, it's like, okay, we've been in this for six months now, and now I'm attached to you. Now you're gonna make excuses. Then it kind of just like snowballs into this horrible process. That first initial step, we missed it, and nobody talks about it. Like, this is the first time I think I've ever heard anybody be like, No, you have to select the person before you connect with them. Oh duh, isn't that what I did? No, I didn't. I did not select them before I connected with them.

SPEAKER_02 2:49

I watch a lot of rom-com movies, so maybe that's why I've got this preconception. But a lot of them are like the boy and the girl are walking down a school corridor, and then they look at each other, and then they're magically in love, and they can see their future, their kids, their grandkids, and they just know it's the one. I think because we see that so often, we kind of believe it to be true, even though it sounds stupid now. I'm saying it, but you kind of think that oh, you'll just connect with someone like that, and they've already been through your selection process because you connected with them, and that's just not the case. Never works out like that.

SPEAKER_03 3:19

And then even with that selection process, deal makers and deal breakers, even now, I find it so hard to come up with deal breakers because I have that mindset, like, oh, it's fine, I can fix him, it's okay. Because I'm like, wait, I would leave because we think about it like, oh, I don't want to like have a relationship that doesn't work out, but that's because even then you're still thinking I've already connected, so I don't want it to not work out. This is before this is before you even make that connection that you're gonna say that, and I'm gonna be like, I don't know you, sorry, I don't want to know anymore.

SPEAKER_02 3:47

Yeah, and I think mentioning deal makers and deal breakers when I'm writing down my list, it's really hard to find that balance between being reasonable but also being really picky because I know some girls who this might seem a bit silly, but like in their notes pages, they have a massive list of the things that they want from a guy and the things that they don't want, which is basically deal makers and deal breakers. There's this one girl that I know, she shows me her list and she is scrolling, scrolling, scrolling. Initially, I was like, Yeah, you go girl, like you know what you want. And I read some of them and it was like, doesn't eat fish on a Wednesday.

SPEAKER_01 4:17

And I was like, Are you sure you should really be putting that on there? Is that really something that needs to be there? Is that really that important to you? Going back to like we talked about height and age.

SPEAKER_03 4:29

I feel like some of the deal breakers, we don't think to think deeper, right? Because we're still just like, okay, I'm gonna connect and then I'll ask the deeper questions later. Everybody's too afraid to like on that first few contacts ask the deeper questions. But that's really what you need to do because that's when you're supposed to filtrate. You don't want to get six months down the line, three months down the line, and then realize that this isn't working out because now you've made that attachment. So, like deal breakers, I feel like people would make them really shallow and then realize that, oh, that's not actually what I was supposed to do. For my friend group, I know that. Like if I were to ask them right now, oh, what are your deal breakers? Nobody's gonna be like someone who drinks, someone who smokes. They're gonna be like, if he's less than six foot three, if he's not like at least two years older than me, like if he's not making six figures by the time he's 24, like, guys, I feel like we need to dig a little deeper, but I'm guilty of that too. Like, I wouldn't have thought to be like, I need to ask him about how he looks at fatherhood or how he looks at being a husband, like that kind of stuff, because that's really what you want. You want to understand them fundamentally versus outwardly.

SPEAKER_02 5:26

When writing your deal breakers, not as a necessary rule, but try and make them more sentences than just individual words. So not just fat is a deal breaker or sure or mean, expand on it a bit more. For example, a deal breaker for me is someone who doesn't view being a father as an important milestone in their life, things like that. If you expand a little bit more, you're gonna have more to work with. Like you've got someone in front of you and you're checking them against your criteria rather than fat, thought, mean.

SPEAKER_03 5:55

That's a good point. I think when people think they make a list, it's like, okay, bullet points. No, like be in-depth.

Sharif Faizullah 6:01

One suggestion I will give is you can start off with bullet points and then go back and expand them. So, for example, you say he's mean, people could interpret this in many different ways. So, how will you know that he's a mean person? That's one thing. And then there's also something called range. So, let's say I want someone who makes six figure by the time he's 24. Okay, what if he makes six figure by the time he's 26 or 25? Now he's no longer a potential candidate for you. Or what if he makes only 85k? Anything where you have a specific number, question that. Then instead of saying one specific number, give a specific range within this range. That's one of the traps. When people give a specific number, I want someone who's six feet, three inches tall. Like, okay, what about he's six feet and two inches? Um, I actually had this conversation with someone and she had this specific height. I'm like, okay, what if your guy is one inch shorter? So let's say you go on a dating app or a marriage app somewhere, and you have that as a restriction. Guess what's gonna happen? Anyone who is not six, three, anyone who is below that, they're not gonna show up in your result. That is one of the biggest flaws of using that kind of algorithm matching. That's what they do. You have this thing that you haven't fully thought through, and you're putting that as your selection criteria, and now the results you're getting is based on that. But what if the right guy is within the other group that you're not considering fully? That's why keep an open mind and question every single deal maker and deal breaker. Like, if I had to pick only five things, or if I have to shorten my list to only three things, would this be one of those three things? If it's not, then you might want to rethink that.

SPEAKER_02 7:28

There's an episode in Black Mirror. I'm not sure either you're familiar with Black Mirror where there was like some software or something that tells you who in the world you're exactly matched to. And then there was that girl who I think the person she was currently dating or married to wasn't her connection, and then she was kind of dealing with do I stay with him? So I think that's the kind of situation you'd end up in if you were to kind of connect before select, like a similar sort of situation.

Sharif Faizullah 7:54

And a lot of these connections happen because of proximity. I've actually looked into it, like how do people actually get married? Of 100% of the people who get married, what are the ways? And you know, one of the top ones is proximity, meaning you are close, either you work together or you study together, or your neighbors, or somehow maybe you volunteer together. That's it. You happen to be close to them. And in reality, actually, a lot of people do get married that way. And if you have a man and a woman who are completely opposite of each other, but leave them in an area for like, let's say, a couple of weeks, and there's no other human around, what's gonna happen? This is how it is. We are built with that. But now we have the opposite issue, which is like we have so many choices. There's so many fish in the pond. Yeah, it's true, but you just need one fish. Why are you fishing around for so many fish? Before it was like, okay, there's no technology, no internet, no AI, nothing, no face, no Instagram. Like you don't know anyone. Only the people that you know and your friends and parents know. Now we're on the other spectrum of like you literally could choose anybody in the world to marry, potentially. You have a lot of choices. That overwhelming choices, it's actually not a good thing. It's called analysis paralysis. You just like, I don't know what to choose. When you give them so many things to choose from, studies have found that people don't choose any one of them, they just give up. They're like, ah, I'll deal with it later. And guess what? Oh, I'll think about marriage later. So you see, this connection and selection thing, some of it happens automatically. So if you can have the selection thing ready, inshallah, the connection process will be stronger. It's not the other way around. This is why this is the first true love skill. This is it. It is not a one and done deal. Inshallah, you'll evolve as you grow. Some of these things might change. You might switch, some of them you might get rid of, you might add some things. That's not an issue at all. Be open to that. Who you are today, you won't be the same person five years from now. If I was a single guy at this time, my list will be completely different than who I was when I was 23. The stage of life you are in right now, take that into account and also know that don't go into one extreme. Like, oh, I have this one person, that's it. I'm willing to defy my parents, I'm willing to do everything that I need to do to marry this person because I love him so much. But you haven't gone through the selection process because that love, that initial attraction is so strong. That's how Allah made us. So you might be in love on a sinking Titanic.

SPEAKER_03 10:11

I like that you mentioned keeping your mind open because I think another thing that we do is when you make your list of deal breakers and you're like, oh, I don't want someone who's gonna make me live with my in-laws, or I don't want someone who has sisters because they're gonna be in my business or like these random things. Yes, stand on business, like make sure that you know what you want and don't just forgive anything and everything. But let's say he's checking all the other boxes, you have to look at that with okay, what am I comfortable with? If you're not comfortable with that at all and it really is a deal breaker for you, and you're willing to give up a perfect man for that, then okay, but you really need to like address that. Don't just wave him off because of this one thing that you haven't really looked in depth. Am I compatible? Am I okay with that now for this person? Because at a certain point, making those sacrifices or compromises is okay. But like right off the bat, I wouldn't recommend that.

SPEAKER_02 10:56

What I think is a good idea is like when it comes to making your list, kind of prioritize them. So, like, number one being like what is the most important deal maker and deal breaker, and then as you're going down, they're less important. And I think if say something is a deal breaker or a deal maker, but it's kind of relatively low on your list, if you're at that point where you can have a conversation with them and see is this something that maybe they could change, is there something that maybe you've misunderstood about their situation or something that they've said just to get clarification on it, rather than like you said, just waving them off and being like, Yeah, that's done, like I'm not entertaining this no more.

Sharif Faizullah 11:33

Between the two lists, I look at deal breakers as more important, at least at this stage. Why? Because your goal is to not fall in love with Mr. Wrong. That's why. Because once you have clarity on this, the next step gets easier. So you can focus on your deal makers later, inshallah. Right now, focus more on your deal breakers. Because deal breakers are literally, you're saying, okay, if the guy has this, I'm saying no to him. Even if he has a six-pack ab and a six feet tall, he's six-figure income. Like it doesn't matter. Like he could he could have everything else I want. But if he have this, I'm saying no to that. That's why it's more important. Now, deal makers, honestly, what I recommend is you're looking for most of your deal makers, not 100%. Finding someone who has 100% of your deal makers, I'm like amazing, incredible. That's very rare, but it could happen. So he has none of your deal breakers and all of your deal makers, I'm like, just go for it. But if he has most of your deal makers, excellent. That is usually the case. But if let's say you have a list of seven and he only has two or three, he doesn't have the other four or five you're looking for, then question okay, where are you when it comes to this? For example, you guys mentioned about being a father. As a single guy, I didn't think about fatherhood. Honestly, after I got married after my first child, it took me a while to grow into my role as a father. Because I mean, I've never done it before. Duh. Like, you know, it's just for my wife is slightly different because our first daughter, like, she literally grew up in her tummy. Like that nine months of that connection, I didn't have that. This is why a lot of men, a lot of husbands and a wife, there's this gap. It's like husband and wife, they're holding hand, right? La la la, and mashallah, this kid comes and the hands get split. Now they're holding the kids' hands, not each other's hands anymore. So, kids, if you don't take care of it properly, could be a hurdle in the marriage. For me, I've experienced that, especially during the first child. Because that was a new role for me. I'm like, oh my God, my wife is giving all of her attention to the child. Okay, I know that feeling of jealousy. People might be like, okay, that's just weird. But yeah, I give her the emotional support and all that. But she literally grew up in her for nine months. I'm not gonna have that. I don't have that. Alhamdulillah, I feel like, oh my god, I feel amazing and the amount of love and and affection we feel. But you see, man and woman, they deal with these things differently. So keep that in mind as well. Anything that you don't have, ask about it. Okay, what are your thoughts on fatherhood? What kind of father would you like to be? Well, the deal makers that the guy does not have, just ask. InshaAllah, we will teach you how to ask these marriage questions. Ask the guy these questions. Keep them open-ended. Like, don't say, will you be like, don't give him a yes or no choices. Keep it open-ended and see what he actually thinks about it. And then when you have multiple conversations, it's easy to see if there's like, oh, wait a second. I thought earlier you said this, and then he's flip-flopping. That's not a good sign. Because he's just trying to tell you what you want to hear. You know, it's actually a good thing when a guy tells you stuff that you might not like, you might not want to hear. You know what that shows you? He's being honest. He's not trying to please you all the time. And that's the kind of guy you want, actually. I know some people might have the idea, like, no, I want my guy to say yes to everything I ask you. Do you really? I've asked Kwama Kush, and and if they're trying to be politically correct, they're like, Yeah, I want him to agree with me on everything. Well, good luck. First of all, that's not gonna happen. And secondly, if that's happening, he is not being his true self. If there is disagreement, but you're able to talk about it, oh my God, that is an amazing thing, subhanAllah. So that's why these deal makers and deal breakers they will play a role for the rest of your marriage, for the rest of your life. I'm telling you. So if you want children and he doesn't, in my book, that's a deal breaker. If you are eating meat and he's a vegan, not a deal breaker. I'm in that situation, but I evolved into that. But it doesn't really matter because that's not on top of the list. So I'm okay with that. You see what I mean? Be careful. I know people miss out on a lot of good candidates because of this type of oh, that's it. If this is it, that's a deal breaker. So question your deal makers and deal breakers. If you spend a lot of time on this, it's okay. But don't make, as Sana mentioned, like a long list. Generally speaking, the shorter your list is, the better. You can think about each one, you have clarity, you can have like four things you're looking for, and you see a guy, like, okay, first one, check, check. He doesn't have any of the deal breakers. Nice. Now you move on to the deal makers. You see, don't start with deal makers first. So that's why I say right now at this stage, deal breakers are more important for you.

SPEAKER_03 15:43

I want to dig a little bit deeper into this whole process because there's like, let's say, four steps, right? Initially, you're attracted, then you pursue that person. Okay, I'm attracted to you. Now I'm gonna pursue you, and we're gonna do this selection process, and I'm gonna ask you my deal breakers. What does that timeline look like? Obviously, first conversation, I'm not gonna be like, Well, do you drink? What type of father do you want to be? And what is your plan for the future? Or is that what you're supposed to do?

Sharif Faizullah 16:06

That's why marriage magnet comes in. You don't even have to ask. That's the shortcut. You get to avoid all these uncomfortable questions. You don't even have to be there. It's like you're having other people work. You know how investors invest, like they let their money make more money for them. It's like that. Let your marriage magnet do the work for you. Let your marriage ambassadors do the work for you while you finish your education. Get into your career, not a problem. When the right guy shows up, okay, now you engage. If you do that as a CEO of your life, your time is valuable. Now you will have these things working for you. But if the opportunity comes where you get to have that question, absolutely. But sometimes you don't even have to ask. For me, smoking was a deal breaker. I can verify that maybe with her brother. I'm like, does anybody in the house smoke? I don't even have to ask, does she smoke? There are many ways to finding, I can just, okay, that's that's off the list. Okay, very good. Before you ask, the easiest way is with a marriage magnet. And then the second way is to verify through other third-party, second party sources. And then the first party source where you get to ask, remember, you are taking what he says at face value. There is a principle which is you trust and you verify. It's not like, oh, I don't believe you. I'm gonna check. No, no, no. You trust and you verify, you do both. So what a guy says, okay, excellent. And then you double check that. Because I'm telling you, the guys, especially the charming ones, oh my God, they could be so smooth, they will tell you whatever you want to hear. They will just wow you with words of affirmation, appreciation, and attention. You're like, oh my god, he's the right guy for me. He said so many beautiful things for me. You will fall for him so hard, but that's why this thing comes in. This selection connection thing, oh my god, this will save your heart. So your brain, your decision-making frontal lobe, funct, it's not out of service. Even if you like him, even if you're attracted to him, you'll still be able to have, like, oh, okay. And then, and then if there is a conflict, oh, wait a second, he has that thing that is on my deal breaker. Uh-uh. People think that's the only way. No, there are many other ways to know that. And uh, I mean, nowadays, I'm not asking you to go and stalk a guy. You you you basically from his online presence through who he hangs out with, what he does, there's so many ways to know this stuff, but nobody thinks about it, right?

SPEAKER_03 18:18

Like, it's so taboo to be so forward about marriage. Everybody's like, no, take it slow, get to know someone because of these media ideas about dating and you know what I mean? Like, okay, taking it slow, but it's how why?

Sharif Faizullah 18:30

So that is actually true, though. That's the thing. You don't want to rush. That's good advice, by the way. The other thing is you're not being forward, you're being strategic, you're actually being cool about it.

SPEAKER_03 18:40

That's the misconception. Because when you think about like, okay, I like this guy and I'm gonna send him my marriage magnet, it sounds so jarring that like the first interaction he's gonna have with me is this is what I want from you.

Sharif Faizullah 18:51

It's not necessarily blue though. That's the thing. If he receives a marriage magnet from, let's say, his sister or one of his friends or somebody else he knows, guess what? You are not the one putting yourself out there. So when people think, oh, I'm putting myself out there, I'm being forward, no, you're not. You're actually being super cool about it. And that's the balance. And you may be like, oh, I'm too young right now, I'm still on my second third year of college, I'm not even thinking about marriage. That's okay. Then just keep your heart safe. Like, make sure you don't fall for the wrong guy, and inshallah, then go to I'm not tangled up with some random guy. Now, who do I want? What does my heart really want? Do I want motherhood to be a full-time career? I want to be a full-time mother. Okay. If anybody tells you that's a bad choice, I think they have other things to deal with. If anybody says, you know what, I want to work full-time, I want to make a six-figure income, I want to establish a project and do my own business. I also want to have children and I want to have a family, go for it. There are ways to do that. It doesn't have to be one or the other. Anyone who makes you feel bad about choosing one or the other, they have their issues to deal with. Don't let anyone shame you into choosing one or the other. But the most important thing is know your deal breakers. It could be as short as three, as long as seven to ten, but don't make a long list. Then no human being on earth will meet that criteria. We told you about an accountability partner. This is one thing you'd want to discuss with her. Set up a time with her. Hey, can we talk? Can we chat for an hour? Why don't you bring your deal makers, deal breakers, I bring mine, and we compare notes and maybe we can talk about it.

SPEAKER_02 20:16

And I think if you talk about it with a friend who really knows you as well, because sometimes deal breakers, because they're such a deal breaker to you, you don't even put them down because you've like obviously like who's even gonna smoke, who's even gonna drink, you know what I mean? Like things like that. But if you talk about them with a friend, because they know you, but they're a different person, they'd be like, Oh, but you hate when people do X, Y, and Z, why haven't you written that down? You can kind of like compare notes and see that oh, I've missed that off, or you've missed that off, or maybe that's not as big of a deal as I'm making it out to be. I think failure in general comes from a mismatch of expectations, and I think what this deal maker and deal breaker exercise is is kind of just airing out your expectations for that other person, but then to also say that like this is what I'm expecting as well. And if you don't match their expectations, then you're not just wasting time and you're not trying to like force yourself to be their kind of person, if that makes sense, you're just kind of saying this is who I am, this is who I expect, and let's see if we work, if not, we'll go our own ways. And if it does work, we can continue.

SPEAKER_03 21:17

Talking to your friends is one thing, but if you know people who are married or in relationships, there's a whole other perspective of that too. So talk to people you know that are married, things in their marriage that they wish they would have talked about, or things that they saw growth in with their partner, or they didn't. If you have people that you're comfortable enough to talk about like that and you have deal breakers and some of them you're unsure, like, should I put this on the list? Should I not? Have sounding boards with multiple people. I think discussion is healthy and it's good and it's needed. I have like a few thoughts with dealmakers and deal breakers. I think this doesn't have to be right around the time when you're looking to get married. Dealmakers and deal breakers can start fairly early. You can look at the role models of marriage that you have and keep a running list of okay, like this is stuff that I don't want in the future. You're never really like too young to think of what you don't want and what you do want. And then the second is like where it falls in the roadmap. A lot of my friends and even me, the overarching fear is like, oh, we're scared of being rejected. What if the guy doesn't want you or whatever? And that's why it's so jarring. And what if he's like, well, I don't want you. Why? Then it's like, oh no. But I think preparing your heart and your mind for, okay, no, now I'm actually looking. There is going to be rejection. Maybe I'll get rejected, but I'm also going to reject other people. That's what the deal breakers is for to be a filtration system. So when I'm thinking about it, I'm like, oh, that's so uncomfortable to really put that out there. But I would rather that momentary uncomfortability than a long process ending and then that being a much worse pain and heartache. I would much rather it just be like, actually, yeah, I like this guy. Do you mind sharing my thoughts with him? And if he's cool, then we'll talk. And then if it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. Instead of like, okay, we're gonna talk and talk and talk and talk and talk, and then it doesn't work out. And then I'm more sad than I would have been at the initial okay, it doesn't work out.

SPEAKER_02 22:58

Yeah, I think as well, the purpose of this isn't to get a hundred guys to be like, yeah, she's potentially like wifey material. I like her. You're not trying to get validation from everyone, you're just trying to find one person who you both think, okay, we can make this work long term. So I think you need to be prepared to deal with that rejection. They're not saying you're a bad person, you're a horrible person. They're just saying that you're not the right person for me. And that's okay. Don't deep it. It's not the end of the world. There's a million other fish in the sea. Chill.

Sharif Faizullah 23:29

I would ask you to reframe the word rejection. Say, hey, we're not a good fit for each other. So we're not compatible. It's actually a good thing. When someone says no, we're not a good fit, say, Alhamdulillah. I'm telling you, say Alhamdulillah, because you just saved yourself a lot of headache, potentially a heartache. So the idea of rejection is you actually want a lot of rejection. I know it's like who want to be rejected, but think about it. You're actually not asking for acceptance. You're asking to see, are we potentially gonna be a good match for each other? So it's not about, oh, I know we're a good fit for each other. We want to get married, I'm proposing to you. It's not that. You're not proposing. Some people think because they send a marriage ambassador and share their marriage magnet, they're proposing. No, sending a marriage magnet is not a proposal. This is one of the biggest misconceptions. It's showing interest. I'm interested. Let me see yours. Show me your marriage magnet. And guess what? The deal breakers and deal makers, you can actually put a lot of them in your marriage magnet. Huh. Isn't that interesting? Just someone reading that, they will know. Do you see how much self-selection is happening, how much filtration is happening automatically? Oh my god. We're gonna talk about dating in a future chapter. You don't have to go through all of that, putting your heart out there and then going through one heartbreak after another and after another, so you can actually avoid all of that.

SPEAKER_02 24:50

I know a lot of girls have ic. If your ick isn't an actual serious ick, it's not a deal breaker. Don't put it down. If it's an ick that if a guy wears like socks with sliders, don't put that as a deal breaker, it's not that serious. This is not your ick list, this is a deal breaker list. Make that distinction.

SPEAKER_03 25:08

Yeah, it's not like trivial things, negotiables and non-negotiables, but even that is like a whole separate list. Your deal breakers are like deal breakers, this is the end all be all of this conversation.

Sharif Faizullah 25:20

The point is some of these things are solvable, some of them are not solvable. Know the difference. And the other thing, you know how we say it's a lifelong commitment in sickness and in health. Sickness is just part of life. So there's something you're like, hey, when this guy becomes bald, when this guy is frail, when he starts to lose his teeth, can I still look at him and love him? Can I still look back at our couple of decades that we lived together? Things will happen along the way. The fact that you're able to, you know what? I'm gonna face life's challenges together with you. If you can have that, that's it. So that's why some of those things are solvable. Know the difference. Some of them are not solvable. And it iks you so much to the point of it's gonna go up to a deal breaker, be it. You do you. That's okay. Just know that there are nuances in that. And at the end of the day, there may be no chemistry at all with that guy. Happens all the time. On paper, everything looks good and then nothing. They're just talking, they're saying words, and there's no connection, there's no chemistry. And that's why in the first meeting, when you've talked face to face, do you know how that meeting was successful? How do you know at the end of that meeting, like, okay, should there be a second marriage meeting? Should we go forward? The first thing that you want to ask is, Did I feel comfortable talking to him? It is not about, did I win all the arguments? Did I have my final say in all the words? Did I share everything I wanted to share? None of that. Did I feel comfortable? Both people have to talk. And at the end of the day, was I comfortable? If you're able to talk with that other person, whatever, chit chat, you come out from a work and you had a bad day and all that. And then especially when you have arguments, big decisions you make together. Oh my God, being able to talk to each other, especially about hard stuff, difficult conversations, that's the foundation of true love. That's the foundation of a long-lasting marriage.

SPEAKER_03 27:00

Honestly, this as a whole kind of takes me out of my comfort zone because it's hard for me to think about deal breakers because I don't want to stay desperate. It's like relationship thirsty. You just want a connection so bad and a relationship so bad that you're like willing to excuse so much because you're like, no, but he's cute and I like him and he looks like he's in a good fit. And then digging deeper feels so taboo and also intense as a process. You're like, oh, how deep can I dig right away? But that's all you really need. And so it's just taking me out of my comfort zone to really open myself up to that, to be like, okay, yeah, this is what I want. This is what I'm gonna put out there, and then we'll see. And I think that was really anxiety-inducing, but it's a good step, and that's what you need. Then you know that okay, you did your due diligence, that you did put yourself out there in the right way, in the proper way. You went through the process and you know what you want.

Sharif Faizullah 27:52

Yeah, maybe along the way you fall in love. Isn't that the magic pill everybody's selling? What's interesting is that thing that we really, really want, people are going about it the roundabout way, and that's why it's not working. But if you do it right, falling in love, it becomes a good side effect. Being relationship thirsty or like having that hunger for love and connection. Allah built us with that. Be proud of that. I am a living, breathing human being. I want love and I want connection. So don't be ashamed of that. Like, no, this is it. You are a human being that Allah made. That means you are meant to love someone and to feel that love, to be loved as well. So be okay with that. When that will happen, Allah knows. But we do our best, inshallah.

SPEAKER_02 28:32

Sometimes you may have a deal breaker which is a 100% deal breaker for you, but then you meet someone and they have that deal breaker, but in your head you think, oh, they'll change. They're saying they'll change. For example, say they're smoking and the guy says to you that I'm trying to give up. Once we're married, I'll give up. If you can actively see he's trying to give it up, and this was something before you were on the scene, then maybe it's a bit of a different situation. But if it's something that he's saying, when we're married, I'll give it up, that's something that I think is somewhat of a red flag. Marry that person for who they are right now as the core rather than who they're saying they will be in one year, five years, ten years.

Sharif Faizullah 29:11

Totally agree with that. It's okay to have aspirations and goals, like I'm working on this, it's fine. But we're talking about basic values, things they're holding on to, lifestyle. So, yeah, absolutely. If a guy just sweet talks you and says whatever you want to hear, then I would question that. This is why vetting and verifying is an essential part of the step. So when we go to decision, you don't make that decision just wake up from sleep and oh, okay, that's it. I no, you actually go through that process. You have gone through that vetting and verifying. We do that when we hire someone for an important position in a company. There's background check, there's financial background check, there's criminal background check. Then they actually call their previous employers and talk to them. You are actually hiring for a lifetime position. Wouldn't you want to do the same due diligence? When I say it like that, people are like, yeah, that makes sense, but people don't do it because connection. I'm so in love. That's it, everything will work out. So that's why do selection first. At least have an idea of the kind of person you want, inshallah. And every potential guy you see, go through that mental checklist. Go through the deal breakers first. Because if the deal breakers are not present, excellent. Now it's worth moving on to deal makers. Very quickly, what's your biggest takeaway from this chapter?

SPEAKER_02 30:21

Deal breakers are incredibly important and not to brush over them and not to take them so lightly.

SPEAKER_03 30:28

Don't sacrifice what you want just because you want a relationship, because there is a person out there that will check your boxes the right way. You're gonna be in a situation where you can talk to the opposite gender.

SPEAKER_02 30:38

In our households, we're not having these conversations.

SPEAKER_01 30:41

You need to be prepared for that. You meet a guy, oh my gosh, what do I do? I'm not allowed to talk to boys, so if this one talks to me, I have to marry him. This whole concept of you're going to expire by the time you're 23.

SPEAKER_02 30:51

That's just the stupidest idea.

Sharif Faizullah 30:53

The pros and cons of getting married early and getting married late.

SPEAKER_02 30:58

You're focusing on age instead of maturity.

SPEAKER_03 31:01

By age 30, half of the men have already been married. That's a large number.