Sana 0:00

I've met a guy who I've clicked with and considered wanting to spend my life with. There was one part of our discussion that makes me hesitant. When we talked about future living arrangements, he mentioned he wants to live with his parents because he feels he is responsible for them. But there was one part of our discussion that makes me hesitant. When we talked about future living arrangements, he mentioned he wants to live with his parents because he feels he is responsible for them, buying a livable house and for paying the mortgage. He told me he wants to live with his parents and siblings for the first few years until we save up for a second home. But by then he wants to move with his mum and dad because his mum is sick and his dad is old. I mentioned a compromise where we don't live with them but near them. But he's scared to live with his siblings because he doesn't trust his siblings to take care of them as well. The situation is a type that he looks at it not really as a compromise and he assures that taking care of them won't fall on me and I'll have my own boundaries and privacy. But I've watched what life is like when in-laws live at my mum's house, and I didn't have the best image of it, and I'm not sure if I should give him a chance or if it's too big of a deal breaker to end.

Sharif Faizullah 1:07

I see a lot of great things in this question. Excellent question, by the way. The good thing you clicked with him, you vibed, there is some mutual attraction. That's excellent. So that would be a check. And you're asking, do I give the guy a chance, or is it too big of a deal breaker? So before I throw the guy under the bus, I want to admit the fact that the guy wants to take care of his parents and he wants to live with them at least for the first few years, and he's not confident that his siblings will be able to take care of his parents properly. So the guy actually gets a check plus on my book because of that. Living arrangement aside, because that is a guy who shows that he's willing to make a lot of investment and long-term commitment. And I also like that you mentioned boundary and you mentioned privacy, and the guy actually mentioned that. So that's another check plus right here. That means the guy knows exactly what truly matters. This is a great solution. We don't have to live with them, but we live near them. And this is a solution that I recommend a lot. And that boils down to having a separate bathroom and a separate kitchen, depending on how big the house is. So it doesn't necessarily mean you have to have a separate house, a different block, different city. No. As long as you have a separate bathroom and a separate kitchen, that's it. That's one way to do that. The second version of that, one level below, would be having a separate bathroom, but kitchen is combined. That's also doable. But separate bathroom is something that I would absolutely, absolutely prioritize, especially during the first couple of years of marriage because of privacy, intimacy, a lot of issues. That's actually something that a lot of couples struggle with. Okay, so now this is where the question mark comes in because the guy said it's not compromisable. To the guy, this issue is his deal breaker, perhaps. So he's looking for a wife who would be okay with this. And you are also thinking, hey, I saw how this arrangement did to my parents. I don't want to repeat that from my own marriage. So I want you to ask the guy this question. These specific things that they mentioned, can we put some specific numbers into them? What do you mean by first few years? How long is that? Because first few years, in my mind, as soon as I heard you say first few, is that two, three? That's few years. Is that nine, ten? You could also call that few years. But two years and nine years are two different. You could have two, three, four kids in nine years. Do you get what I mean? If you are in a separate living arrangement, even if he lives with his parents, but he's able to provide a separate bathroom and a separate kitchen, that is actually doable and manageable. And I know quite a lot of couples live very healthy, balanced, respectful lives, even though they live with their in-laws. So I know husbands who live with his father-in-law and mother-in-law. I know the wives who also do the same thing. Both ways, as long as these two things are given, I don't think that would end up being a deal breaker. It would end up being a deal breaker if the guy is not willing to talk about it, to have a discussion about it, to come to some type of middle ground. What is not compromised for the guy? The guy said, No, I want my parents to live with me.

SPEAKER_02 4:02

So you want to make that distinction with Does it have to be in the same boundary, sharing bathroom and kitchen?

Sharif Faizullah 4:08

If that's not the case, then I think the guy deserves a chance, at least have this discussion and say, okay, what could go wrong? If this happens, what would you do? If this happens, how would you react? If your mom says this, how would you handle that? So when the guy says, Okay, you will have boundary and privacy, great, but what about the emotional boundary? And then even though a lot of the guys they say, yeah, I will take care of my parents, but implicitly there's this thing, my wife will help out. Maybe at the beginning the guy's like, you don't have to do a single thing, you don't have to even lift a finger. Great. But then after marriage, this unsaid expectation comes into play. So he'll be like, Yeah, but I thought you would at least help out. But then how much? Is that 10% on occasion? Is that 50%? Or is that like 90% where you end up doing most of it? Even though the guy said he will help out. Well, because of job, because of kids, because of everything else, like he doesn't have the time and the bandwidth to do that. That is something that I would talk about, specify. Do you give the guy a chance in the sense of asking this question and having the discussion? Yes. Do you marry the guy and then give him a chance? No. So basically, before you get married, you want to have these cleared out. If he is willing to have this discussion, then I don't see this as a deal breaker.

Sana 5:17

If she was to agree to live with him, what steps should she do before they get married to ensure that him and his family adhere to what they've agreed in regards to him taking care of the parents and it not falling on her?

Sharif Faizullah 5:30

Excellent. So after discussion, what you want to do is you want to have these points, like summarized version of it, in a Google Doc. And you two definitely share. Plus, you can share with your parents or your marriage team. But this is where you have something called CDEF. So this is basically your pre-mag, your pre-marriage agreement. This is not your marriage contract, like the marriage officiant, the witnesses, and the thing you signed, that's just your official record that you're getting married legally, Islamically, great. This is the understanding we are getting married with. Because these are the things that couples fight about and later they have disagreement and then the relationships fall apart. So, what do you put under C career in terms of whether you want to work afterwards? Is it going to be a requirement in terms of spending from your income and all of that? Children, how soon, and all of that. Under C also comes conflict resolution. So this would be your first test. Okay, this is what you guys don't see eye to eye fully. How would you resolve that? And then under D, you have decision making, dean, domestic life, who's going to do what. And then, of course, an understanding of domestic violence in terms of abuse and all that, so we can stay safe from that. And under E, you have education, you have equality. Under F, you have family and finance. So this section under right here, family, that's where you will mention this living arrangement that you are agreeing on. So it's not gonna be, oh, he said this, she said this. No, this is our understanding. There might be some factors that is unforeseen, some new things come up, and this is how we'll handle that. At least you'll have a basic draft of hey, this is what we understand, this is what we're planning to do.

Sana 7:04

What's the difference between what you've just said and the eight slices of compatibility?

Sharif Faizullah 7:10

What I just said that pre-mag is based on the eight slices of compatibility. So, right now, let's say you guys are compatible in different parts. When it comes to practical day-to-day living, that's where you're having this agreement. This is the living arrangement we're agreeing to for now. So, pre-mag is the result of the marriage conversation that you will have with him based on the eight slices of compatibility.

Sana 7:37

Should you share this document with his parents and his family who will be in the house as well?

Sharif Faizullah 7:42

At first, no. It's just you and him because you guys have to be in agreement on these topics first. Once you guys are in agreement, you come to a basic understanding, then yes, I think sharing with your marriage team is a good idea. And ideally, your parents are part of your marriage team in most cases, and you share it with them and get their feedback as well, because you might miss something important and then they'll be able to fill in that gap. And we recommend that you have at least four meetings with the guy, and from the eight slices of compatibility in each marriage conversation, you talk about two slices. So after each session, that basic understanding, while it's still fresh in your mind, put it in the Google Doc and it's already shared between the two. So see what's happening? You're not just talking in real life face to face. In between, you're also talking and clarifying confusions through that pre-mag Google Doc. And if you do that four times, and after each time, you guys clarify those confusions and come to an understanding. Wow, it makes a huge difference.

Sana 8:37

So you said to share the pre-mag with the marriage team eventually. Is that before or after you get married?

Sharif Faizullah 8:44

Before. Both of you are on the same page, great. Now you're looking for an outside perspective. So remember, when we talk about the three pillars of decision making, when you go through the checklist, is he the one? One of those pillars is consultation, asking people advice, especially those with experience and expertise in this field. And one of those groups of people would be your marriage team. So when you share this with them, especially if in your marriage team there are people who have been married for a couple of years, ideally five, 10 plus years, they'll be able to tell you some of the agreements that you guys have, they'll be like, this one, clarify this more. Maybe talk about this a little bit more, because in our marriage we had issues with that. So once you get those outside perspective, it'll be absolutely helpful. And you definitely want to do that before. That's why it's called pre-mag, pre-marriage agreement. It has to be before, and you share, you clarify, you edit, you revise before. Can you revise this after marriage? Absolutely. But that'll be between the two of you. But at least you have this overall agreement. So both sides, both families are aware. This way you'll be in the driver's seat, inshallah. Will there be arguments and misunderstandings and fights? Yeah, there will be, but then you will be able to resolve them much faster.

Sana 9:44

How do you navigate the situation in which you and a member of his marriage team don't see eye to eye on something that you've put in the pre-mag?

Sharif Faizullah 9:53

This is great, actually. This system, it's so amazing. So it's you and it's him, right? He deals with his marriage team, you deal with your marriage team. You don't need to do that crisscrossing. So you and him, you guys have editing access to the doc. Everybody else, give them only commenting access. This way, you keep you and him in the driver's seat. You guys are editing the document. Nobody else can edit the document. They can comment, they can suggest, they can give advice. And if they have something to say verbally, something they want to discuss, if it's part of his marriage team, they discuss it with him. If it's your marriage team, your parents, your siblings, and they have an idea and suggestion, they discuss it with you. So this is how you keep it separate, and it's done much more calmly in a manner that you will be able to come to a proper understanding, inshaAllah.

Sana 10:35

How lenient should you be when it comes to deal breakers and how should you know when to be lenient with them?

Sharif Faizullah 10:41

It's actually in the word itself. There's no so-so in it. It is called deal breaker. Break. That's the key part here. Meaning it has to be significant enough for you to say, hey, you know what? If the guy has all the deal makers, but if he has at least one of my deal breakers, break. That's the whole point of it. So you don't want to put something that you're willing to compromise on as a deal breaker. That doesn't make sense. The word says deal breaker, it's gonna break the deal. So make sure whatever you put in your deal breaker is an actual deal breaker, not a deal maker. So now let's go back to the original question. Do you think we have helped her given some clarity in this?

Sana 11:20

Maybe her mom's experience.

Sharif Faizullah 11:22

So there are two things. For a marriage to be successful, the first ingredient is the right person. This is why making sure you marry the right person. And then the second thing is actually having the skills to make the marriage work. Whenever there's struggles, it's usually one of these two things. Either they married the wrong person, they're just not a good fit to begin with. So even if they have all the skills, it just doesn't work out. Or they did marry the right person, and because they don't have the skills, they're struggling. These boundaries, these things, you have to do them from day one. You have to assert the agreement that you guys have made. Just because your mom had the experience doesn't necessarily mean you will have the same experience. Because going back, did your mom have the skills to make this work? I don't know. But if you have the skills, you can make it work, inshallah. Did your mom assert all of that from day one? I don't know. Can you do that from day one? If you can, you can make it work. Given the same situation, can the outcomes be different? So, like, say for example, my baby boy, he spills a glass of milk and it's all over the table, all over the floor, his clothes get dirty. Now I could scream at him, yell at him, get really mad and upset and that the whole situation is gonna be chaotic. We'll still end up cleaning it, but in between, it's like an emotional hurricane. Or I can say, Oh, okay, it's all right, it's it's okay. And this, all right, next time be careful, you're fine, you're okay. And if his shirt, his thing is wet, we changed it. The exact same situation, how we react, what type of emotional skills we have, makes a completely different experience for him. So, next couple of days, my little boy would look at this incident and look at it in a positive way, like, oh, okay, I did spill the milk, but next time I know how to be careful, I was okay. Or he will feel insecure. Every time he starts touching a glass of milk, he's gonna shake it like, oh my god, what if it falls? My dad's gonna yell at me and I'm gonna be upset. Exact same scenario, completely different outcome. What our parents experienced in their marriage, we do not have to repeat it even given the same situation. Now, is it more likely that we will repeat it given the same situation? Yes, because a lot of it this is a habit, some of this is like ingrained, we kind of react that way. So it depends on how much emotional intelligence you have, how much you're able to communicate this, and everything I've suggested so far in terms of having a pre-marriage agreement and all of that is so that you can avoid that same outcome that you saw your parents live.

Sana 13:34

Is there any specific skills you can think of that would help a person when they're living with their in-laws?

Sharif Faizullah 13:40

Quite a few. And in our eight-step marriage roadmap, you actually build on top of them. So literally starting from the very first one in love mistakes, in step one, one of the things you learn is stop, breathe, and feel, basically calming a nervous system and then knowing your attachment style, how you get triggered, how you get emotionally flooded. So I think how you react to what people say and do is a big deal. We can easily point finger at others and say, My mother-in-law is like this, my father-in-law is like this, are driving me crazy. And like it's just, yeah. But again, I'm gonna go back to the same thing. It is rarely about the action, it's actually about the reactions that we have based on somebody else's action. So that'll be one skill that we want to develop. Second one is saying, you know, I feel ABCD. So this is one of the skills that we teach in step one. So I feel frustrated when you take so long brushing your teeth and peeing, getting ready for bed because I don't like losing my sleep. Next time, could you please brush and pee quickly so we can have eight hours of sleep? I'm just giving an example, like the frustration that I have with my kids. I could just get mad at them, yell at them, right? So, how I communicate my feeling without criticizing. So, this is the other thing, right? If you know C C D S, you know what I'm talking about. So I'm not criticizing them. Um, there's no contempt, okay? I'm not looking down on them. Uh, I'm not being defensive, and I'm not stonewalling, I'm actually sharing. So, these you want the antidote of these four things, these four habits that destroy marriages and relationships. So, if you practice the opposite of those, insha'Allah, plus, with all of these, plus you have that's like a genuine fondness and respect and admiration, inshaAllah. I think you can have an amazing relationship. I actually know quite a few couples where the wife has amazing relationships. I know mother-in-laws they get bad reps, but I think from the get-go, we haven't set those foundational glues. So you want to have that communication with your husband, say, hey, can you do this? If this happens, can you do this? So he becomes the glue between you and your mother-in-law. From day one, respectfully and kindly start to talk about these things. Don't keep it hidden. And remember, sometimes if they're from a previous generation, then they may not have this training that you're having right now. So know that they might not have all the skills that you have, but at the same time, you have to lead that relationship in a way, that dynamic. There will be a dance. It might be invisible, you and your mother-in-law, father-in-law. There will be this dance, and your husband will either dance in between. Now, is he gonna dance holding your hand, be on your side, or is he gonna dance with your in-laws and be on their side? Or sometimes you would rather have a husband who's in the middle and being fair and just and balanced. So that he's not like blindly being on your side and on their side all the time. Ideally, you want him to be on your side more often than not. I'm just giving you some basic overviews, but there's a lot, these are skills that you have to learn. I want you to learn these before marriage. So from day one, you can start those relationships on the right foot. And of course, you'll be meeting them before marriage, right? You'll be talking to them. Ask some of these questions in this step. In step six, when you have marriage conversation in the decision-making process, you actually meet with his family. So when you meet with his father, with his mother, you gotta ask some of these questions. I can actually give you the exact questions to ask them so you get a glimpse of what type of relationship you might have. And I want to put everything in perspective here. Remember, sometimes it is a big deal, especially your in-laws, they are young. But when they're old, you gotta keep this in mind. They're not gonna live forever. So having in-laws, you can turn that into a blessing, an amazing opportunity, an amazing adventure. And inshallah, in the future, you have children, they get to experience their grandparents, which is an amazing blessing in and itself, mashallah. So I want you to keep that in mind, with the overall perspective. So, because usually in-laws get bad reps, and toxic in-laws are causes of a lot of divorces amongst Muslims. So you see, they both can be true. They could be blessing if you have the skills from day one to start it on the right track, inshallah.

Sana 17:21

So, if the two of you are able to come to a compromise, how do you make that final decision?

Sharif Faizullah 17:26

So, after you have done all of these, I would like you to go through the is he the one checklist. All right. I'm gonna give you the checklist right now so you don't have to wait for it in case you're getting close to that chapter. So for each question, I want you to put a check plus or a check or a check minus. Okay, you need to have at least one of these. Some of them you'll be like, yep, absolutely, check plus, very strong. Some of them you're like, I'm not sure. So based on that and be honest. Ready? Question number one Does he have a lot of my deal makers? Number two, is he free from all of my deal breakers? Number three, did I feel comfortable talking to him during our in-person marriage meetings? Number four, did I ask him all the important questions I wanted to ask? Number five, overall, is he compatible with me? Number six, can I envision him as the father of my future children? Number seven, do I feel a basic level of attraction to him? Number eight, am I okay marrying him just the way he is now without trying to fix him later? Number nine, is my marriage team mostly in favor of him? Number ten, is the result of my fact-finding mission when I vetted and verified him mostly positive? Number eleven, did his background check come back clean? Remember, there are four types of background checks we do. Number twelve, does my heart say yes to him? Number thirteen, does my gut, you know, my spidey sense, six sense, my intuition, say yes to him? Number fourteen, am I making an informed decision? Number fifteen, am I making this decision based on hope and not fear? Number sixteen, am I making this decision willingly, without too much pressure from anyone? And last, number 17, overall, are things progressing smoothly after I prayed istiharah, after I asked Allah for his spiritual guidance? There you go. That is is he the one checklist. If you are able to answer most of these questions with at least a check or check plus, move forward. If there are check minuses, you know, misunderstanding or confusions, or if there is anything that you need to follow up on, then those are the triggers.

Sana 19:55

How would you know that you're not trying to force your deal makers and deal breakers to fit him and his personality, or if you are genuinely okay with compromising on some of those things?

Sharif Faizullah 20:06

That is such a great question, and this is exactly why you want to have these ready now, when you're 20, not when you're actively searching for a guy. Because it's the filtration. So your deal makers and your deal breakers now you filter any guy who comes. Okay, so let's say I'm gonna draw a guy here, and there is another guy here. As you come across these guys, some of them you'll meet just happenstance, some of them there will be introduction, some of them you'll just stumble on them. However, you find them, right? You as you go through them, you are filtering each guy based on your deal makers and deal breakers. There is at least one deal breaker out. At least one deal breaker out. Oh, this guy doesn't have any of the deal breaker. Great. Now see if he has most of the deal makers. So now this guy could become Mr. Potential if he has no deal breaker and at least some of the deal maker. So to be clear, deal breakers are more important for you to clearly know about. Because usually people ask, hey, I'm looking for someone who has this, this, this, and they're like, wait, just hold on a second. Let's do something more important. Start with what you just cannot, absolutely cannot live with. This guy could have like six-pack ab, six feet tall, he's a six-figure income. Like, it's great. Oh my god, the other girls would love to marry this guy, but because of that one thing, I just cannot marry this guy ever. You have something like that? That's what you put under deal breaker. Because I know people to be like, hey, can I compromise on my deal breaker? It's called a deal breaker for a reason because it will break that deal. No go, stop. That's it. Do you compromise your deal makers? Yes. And that's why you don't need a guy who has all of your deal makers. Let's say you have five deal makers and the guy has only three of them. You could actually be a great match because maybe on the other two, he doesn't have 100%, but maybe he has 25%, 50%. You get what I mean? Deal makers are more flexible. That's why they need to come second. Deal breakers are very, very important. And also, something else you don't want to have a list of seven, eight, ten, fifteen deal breakers. That's just too many. The best is anywhere from three to five.

Sana 22:03

In the scenario that we've been given, if one of her deal breakers was that she doesn't want to live with his in-laws and his parents, do you think this is an immediate no?

Sharif Faizullah 22:12

That's why we need to explain that. That's why I said the word few, you have to define that. Okay. Someone says, I want someone tall. Like, okay, you gotta define that because you know it's all based on perspective. Someone who is four feet height, well, for them, four feet and five, six inches is tall. But someone who is five feet, well, for them, four feet and five inches, well, that's short. Do you see what I mean? So some of these things they're not black and white in the sense like it depends on what you mean. There are trends to this, so we can follow those trends to take lessons and warnings, but at the same time, we also can make our own arrangement, our own agreement in a way that works for us.

SPEAKER_03 22:47

I don't want to get married right now. I don't want to have kids.

Sharif Faizullah 22:50

Getting married and having children, separate them in your mind.

SPEAKER_03 22:52

What if I am 20 and I do want to get married right now?

Sharif Faizullah 22:55

You could be more ready than a 25-year-old sister if you go through this process, inshallah. Does that mean you rush to get married? Be careful. Because that would be a mistake. On the other hand, is there something called getting married too late? Almost one out of every three Muslim marriages ends up in divorce. Getting married too early is one of the reasons. There is an extreme version of feminism. There is also an extreme version of femalism. Islam balances between those. These two things, above everything else, will dictate how much misery, challenges, how much happiness, joy, how much satisfaction and contentment you will feel in your life, not just for a day or two, or a week or two, or a month or two, for years and for decades to come, inshaAllah.