Sharif Faizullah 0:00

When you sit down to talk to the guy, you just aren't feeling the vibe. You ask this one question. This is before you get your parents on board. This is before you search for the guy. This is before you have a marriage conversation with the guy. Gotta have this ready to get truthful answers from the guy. That's how you avoid heartbreak and future divorces and rank up that marriage that MBA divorce proof your future marriage today. Connection before selection. This is the number one love mistake that most women make, Muslim and non-Muslim. This applies to everyone. So connection is what? That's your ability to build a bond and attach to a specific person at an intimate level. Selection is to choose the right person in the first place. The mistake most women make is that they skip the selection process entirely and dive straight into building a connection with a man. So this means falling for someone blindly before even considering whether he's potentially a good match for you. Now, can this cause heartbreak before marriage? Yes. Can this lead to disappointment after marriage? Also, yes. And it's not your fault. Unfortunately, growing up, nobody ever taught you about this whole connection and selection thing. The question is this how do you develop the skill of selection? Take a screenshot now, please. Dealmakers and deal breakers. Deal makers are positive qualities in a man you cannot live without. These are very high on your priority list. On the other hand, deal breakers are negative qualities in a man you cannot live with. These are your non-negotiables. No compromise on these ever. Now, if I ask you between these two, between deal makers and deal breakers, which one is more important? Right in the chat. Which one is more important? Is it deal makers or deal breakers? It is dealbreakers. Because you're not gonna compromise on those. So you have to be more clear about your deal breakers than your deal makers. Imagine a guy with certain quality, characteristic, or trait that makes him really appealing to you. Someone who is worthy of pursuit as a candidate for marriage, someone who can potentially be a good husband and a good father. Can you think of at least one such quality? One characteristic like that. Now, suppose a single man, six feet tall, with six pack abs and a six-figure income, has a certain characteristic, and because of that, you would never ever consider marrying him. What is that for you? Can you think of at least one thing like that that would completely turn you off about a guy? Write that down. I ask you to do both of these things because some people focus on one versus the other. I want you to focus on both in a balanced way. You'll keep on adding to this list. So, what I want you to do, if you can create a Google Doc, you can even make a Google spreadsheet and have a deal makers and deal breakers column and start adding things as you go through your life, as you learn more, inshallah. Keep on adding them. This is not one static list you make once and that's it forever, you're done. No, no. This will grow and evolve as you grow and evolve. One person's deal maker and deal breaker might not be another person's deal maker and deal breaker. So there's no one size fit-all answer to this.

Sana 3:41

Someone may be matching everything you wrote on paper, deal makers, deal breakers, mindset matches, etc., but you just aren't feeling the vibe. How to deal with that situation? How to know for sure that you're not letting go of a good prospect because you're just not feeling it.

Sharif Faizullah 3:56

When you sit down to talk to the guy, you're like, Yeah, you're not feeling the vibe. There's no instant chemistry. That's okay. You gotta give it some time. The thing that you are looking for at the end of that conversation, you ask this one question Did I feel comfortable talking to the guy? Because the feeling of love, the romantic love that you're seeking based on Hollywood and Maliwood and all of that, sometimes it happens before marriage, sometimes it happens during that marriage process, sometimes it happens after marriage. There's no right or wrong to that. But your clue is that comfort. And why? It's in the Quran because Allah said, Litas kunu ilayya, so that you can live with them with sakeina, with tranquility, with comfort. That's what you're looking for. So aim at that. As long as you have this, inshaAllah, you can build on it. And this is why sometimes we say no too quickly. When do you say no too quickly? Ah, deal breakers. And you sure about that deal breakers, like it's a filtered actual deal breaker? Don't waste your time. But if the guy has most of your deal makers and none of your deal breakers, that guy is worthy of pursuit and going to the next stage, maybe meeting a second time.

Sana 4:58

What if someone likes a guy, but he has one of her deal breakers? She really likes him and feels that he's a soulmate. What should she do?

Sharif Faizullah 5:06

That's exactly why you have these deal breakers and deal breakers. Deal breakers are things that actually break the deal. The key word here is breaker. And this is why you only want to have things in your deal breakers that are actual deal breakers, not like so-so iffy, oh, like I'm like 50%, oh, I'm willing to compromise on this. If you're willing to compromise on something that cannot be in your deal breakers, simple. You don't need a guy to have all of the deal makers, but you do want the guy to be free from all of your deal breakers. And that's how you avoid heartbreaks and future divorces and situationships. Because if you're able to say, hey, this guy has everything I like, but he has this one deal breaker, I'm sorry, it's no go. As long as it's not a misunderstanding, if it is a genuine deal breaker, walk away.

Sana 5:55

How can someone know if he has her deal makers and doesn't have her deal breakers if I'm not allowed to talk to men? I know this isn't true, but some women may think you're not allowed.

Sharif Faizullah 6:03

When you say you're you're not allowed to talk to men, like how did we get married? It doesn't make sense. Okay. So this is why this whole part would begin with marriage magnet. That will help you get a very good idea as to whether the guy has some of your deal breakers, deal makers or not. Because if you skip that, now you're having a conversation, you're like, you may not be able to speak about some of these clearly. That's why this is what you do first. Remember, this is before you get your parents on board, and this is before you search for the guy. And then your second clue would be when you have those marriage conversations. From those questions, you will be like, Hey, do you smoke? Hey, do you have this? Do you have that? Especially if you know how to ask those questions, inshallah, you will be able to get truthful answers from the guy and you'll know. And then the last step would be to do those four types of background check that we recommend. Inshallah, if you go through all of those processes, you will be able to know with confidence whether the guy has your deal breakers or not.

Sana 6:54

What if he takes all the boxes? He doesn't have any of my deal breakers and he has all my deal makers, but I'm just not attracted to him.

Sharif Faizullah 7:00

Put a number on it. Let's do like zero to ten. Zero would be like, I find this guy so hideous, not in a million years, it doesn't do anything to me. 10 is like I'm just gonna faint when I'm in front of this guy. On those two extremes, do not choose seven. How would you rate that? Generally speaking, if you find someone hideous, if your score is very, very low, I would recommend not marrying the guy. Even if he has good deen and good character, he checks all the boxes. If there's no even tiny bit of physical attraction, then my recommendation would be no. However, if your score is somewhere in the middle and the guy has none of your deal breakers and has most or all of your deal makers, I would recommend pursuing that guy. Because I know quite a lot of couples, at first they disliked each other so much, they would be annoyed at the sight of each other. Not only they got married, mashallah, they have multiple children, they love each other. Such a beautiful, loving marriage. So the thing is, as long as you are somewhere in the middle, I would say continue and move forward. Do not make the mistake of saying, no, oh, just because I don't find him physically attractive, whatever type of image you have in your mind, the guy doesn't match that. So I'm not gonna even talk. No, you don't know. Maybe the guy will wow you with his intellect and character and his kindness and all of it. You'll be like, wow, a guy who is 10 out of 10 in terms of hotness, but two or three in terms of kindness, would I marry that guy? Or would I marry a guy who is six out of ten in terms of looks, but nine out of ten in terms of kindness and character and all that? Guess what? In the long run, this guy is better for you. In the short run, yeah, you'll feel the butterflies with the first guy, but the second guy will be better for you. That's a long answer. But the short version is if your score is super low and you find the guy hedious, case closed. But if it's somewhere in between, give the guy a chance, at least talk, see if some attraction builds. Because sometimes the attraction doesn't happen right on the spot. You may not feel the butterfly right away. But as long as you feel comfortable, as long as the potential is there, then love can grow out of that. I've seen many, many marriages like this.

Sana 8:56

Is there a limit on the number of deal makers and deal breakers you can have on your list?

Sharif Faizullah 9:00

For deal breaker, my recommendation is three to five. Do not have a list of deal breakers that are like 10, 15, 20. That's just too many. Three to five is a good number. Deal makers could be a little bit longer than that. But remember, you are not looking for a guy who has all of your deal makers. You're looking for someone who has most of your deal makers because deal makers are a little bit more flexible. So when someone says, hey, I'm looking for a guy who is like that, I'm like, well, you just hold on a second. Before we do that, tell me what your deal breakers are, and then go into deal makers.

Sana 9:30

What should someone base their deal makers and deal breakers on?

Sharif Faizullah 9:34

Some of it is personal liking and disliking, the way we grow up, our upbringing, cultural brainwashing, Hollywood, Bollywood, Disney, romance, they all play a part in this. However, you want to base these on three things. You're gonna look for deen, character, compatibility. Those are the things that you want to base your deal makers and deal breakers on. And inshallah, very soon you're gonna learn about a slice of compatibility, and you can also add some of the deal makers and deal breakers from there. And whenever you add deal makers and deal breakers, I would definitely feed it to an AI and say, what does research say about these things? Is it an actual deal breaker? Is this an actual deal maker? Is there room for compromise in this based on research, based on lived experiences of hundreds and thousands of couples? So you make your list, make sure it's genuinely your list, and then edit that. Keep on revising. As you learn and grow, inshallah, you'll be able to say, uh, you know what, that's not really a deal breaker. I'll give you a quick example. This is one of the reasons why dating apps and matchmaking criteria are problematic. So let's say you're 20. I'm looking for a guy who is 22 to 28, for example. I'm okay with someone who is two to eight years older than me. So if I say, hey, there is this great guy, he's 29, and he has none of your deal breakers, he has all of your deal makers, you're gonna say no because your range is 22-28, right? Guess what? That means this does not belong in the deal breaker list. This belongs in deal maker. Okay, what about a guy who is 21, but he's a business owner, he has two businesses running. He started business one, he was 17, he's financially doing really well. So he has the financial maturity of a 27-year-old, and he has none of your deal breakers, he has a lot of your deal makers. Are you gonna say no? Well, according to this criteria, yeah. Because you're basically saying no to everyone who's below 22 and saying no to everyone who's above 28. Well, when it comes to age, the way people say no to so many potential people who might otherwise be good matches.

Sana 11:32

How specific should you be with your deal makers and deal breakers?

Sharif Faizullah 11:36

Specific as you need to. There is no hard and fast rule to that. Anything that you can quantify, let's say, for example, if you say practicing, like what does that mean to you? Practicing could be praying five times a day in the masjid. For somebody else, it could be he prays Jumma'a once a week. That's a big range. Define as much as you can clearly, but don't be too specific. I just gave you the example of the age, right? It's good to know what you mean by something, but as long as it's not a deal breaker, have some wiggle rumors. So you can say I'm looking for someone who is in this age range, right? I'll give you myself as an example. Age wasn't even on my list. I started looking when I was 23. I got married when I was 27. And when I got married, my wife was 29. So imagine I had this criteria. I'm gonna marry someone who is my age or younger. Guess what? My wife and I would have never gotten married because she would not meet the criteria. So know your preferences, but leave some wiggle room there. This guy could have like a six-pack app, six feet tall, he's a six-figure income. Like, it's great. Oh my god, the other girls would love to marry this guy, but because of that one thing, I just cannot marry this guy ever. There's this thing, my wife will help out. Maybe at the beginning, the guy's like, you don't have to do a single thing, great. But then after marriage, this unsaid expectation comes into play. I would like you to go through the is he the one checklist. So for each question, I want you to put a check plus or a check or a check minus.